2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It happens in business (and in personal life) that you agreed (with a subordinate, with a second half) to something, and then these requirements were violated. You have made comments, but it has not helped, and you are in anger and bewilderment. The below conversation algorithm might help.
Step 0. Managing emotions. Include an adult position. It is important not only to deal with feelings, but also to track and understand them. Without this step, everyone else is practically useless.
Step 1. Invitation to a conversation. And you start by reporting and listing the facts. Here it is extremely important, firstly, to have facts on hand, and secondly, to present these facts exactly as facts (impartially, accurately, without generalizations, attracting extraneous information that is not relevant to this matter).
Step 2. You talk about your feelings about this and / or about your assumptions. “I am annoyed about this (nervous, perplexed, angry, stumped).” It is important here that the feelings correspond to your real state. Openness presupposes not only open information, but also the opening of one's feelings, then there is no place for unhealthy speculations in contact.
The second important part of expressing feelings is assessing their intensity and consequences. The art of talking about your feelings lies in building a simple formula X = Y = Z, where X is an event, an act, the situation we are talking about, Y is your attitude, your feelings, Z is the consequences that follow this (your actions or that, what the communication partner should do).
There are 3 degrees of reaction according to this formula:
- X1 is a minor but annoying act; Y1 - moderate reaction (slight irritation, annoyance, discontent); Z1 - a proposal to change behavior, pay attention to it, redo it, fix it.
- X2 - the act is serious enough or repetitive despite warnings and agreements; Y2 - manifested (serious displeasure, pronounced irritation); Z2 - clear corrective measures, tight control, if necessary - punishments, fines, loss of bonuses.
- X3 - serious, sometimes catastrophic Y3 - fair reaction (anger, anger); Z3 - tough measures: financial deprivation, demotion, dismissal, breakdown of relations.
At this stage, it is important to remember and understand that you are talking about your feelings about a specific behavior, deed, and not evaluating a person.
Step 3. Your proposal. Here you are talking about how you see the way out of the situation, what you want to get. The proposal must be specific and doable. You need to be aware that if you say A, you will have to say B. That is, you need to be sure that you can fulfill your promise to support the agreements.
Step 4. Positive consequences. Tell your partner what will be good if the agreement is respected. You should also understand and articulate these consequences well. And don't forget to keep your promises.
Step 5 Negative consequences. Now you promise that bad things will happen if you don't follow through. Remember to keep promises. Do not scatter promises and threats. After all, there is nothing worse than promising and not doing.
Step 6. Anchoring. In this step, you bring back the kindness by emphasizing that you are separating the embarrassing episode from the whole person and your relationship with them. If you don't think so, then why are you interacting with these people.
Now you can speak with good reason about your feelings and fulfill the promised measures. This algorithm is not a solution to all problems, but it can help you in many situations.
The article appeared thanks to the works of Mikhail Litvak and Tatiana Soldatova.
Dmitry Dudalov
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