Love And Sex With The "border Guard"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57

Often a person with borderline personality disorder in a relationship acts as a capricious child and expects his partner to fulfill the role of an unconditionally loving parent in relation to him, that is, the “border guard” perceives the partner as an extension of his parent - father or mother.

However, the relationship of the “border guard” with his parents was not cloudless, he never felt safe with them, never allowed himself to be himself out of fear of misunderstanding and condemnation, his relationship with his parent was always distant, devoid of depth, openness, as a result of which the "border guard" developed an ambivalent attitude towards a loved one - on the one hand, love, and on the other, hatred. When the parent did not want to accept him as he is, resentment, anger and rage arose in him, the parent was perceived as an enemy who wants to destroy him. After an outbreak of rage, guilt arose, and love for the parent returned, but love is superficial. Since the "border guard" is imbued with distrust, thinks that his parent is not needed or that the parent uses him for his own purposes, for the same reasons he maintains a relationship with him - out of a sense of his own fear of being left alone, without parental protection, without a sense of community and at least some then at the very least warmth.

Such an attitude can be observed in children of alcoholics, who can steal money from their parents and even beat them, but refuse to leave them and go to a boarding school, in every possible way protecting and justifying. Exactly the same model of relations the "border guard" implements with his partner - he expects from him unconditional love, not received from his mother, while he himself is not capable of equal, mutual love, implementing the strategy of avoiding. As he was afraid to show his true face to his mother out of fear of being rejected, he is afraid to show him now to his partner for the same reason, and therefore real intimacy with the "border guard" is practically unattainable, and if it is achievable, then after a long course of psychotherapy aimed at getting rid of high anxiety and distrust. The border guard is an intelligent person, he can win over people and speak beautifully, but in family life, most often these will be deep and long conversations about nothing. He will play a philosopher, but get away from the conversation when the partner tries to discuss with him the topic of mutual feelings, bring him to frankness. For the "border guard" these topics are very painful, and therefore he prefers to remain in his mask of decency, avoiding a deep conversation in one way or another (by changing the topic, with the help of reasoning about something abstract, using a parable, metaphor), direct and frank conversation he can't do it.

Avoidance can also take the form of sexual intercourse on the side as a way for the "border guard" to prove to himself (as well as to his parent, partner) that no one can control him, as the need to have a small, fantasy world that no one will know about and as a way get away from rapprochement with a legal partner. Moreover, the object for betrayal is selected such that it does not claim the freedom of the "border guard", does not pose any threat to him: for example, the husband builds relationships on the side with a married woman who is also afraid of destroying her family, and therefore does not claim to completely master her lover. Alcohol addiction, constant gatherings with friends, workaholism, etc. can also be a form of avoidance. Relations with the “border guard” are always quite tense: if everything goes according to his scenario, he is calm and peaceful, but if something went wrong, it causes an outbreak of anger, up to the shift of aggression towards property, animals, children and the partner himself. After an outbreak of aggression, the "border guard" experiences a sense of guilt, up to parasuicidal episodes or suicidal attempts. The partner is perceived by the "border guard" ambivalently, not as a whole person with his own merits and demerits, but as either ideal or insignificant. Today he can curse you and call you with the last words, file documents for divorce, and tomorrow already lie at your feet, ask for forgiveness with the thoughts “how could I think about a divorce from this wonderful person!”.

It is difficult for a “border guard” to listen to criticism in his address, this can cause an outburst of his anger, due to increased vulnerability, feelings of inferiority and lack of a stable image of “I”. It is difficult for him to talk about his feelings and needs, beliefs. Often what he thinks of himself is someone's introjects. For example, a mother from childhood instilled in her son that he was a future brilliant financier, later he accepted this introject as his belief, but when he met the first setbacks or what someone called him mediocre, he quickly depreciates his belief, like his profession financier, and is again in search of himself. Criticism of the "border guard" arouses his anger because it leads to the devaluation of himself and his ideals. And in the absence of ideals, he feels empty and helpless. The sex life of the "border guard" is often just as superficial and not very satisfactory both for him and for the partner. For fear of completely surrendering to his partner and feelings of shame, the "border guard" prefers superficial sex, without emotional involvement and prolonged foreplay. So one woman said that she was irritated when her partner tightened with affection, it would be better if he ripped off her clothes and immediately had intercourse. Also, the "border guard" always keeps in his head the image of a certain ideal, in his opinion, woman (man), whom his partner will never reach. Often he fantasizes about sex with this ideal as something sublime, full of passion and sensual experience, and sex with a real partner devalues it to the point of losing all attraction to him and refusing to have sex with him. The “border guard” partner always has the feeling that there is someone's shadow between them - a certain ideal, former (former) or future. The "border guard" can say today "I live with you only temporarily, until I find someone better", and tomorrow ask for forgiveness and assure that "you are the best, my dear."

Not infrequently, among the "border guards" there are fans of sadomasochism, who not only fantasize about it, but also use games based on domination and submission in sex. This whole masquerade is, on the one hand, an internal need, and on the other, a way to get away from real intimacy and the search for all kinds of evidence of a partner's love. The behavior of the "border guard" can be corrected by living with a patient, loving partner who will be sympathetic to outbursts of his rage, to changeability, not to take his insults and statements at face value, to show for him a model of self-control, empathy in relations with others, to give his love and support. Only with such a partner will the "border guard" begin to change for the better and grow personally, despite the fact that he may seem boring and down-to-earth, too calm and unperturbed - there is a big risk of running into the provocation of the "border guard", which he loves very much. Also, a long-term course of psychotherapy to reconstruct one's own “I”, restore selfhood, teach self-regulation, and develop trust and empathy can return the border guard to a normal life. The "border guard" needs to learn to be a therapist, first of all, to himself.