Internal Conflict Of The Narcissist. The Difference Between A Narcissist And A Border Guard

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57

Author: Burkova Elena Viktorovna Psychologist, Master of Psychological Sciences - Chelyabinsk

Of course, the narcissistic personality has many internal conflicts characteristic of the borderline: diffuse identity (a feeling of emptiness, contradictions in self-perception, inconsistency, poor perception of others), reduced ability to cope with anxiety, impulsivity, emotional changeability, distrust of others, and much more.

However, what distinguishes a narcissistic personality from a simply borderline one is a pronounced mental inflation, which consists in the contradictory coexistence of two phases: a feeling of one's own insignificance and megalomania.

Let me give you an example. A teenage girl is raised by a single mother in modest financial conditions. She sees how other girls classmates dress well, every time there is something new in their wardrobe, they feel confident, easily communicate with boys, and enjoy success with them. She comes to visit them and sees that their house is a full cup, how their father communicates with them patronizingly. And she begins to be tormented by a strong sense of envy that they have and she does not, and together with envy - an acute sense of shame and her own inferiority. This girl compares herself with her peers and realizes that she does not have and may never have such dresses, beauty, boys, success. She cries all night long, telling herself, "It shouldn't be this way. I'm better and smarter than them, I deserve the best too. It's not fair!" - the feeling of insignificance is permanently replaced by the conviction of one's superiority.

And another conflict is the overestimated expectations of others, which are never justified.

If the borderline personality does not develop relationships with others due to the anxious expectation of rejection and abandonment, and, as a result, the constantly changing attitude towards the partner from love to hate, then the narcissistic person is convinced of his exclusivity. It seems to a person that the partners who are next to him do not reach his level, that they are insignificant or somehow flawed. So the narcissist projects on those around him a sense of his own shame and envy.

But first, the narcissist will idealize his chosen one.

Let me illustrate this with the example of a male narcissist choosing a psychologist.

He comes to a psychologist and says: "I made inquiries and came to the conclusion that you are one of the best specialists in the city, so I decided to turn to you."

Note that the narcissist will always try to choose a specialist, not because he has made up his own good opinion about him, but because this specialist seemed to him prestigious (a bright personality quoted on a professional website, for example).

The idealization of the narcissist is that he a priori expects a lot from this specialist, and his expectations do not correspond to reality. For example, a narcissist may think: "Now, in one consultation, a specialist will give me answers to all my questions."

And then there is a depreciation 100 percent of the time.

Towards the end of the consultation, the narcissistic client will definitely express their deep disappointment with the professionalism of the psychologist.

Patient depreciation is well demonstrated in In Treatment.

In more severe cases, the client will begin to persecute the psychologist: blackmail, write malicious reviews, especially when, in the process of counseling or therapy, his vanity was, for some reason, wounded and the narcissist fell into a rage.

Of course, a psychologist himself can be unprofessional. To form an objective opinion about the situation, you need to know the history of the client's interpersonal relationships. If all of his partners / female partners did not reach "the level" and had a history of a series of partings, divorces, terminated business relationships, in which a person sees himself only in white, then this is a reason to think.

Here's an example of what a narcissistic client says about his women:

“I cannot understand whether I loved them or not. I felt, perhaps, sexual attraction.

At first, a woman "hooks" me with her mind or brightness, uniqueness, kinship of souls, her care, but after a while I grow cold towards her, I begin to see her shortcomings, make remarks during sex, then sex between us is completely no, the attraction to her disappears and I am looking for a new romance on the side. Then I get cramped with her on the same territory and I want to be left alone. Even if a woman tries to change for my sake, these changes are still not enough for me, it quickly becomes boring. And when I am alone, anxiety and a feeling of emptiness come."

Otto Kernberg in his book "Severe Personality Disorders" draws the attention of therapists to the moment that already at the stage of the diagnostic interview, when the psychotherapist is forced to enter into confrontation with the narcissistic client, he can demonstrate his rage, dismissive, arrogant attitude and refusal to cooperate.

Due to the low level of self-criticism and high expectations from the therapist, a person with narcissistic personality disorder often does not stay in therapy for a long time. The exception is depressed narcissists. At such times, they may admit that they need help or support, at the very least.

An experienced specialist can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder during a 2-hour structured interview suggested by O. Kernberg.

Therapy of a narcissistic personality consists, first of all, in the formation of adequate self-esteem, adequate perception of oneself and others.

Devaluation in a narcissist is associated with the need to maintain self-esteem at the expense of others, in order to get rid of the feeling of shame about one's imaginary inferiority, to shift the responsibility for one's failures onto others - "I am not like that, life is like that."

By devaluing, the narcissist seems to reassure himself that he is at least as good as everyone else, if not better.

In therapy, it is important to give the narcissist an understanding of how one can feel pride in oneself, without resorting to a derogatory attitude, to form tolerance to other people's imperfections, as well as to one's own.

The need for idealization is associated with a diffuse identity. The narcissist needs self-objects so that he has someone to rely on, whom to take an example from, whom to join so as not to feel emptiness. And at the same time, the narcissist has a fear of becoming dependent on his partner.

Often the narcissist is cut off from his feelings, full of various contradictions, does not understand his needs. The task of psychotherapy is to teach him to make a choice based on personal opinion, to reflect, to show empathy.

According to psychiatrist P. B. Gannushkin, personality disorders can be reversible during long-term (from 4 years) psychotherapy.

The narcissistic personality is formed from childhood in conditions when the child either does not live up to the expectations of the parent (father, mother), or is brought up as an idol of the family, and the false self begins in the need to comply, at the same time pushing his opinions and feelings into the background.

The development of awareness, correction of relationships with others, the formation of mature psychological defenses can greatly facilitate the life of a narcissistic personality.