BIG CHILD: HOW TO SURVIVE WITH A BORDER GUARD?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Illusions attract us to those

that relieve pain …

Z. Freud

What we call intensive psychotherapy, in fact there is an accelerated process, aimed at reaching maturity, delayed for twenty, thirty or more years

from trying to live with a childlike attitude to life

J. Bujenthal

GENERAL SIGNS OF BORDERING

Why "Big Child?"

In this case, we are dealing with a discrepancy between the real, passport age and the psychological, subjectively experienced. Such people seem to have grown physically, but psychologically they remained at the children's level of development. In psychotherapy, there is a term for them - borderline. They will be discussed in this article.

Let me remind you of the general signs of borderline:

1. The polarity of consciousness. The borderline splits in perception all the objects of the world into good and bad, good and evil, black and white, etc. The perception of the borderline person is devoid of shades.

2. Egocentrism. I am borderline infantile, centered on myself, which is manifested in the inability of the latter to take the point of view of the Other and the impossibility of empathy.

3. The tendency to idealize. For the borderline, some violation of contact with reality is characteristic, which manifests itself in ascribing to the objects of the world and the world as a whole their desired idealized characteristics.

The highlighted general psychological signs of the borderline will find their embodiment in his experiences of the world, himself and another person.

HOW TO SURVIVE WITH THE BORDER IN LIFE?

Psychotherapy of the borderline is not an easy project. It is no easier for those people who are in close relations with the borderline. It is important to remember here that you are dealing as if with an adult, but according to the level of psychological development with a small child.

Because of the desire to idealize the borderline, his partner cannot have the right to make mistakes, it is impossible to be imperfect himself. The Other's ability to be Other cannot be accepted by the borderline. He needs the other as an object confirming the very existence of the borderline self. Such people fail to psychologically separate from their parents; they are always looking for their attention and approval. They are always looking for an ideal Other who would be completely at their disposal 24 hours a day (the need of a 2-year-old child).

Psychological infantilism, in turn, leads to the fact that the borderline avoid responsibility, trying in every possible way to shift it onto other people. Emotional immaturity is manifested in the incontinence of affect, the reactive outburst of emotions.

All of the above greatly complicates the relationship with such a person. It is not easy to love and unconditionally accept such people. A person who is in a relationship with a borderline needs a lot of endurance, stability, calmness, he will have to learn to hold a lot. This process in psychology is called containment.

A bit of theory. The term "containment" was introduced by the British psychoanalyst W. Bion, who proposed the "container-contained" model. This model is based on the idea that the infant presents his uncontrollable emotions (contained) to his mother (container) in order to receive them back in a more acceptable and easily tolerated form for him. The mother absorbs the negative emotions presented to her, giving them meaningful content, and returns them to the child. In this case, the child can include these emotions in the image of his I. If the mother is unable to accept and process the negative emotions of the child, then this part of his psychic reality will not be integrated into the image of his I.

Consequently, the borderline partner will have to stock up on empathy and unconditional positive acceptance - this is what he lacked so much in his early relationships with loved ones.

What else does a borderline partner need to know and do?

Be crisp and clear in contact. The border guard has big problems with borders - he is a master of violating other people's boundaries, invading the psychological space of other people. Therefore, it is very important in contact with him to be sensitive to your boundaries and be able to defend them. Here "No" should sound like "No", and not otherwise. A clear circumambulation of a partner bordering on the boundaries of his Self allows him to demonstrate to him a model of circumambulation with his own boundaries and creates conditions for a meeting with the Other.

Do not give in to provocations. One may get the impression that the borderline wants to leave you, devaluing, making claims. In fact, this is not the case. Borderline like a small child. tries to test how much you love-accept him, thus arranging for you a test for "true verification" of your attitude towards him. He does not believe only in your words, he wants a real confirmation of your love. His negative behavior most likely has the following subtext: "It is easy to love when I am good, obedient, and you try to love me when I am bad."

Do not rush into reaction. The inability of the borderline to keep emotions in touch makes communication with him very difficult. He behaves in contact like a small child, disobedient, provocative, violating boundaries, not taking responsibility for himself, demanding attention in himself, devaluing, reproaching.

It is not surprising that a person who is in close contact with him soon develops a lot of irritation and even aggression. And here it is very important not to rush into reaction yourself, which will inevitably lead to a conflict. This strategy leads to increased provocations from the border. This does not mean that you need to hold on to your feelings - it is important to learn how to correctly present your feelings.

