2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
They have been walking on the Internet for a long time "10 Assertive Human Rights"which formulated
Manuel Smith
Assertiveness is the ability of a person not to depend on external influences and assessments, to independently regulate his own behavior and be responsible for it.
The goal of assertiveness is defend their rights without violating the rights of others.
Assertive behavior
The essence is You defend your own rights, express your thoughts and feelings directly, honestly and openly in a way that respects the rights of others.
An assertive person acts without unnecessary worry or guilt. Assertive people respect themselves and others and are responsible for their actions and choices. They understand their needs and ask openly and directly for what they want.
When rejected, they may feel sad or frustrated, but their self-image is not clouded. They don't rely too much on other people's approval and feel safe and confident in themselves.
Assertive people show others how they would like to be treated. They are self-sufficient.
Explicit behavior - That's what I think. This is how I feel. This is how I assess the situation. What about you? If our needs conflict, I am certainly willing to consider the differences, and perhaps I will be willing to compromise.
Hidden thought - I will not allow you to use me and I will not attack you for being who you are.
Target - communicate clearly and directly, like an adult with an adult.
Verbal and non-verbal characteristics:
- Active listening
- Solid, calm voice
- Direct eye contact
- Straight, balanced, open body position
- Voice volume suitable for the situation
- Usage: "I", "I love, I want …", "I don't want to …"
- Cooperation phrases: "What do you think about this?"
- Emphasized statements of interest: "I would really like to …"
Benefit - the more you defend yourself and act in a manner that you respect, the higher your self-esteem. Your chances of getting what you want out of life are increased if others understand what you want and that you are protecting your rights and needs.
If you directly express feelings of resentment, then negative emotions do not accumulate. Without feeling painful feelings of shyness and anxiety and without wasting energy on self-defense, you can see, hear and love more easily.
Payback - friends can take advantage of your self-affirmation and can sabotage your newly acquired assertiveness. You will redefine your beliefs and reassess your childhood values. This can create resistance.
This is the "golden mean" between aggression and passivity.
Now let's look at the extremes of behavior.
Aggressive behavior
The essence - You protect your personal rights and expressions of feelings, thoughts in such a way that it becomes unacceptable and violates the rights of another person. Superiority is achieved by humiliating others. When you are threatened, you attack.
Aggressive behavior creates enemies that can develop fear and paranoia, making your life difficult. If you are in control of what others are doing, it takes a lot of effort and energy and does not give you the opportunity to relax.
Relationships are usually built on negative emotions and are unstable. Sooner or later it turns out that you can no longer behave non-aggressively, you cause pain to people you care about and suffer from it. In addition, the human body cannot live long under stress and begins to malfunction.
Explicit behavior - I don't care what you feel. What is important to you is completely indifferent to me.
Hidden thought - I will "do" you before you do it. I'm number one here.
Verbal and non-verbal characteristics:
- Invasion of other people's space
- Shrill, sarcastic, or condescending voice and look
- Parental gestures
- Threats: “Better be careful”, “If you don’t …”, “Come on …”, etc.
- Interruptions: "What are you talking about", "Don't be a fool", etc.
- Rating comments
Benefit - others do what you want. Everything goes the way you want, and you like the feeling of a person who is in control of his life. You are less vulnerable in an environment of fighting, hostility, and competition.
Subconscious - deep self-doubt is always hidden behind aggression.
Target - dominate, win, make the other lose and punish others.
Pay - aggressive behavior creates enemies that can develop fear and paranoia, making your life difficult. If you are in control of what others are doing, it takes a lot of effort and energy and does not give you the opportunity to relax.
Relationships are usually built on negative emotions and are unstable. Sooner or later it turns out that you can no longer behave non-aggressively, you cause pain to people you care about and suffer from it.
Passive behavior
The essence - You are violating your own rights, because you do not express your feelings, thoughts and beliefs, and, therefore, you allow others to violate your rights.
Passive or non-assertive behavior can also mean expressing thoughts and feelings in such an apologetic and humble manner that others simply won't pay attention to them.
A passive person allows others to stomp on themselves, like on a rug in a hallway. Non-assertive people think they are out of control, in control, and unable to act on their own. They will not allow their own needs to take precedence over the needs of others. They allow others to make decisions for them, even if they know they will later regret it. They feel helpless and powerless.
Explicit behavior - they still don't count with me, so you can use me. My feelings, needs and thoughts are less important than yours.
Hidden thought - take care of me and telepathically understand my feelings and needs. Will you love / respect me if I am assertive? I have to protect you from pain.
Subconscious - hide a deep fear behind the uncertainty, not meet the expectations of others.
Target - to pacify the other and avoid conflict and troubles at any cost.
Verbal and non-verbal characteristics:
- Letting events pass by
- Beating around the bush - not talking about yourself, about what you really mean
- No place to apologize in a soft, unstable voice
- Be fuzzy, avoid direct gaze
- Avoiding bodily contact - stepping back from others, slouching your shoulders
- Blinking or laughing when expressing anger
- Cover your mouth with your hand
- Use phrases: "If it won't be too difficult for you" and "But still do what you want …"
Benefit - You have been rewarded for your selflessness. If something goes wrong, you, as a passive observer, will not be blamed. Others will protect you and take care of you. You avoid, delay, or hide the conflict you fear.
Pay - if, due to a lack of assertiveness, you allowed the relationship to develop not the way you would like, then it is very difficult to change it. You limit yourself by creating in the eyes of others an image of yourself as a good, gentle person, and nothing more. You limit yourself in the manifestation of sincere negative emotions (anger, contempt, etc.). You suffer from this, drawing pictures of your own confidence and sincerity in your imagination at night.
Psychotherapist Alexander Mokhovikov said: "I believe that if I respect my ethics and recognize it, then I inevitably admit that everyone has the right to their own individual code, and then I have the only basis for a relationship with another person - respect."
I think that everything needs balance, otherwise there is simply no relationship.
What do you think? Share your opinion in the comments!
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