2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Some trauma survivors who are turned away by the fantasy of revenge try to completely let their resentment pass through the fantasy of forgiveness. This fantasy is an attempt to feel your power and control. The survivor imagines that he can be above rage and that he can erase the consequences of the trauma through a volitional and inherently oppositional act of love.
But trauma is impossible to get rid of either through hatred or love. Like revenge, the fantasy of forgiveness often becomes cruel torture, as it is simply beyond the reach of most people. Popular wisdom recognizes forgiveness as a divine act. But divine forgiveness in most religious systems is not unconditional either. You cannot truly forgive until the one who caused the harm has asked for forgiveness and earned forgiveness through repentance, deep regret, and an attempt to restore what was destroyed. The sincere repentance of the one who caused harm is a rare miracle. But the survivor doesn't have to wait. Her recovery depends on the emergence of restorative love in her own life, and does not require that love extend to the one who harmed her. When a survivor manages to go through the process of grieving for a loss in trauma, she may be surprised at how uninteresting the person who harmed her becomes. and how indifferent she is to his fate. She may even feel sorry and empathy for him, but this detached feeling is not at all the same as blind forgiveness.
Trauma and Recovery. The aftermath of violence - from domestic abuse to political terror”by Judith Herman, M. D., p.189
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