Talk about your feelings. Emotional reactions in contact with borderline people are often strong and unconscious, they can unbalance even a psychologically stable person and require a lot of strength from him. The spectrum of emotional responses can range from empathy to intense anger, fear, hopelessness, or rage.

In contact with the borderline behind his feelings (aggression, irritation, resentment), it is necessary to look for the Other - the object to which these feelings are initially directed. These feelings mark important unmet childhood needs, addressed initially to these significant Others. It is easier when we are dealing with a borderline whose aggression is actualized.

In the case of the borderline whiner, it is also necessary to reveal, actualize the aggression hidden behind the offense, guilt. Here we will encounter fear that blocks awareness and aggression. It must be remembered that both irritation and resentment are directed towards the significant Other, they mark the need of the borderline in the Other. In both cases, he still hopes to "return" the good Other.

It is necessary not only to endure the "nibbling" of the borderline client, but also to talk about your feelings at this moment, returning him responsibility for his words and actions. Through such work, the appearance of the Other is possible in the psychic reality of the borderline.

How should this be done? Using the technique of self-statements. In the event of the appearance of negative feelings towards the borderline, talk about them, starting with the word "I". “I’m angry at you” instead of “You make me angry”, “I am upset” instead of “You make me sad”. This form of presentation of feelings, on the one hand, informs the interlocutor about what is happening with the communication partner, on the other hand, it does not cause a desire to defend himself or to counterattack him.

This technique is quite easy to implement technically, formally, but in real contact it is not easy to do it - emotions overwhelm and it is difficult to resist not to react as usual - with the transition to a personality, accusing, reproaching, evaluating.

Be available to him. It is necessary to tell the border guard about where you are going, going, and what you are planning to do there, even if it is about a short separation. This is done so that he does not feel abandoned. Borderline people are inherently very dependent and any attempts to "throw" their loved one increase their anxiety, sometimes to the point of panic.

To actualize feelings of guilt and shame. The actualization of the borderline social feelings - guilt, shame - is a significant moment in his psychological maturation. In the borderline, these feelings are not sufficiently formed due to their egocentrism. While for the neurotic these feelings will be toxic and must be avoided, their appearance in the psychic reality of the borderline is encouraged. This will be evidence of the real appearance of the Other in the life of the borderline and his exit from the "capsule of egocentrism."

Confront amid love. The reader may get the impression that living with the borderline is all about acceptance and patience. This is wrong. There is a place for both counter-frontal and frustration, otherwise it is simply impossible to grow up. But all this should take place against the background of a high level of acceptance, so that the borderline does not have the experience that he is being rejected.

An analogy with raising a child is appropriate here, when a parent demonstrates to him the following attitude in the event of his unacceptable behavior: "I do not support your current behavior, your given act, but this does not stop me from loving and accepting you." It is important here that the child retains a strong understanding that it is about the assessment of this specific, situational phenomenon, but at the same time he is generally loved and accepted. Then an opportunity is created to assimilate, to accept a parental, “different” attitude, without resorting to the usual defenses.

Before this kind of reaction, the borderline partner must ask himself if he can do it with unconditional positive acceptance. If he is sure that he can, then he can confront him.

Borderline - a kind of marker of the psychophysiological state of the partner. If you cannot withstand the tension of contact - you cannot cope with the growing irritation, anger - this is a signal that it is time to take care of yourself and stop being a therapist for the borderline.

How does the borderline partner manage not to collapse?

• Understanding that there is a small child in front of you. We are talking about the psychological age (2-3 years).
• Ability to look beyond external manifestations, to see the subtext. Do not take negative manifestations of the borderline literally, understand their motives.
• Realization that all this is not addressed to you. Most often, the partner falls under the parental projection of the borderline.
• Periodic referral to personal therapy. Personal therapy is needed in order to accept the rejected “bad” aspects of your self, which will help to increase the tolerance of accepting the borderline partner.

Living with the borderline isn't easy. In order to stay in a relationship with him, you need to be a psychologically mature person - stable, empathic, with a high level of self-acceptance and self-esteem. However, the truth of life is that couples are often formed by people with a similar level of personality organization. In this case, the only correct decision would be to go to personal therapy