Are You An Assertive Person?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-15 16:05

Each of us has faced a situation when they tried to force us to do what we do not want, these are obsessive salespeople and lazy colleagues at work. This is where behavior comes to our rescue, combining inner strength and a polite attitude towards others.

Assertiveness Is a manifestation of polite persistence. The term “assertiveness” comes from the English verb “toassert” - to insist on one's own, to assert, to assert, to defend one's rights. Assertive behavior is understood as the ability in a situation of external pressure to correctly defend our interests and our line of behavior, say no to what does not suit us and continue to effectively insist on our rights in a socially acceptable form. In any situation, we choose a certain style of behavior - and to a large extent the result obtained depends on it.

If we do not defend our rights, avoid conflicts, obey the decisions of other people, that is, we behave passively, as a result, we lose control over the events. Or we can choose a different style of behavior, aggressive: rush to the problem, impose your opinion, not taking into account the interests of others, be hostile and rude.

Occasionally occurs passive-aggressive style of behavior, which is expressed in inaction or open sabotage, in refusal to comply with a request. When manipulating, a person does not openly declare his goal, but acts in such a way that provokes another to commit the act he needs.

But there is also a third behavior - assertiveness, "Golden mean" between aggression and passivity.

Assertive person defends their rights by expressing their thoughts and feelings openly and honestly, while respecting the rights of others. He acts confidently without feeling guilty. He asks directly for what he needs, and if he receives a refusal, he may become sad or disappointed, but his very perception is not clouded, since he does not depend on the opinions of other people and finds safety in himself.

Such people are self-sufficient; they have a strong self-esteem, as a rule, they love themselves and are confident in themselves. They have healthy ambitions, they set themselves serious goals and provide the conditions for achieving them. They live better than others, they stand out from the crowd. Usually such people show others how they would like to be treated: this is how I think, this is how I assess the situation, and what do you say?

At the same time, an assertive person by his behavior expresses implicit message: I will not allow you to use me, but I will not attack you for being who you are. Communication is open, like an adult with an adult.

VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL CHARACTERISTICS:

• Active listening
• Solid, calm voice
• Direct eye contact
• Straight, balanced, open body position
• Voice volume suitable for the situation
• Usage: "I", "I love, I want …", "I don't want to …"
• Cooperation phrases: "What do you think about this?"
• Emphasized statements of interest: "I would really like to …"

Benefits that a person with assertive behavior gets:

The more an assertive person defends himself and acts in a manner that he respects, the higher his self-esteem, the stronger his self-esteem. His chances of getting what he wants out of life are increased if others understand what he wants and that he is protecting his rights and needs.

If he directly expresses his feelings of disagreement or resentment, then negative emotions do not accumulate. Without feeling painful feelings of shyness and anxiety and without wasting energy on self-defense, he can see, hear and love more easily.

How does a person with assertive behavior pay the price?

Friends can take advantage of his self-affirmation and can sabotage his newly acquired assertiveness. An assertive person redefines his beliefs and re-evaluates values that have been formed since childhood. This can create resistance.

BASIC RIGHTS OF ASSERTED PERSONALITY:

The philosophy of behavior is based on the assumption that many people have forgotten, or simply were not told, that we are all equal and have equal rights. The goal of assertiveness is to assert your rights without violating the rights of others.

• I have the right to express my feelings
• I have the right to express my opinions and beliefs
• I have the right to say yes or no
• I have the right to change my mind
• I have the right to say "I don't understand"
• I have the right to just be myself and not adjust to other people.
• I have the right not to take responsibility for other people's problems
• I have the right to ask others for something
• I have the right to set my own priorities.
• I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously
• I have the right to make mistakes and feel comfortable admitting them.
• I have the right to be illogical when making decisions
• I have the right to say "I don't care"
• I have the right to be unhappy or happy

Let us consider in more detail the types of conduct, from which it is necessary to get rid of.

PASSIVE BEHAVIOR:

The essence of passive behavior is that you yourself violate your rights without expressing your feelings, thoughts and beliefs and thus allow others to violate your rights. Or you say them in such a way that others just don't pay attention to them.

A passive person allows others to stamp on themselves, thinking that he is under control and does not have the ability to act on his own. They will not allow their own needs to take precedence over the needs of others. They allow others to make decisions for them, even if they know they will later regret it. They feel helpless and powerless.

A person with passive behavior seems to say: "my thoughts and feelings do not matter, so you can neglect me." Behind the insecurity of such a person, we see a desire to hide a deep fear, not to meet the expectations of others.

The goal of passive behavior is to avoid conflict and trouble at all costs.

VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL CHARACTERISTICS:

• Letting events pass by
• Beating around the bush - not talking about yourself, about what you really mean
• No place to apologize in a soft, unstable voice
• Be fuzzy, avoid direct gaze
• Avoiding bodily contact - stepping back from others, slouching your shoulders
• Blinking or laughing when expressing anger
• Cover your mouth with your hand
• Use phrases: "If it won't be too difficult for you" and "But still do what you want …"

What will a person with passive behavior get as a reward?

