How Do You Know In Communication That You Are Communicating With A Borderline Person?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Some borderline reactions are characteristic for each of us (relatively speaking, for any healthy neurotic) - we sometimes react painfully to certain situations, and in difficult periods of life we can even get into the border zone of the organization of our psyche.

So, painful behavior with the manifestation of emotional instability, impulsivity and a strong level of desocialization is inherent in any personality, it can begin to manifest itself in adolescence and arise in a variety of situations. The only difference is that a healthy person has a number of compensatory mechanisms adapted to reality and often used. A person with a borderline personality organization, on the contrary, practically does not have the skills to use secondary defense mechanisms. In addition, his compensatory component is arranged in a completely different way - all thoughts are voiced.

All the symptoms of borderline personality are well represented in the book by Otto F. Kernberg, Severe Personality Disorders.

In general, in each of the points below you can recognize yourself, but it is worth considering - how much does all this interfere with your environment and loved ones, how often do such reactions appear?

What are the criteria for identifying a borderline personality in communication?

Speech is easiest to notice when in contact with a person. Because of the confused identity and rather weak contact with reality, the first signs of a borderline appear in the conversation

How is this expressed? The person initially does not mention the participation of a third person in a certain situation, but then in conversation casually refers to him. At this moment, the interlocutor, due to the fragmented speech of the speaker, unconsciously feels that he was inattentive and missed something from what was said, respectively, he unconsciously takes on the blame.

An exclusively fragmented identity leads to a fragmentation of phrases and a confused presentation of events in speech - what happens inside is reflected outside, there can be no other options. Often it is the ability to speak that allows us to understand what is happening in a person's soul.

Borderline individuals add a lot of detail to the story, sometimes from completely different areas. That is why the interlocutor gets the impression that he is not listening attentively, as a result of which he has an internal tension: "How can I be even more attentive ?!"

Sometimes large chunks are missing in the story, for the borderline personality this is the norm - due to the lack of contact with reality, the person believes that everything is clear to the interlocutor (“I understand everything!”).

Reaction with affects, especially anxiety and frustration

For example, a wife may not like her husband coming home 10 minutes later than he promised. As a result, she makes a huge scandal and takes things out into the corridor. Anger can last as long as 2 hours or several days (in rare situations; usually, an outburst of resentment blinds the person for a short time, and he calms down).

In fact, the borderline gets very tired of this behavior. However, people in this state cannot withstand anxiety and, accordingly, fight frustration.

What does this mean? A person has desires and internal needs, but the world dictates completely different living conditions to him, those around him live their own lives and do not think only about him. As a rule, frustration occurs when you want someone to fulfill wishes. Having received a refusal, the borderline person shows a high level of anger, uses other defense mechanisms (isolation, rejection, acting out or rejection in advance), sometimes, against the background of anxiety, uses rather primitive manipulations (“Do this!”, “Don't do this!”, “Don't I will talk to you!”,“I am offended!”etc.).

Momentary contradictory attitude towards oneself

Due to a diffuse identity, a person does not generally understand who he is. As a result, his self-image depends solely on those around him, mood, state of frustration, anxiety, etc.

How does it manifest? The borderline personality is in a great mood - “I am so young! And he did so much! " A few minutes later or, for example, the next day - “No, well, I'm stupid! And in general, I can't do anything! " It is important to understand here that this is not manipulation, a person really thinks about himself this way at the moment.

The presence of primitive defenses (or defenses of the first order) - idealization, devaluation, isolation, strong splitting (here I am good, here I am bad), omnipotence or just control (a person wants to feel that everything is in his hands, he has complete information and leadership all), projective identification (for example, the interlocutor feels the whole range of emotions that the borderline personality does not want to recognize and denies - anger, etc.)

Defense mechanisms are used mainly in moments of anxiety, strong frustration or in painful situations - thus, people with a borderline mental organization protect themselves from the world.

What if the loved one is a borderline person?

1. Do not be scared! This "symptom" is not transmitted by airborne droplets. The very essence of the borderline personality is that the immediate core of the psyche is broken and fragmented. In fact, this is a matured adult who experienced severe psychological trauma at an early age.

• Remember that this person's ego is very weak, so be lenient towards him.
• Don't label your loved ones! It is not worthwhile to independently diagnose their psyche and make diagnoses! First of all, this is a stalemate for you - it will be difficult for you to live with this information.
• Treat loved ones like people with their own difficulties. Remember: if they hurt you, they have a strange and inappropriate reaction to your actions or words, this is due to the experience of anxiety and fear arising from the inability to cope with frustration. Respect these feelings!
• Talk more. If a person with a borderline personality organization has a fairly high level of intelligence, it is possible to reach out to his consciousness without psychotherapy. The main thing is to understand whether he is ready to discuss his reaction with outsiders.
• Do not force yourself to attend psychotherapy sessions, conduct introspection, read special literature, attend trainings or watch webinars while sitting at home. For all this, the desire of a person is needed, otherwise, for all attempts, you will receive a negative response. Most of all, the borderline wants to be accepted as they are - this is the most important aspect of their psyche.