If something goes wrong, he, as a passive observer, will not be blamed. Others will probably protect him and take care of him. He avoids, procrastinates, or hides from the conflict he fears.

What is the price to pay for passive behavior?

If, due to a lack of assertiveness, a person has allowed the relationship to develop not the way he would like, then it is very difficult to change this. He limits himself, creating in the eyes of others an image of himself as a good, gentle person, and nothing more. he restricts himself in the manifestation of sincere negative emotions (anger, contempt, etc.). He suffers from this, painting in his imagination at night pictures of his own confidence and sincerity.

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR:

The essence of aggressive behavior is that a person defends his personal rights and expresses feelings and thoughts in a way that becomes unacceptable and violates the rights of another person. Superiority is achieved by humiliating others. When threatened, he attacks.

Aggressive behavior creates enemies that can develop fear and paranoia, making life difficult. If an aggressive person is in control of what others are doing, it takes a lot of effort and energy and prevents them from relaxing.

Relationships are usually built on negative emotions and are unstable. Sooner or later, it turns out that a person can no longer behave non-aggressively, he hurts people who are not indifferent to him and suffers from this. In addition, the human body cannot live long under stress and begins to malfunction.

An aggressive person by his behavior shows that he doesn't care what others feel. What is important to others is completely indifferent to him.

Implicit messagesent to us by an aggressive person: I am number one here and you lost before the fight started.

VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL CHARACTERISTICS

• Invasion of other people's space
• Shrill, sarcastic, or condescending voice and look
• Parental gestures
• Threats: “Better be careful”, “If you don’t …”, “Come on …”, etc.
• Interruptions: "What are you talking about", "Don't be a fool", etc.
• Rating comments

Benefits of an aggressive person

others do what he wants. He likes the feeling of a person who is in control of his life. He is less vulnerable in an environment of strife, hostility, and competition.

What Hides Aggressive Behavior:

A deep self-doubt is always hidden behind aggression.

What are the goals pursued by a person with aggressive behavior?

Dominate, win, make the other lose, and punish others.

How does a person with aggressive behavior pay off?

He gets enemies who can develop fear and paranoia, making his life difficult and sometimes unbearable. If he is in control of what others are doing, it takes a lot of effort and energy and does not give him the opportunity to relax.

Relationships are usually built on negative emotions and are unstable. Sooner or later, it turns out that he can no longer behave non-aggressively, he hurts people who are not indifferent to him and suffers from this.

Manuel Smith formulated the rules of assertive behavior in Self Confidence Training:

I have the right to evaluate my own behavior, thoughts and emotions and be responsible for their consequences.

Manipulative bias: I should not judge myself and my behavior in an unceremonious way and independently of others. In fact, it is not I who should evaluate and discuss my personality in all cases, but someone more wise and authoritative.

I have the right not to apologize or explain my behavior

Manipulative bias: I am responsible for my behavior in front of other people, it is desirable that I report to them and explain everything I do, apologize to them for my actions.

I have the right to independently consider whether I am responsible at all or to some extent for solving other people's problems.

Manipulative bias: I have more obligations towards some institutions and people than towards myself. It is advisable to sacrifice my own dignity and adapt.

I have the right to change my mind

Manipulative bias: If I have already expressed a point of view, you should never change it. I would have to apologize or admit I was wrong. This would mean that I am not competent and unable to decide.

I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for my mistakes.

Manipulative bias: I am not supposed to be wrong, and if I make a mistake, I should feel guilty. It is desirable that I and my decisions be controlled.

I have the right to say: "I do not know"

Manipulative bias: It is desirable that I be able to answer any question.

I have the right to be independent from the goodwill of others and from their good attitude towards me.

Manipulative bias: I want people to treat me well, to be loved, I need them.

I have the right to make illogical decisions

Manipulative bias: It is desirable that I respect the logic, reason, rationality and validity of everything I do. Only that which is logical is reasonable.

I have the right to say: "I do not understand you"

Manipulative bias: I have to be attentive and sensitive to the needs of others, I have to "read their minds." If I don't, I am a ruthless ignoramus and no one will love me.

I have the right to say: "I am not interested in this"

Manipulative bias: I must try to be attentive and emotional about everything that happens in the world. I probably won't succeed, but I must try to achieve it with all my might. Otherwise, I am callous, indifferent.

The ability to communicate effectively and productively so that each side wins in the course of communication is almost an art, the foundation of which is assertiveness. In turn, assertiveness originates in a healthy, self-sufficient personality, which, perhaps, you should strive to be, developing the necessary skills and character traits and adhering to certain behavioral models, if you want to feel inner peace, joy, love, self-confidence and other components of human happiness and well-being.

That's all. Until next time. Best regards, Dmitry Poteev.