Typical Manipulations Of The "border Guard" In Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Clients who consult with me on relationship issues generally tell similar stories about the dynamics of interaction with a “borderline” partner / partner.

A person with BPD tends to idealize their companion initially. During this period, the relationship is almost perfect. The "border guard", like the "narcissist", can beautifully look after, produce an effect. Even if at first the partner / partner did not plan a serious relationship with him, then gradually, imperceptibly for himself, he is drawn in, convinced that he will not find anyone who would treat her (him) as well.

However, as they get closer, when the "border guard" begins to feel control over the situation, he increasingly reveals his traumatized essence. And the relationship continues to be built on destructive manipulation associated with the emotional instability of the "border guard", fear of intimacy, abandonment, black-and-white thinking, dysphoria, boredom, inconsistency, lack of empathy, etc.

In fact, a "border guard" is an adult child with childish attitudes that "I am not responsible for anything, but everyone owes me", "if you love me, you will do everything the way I need to, and if not, then you deserve hatred and contempt."

Proceeding from this, relations are almost always formed with them according to a codependent type, when the partner lives, serving the needs of the "border guard", acting for him in the role of a parent and completely devaluing himself.

Manipulation is a way of implicitly managing emotions and behavior of a person with a complete refusal of personal responsibility

I will give just some of the most common examples of the manipulations of the "border guard" that I encountered in practice. We all resort to manipulation from time to time, the question is only in the "dose".

With BPD, manipulation is present in relationships almost all the time and is destructive, destabilizing in nature. Manipulation (conscious or unconscious) is caused by unstable self-esteem, a projective mechanism of rejection.

1. Gaslighting. The "border guard" is trying to convince the partner of his inadequacy in order to induce him to dance to his tune: "When we get divorced, I will take the children from you, because you are too inadequate to raise them." Other variations: "You thought you misunderstood everything.." and so on.

2. "Go away / stay." When the "border guard" is in a state of dysphoria and his self-esteem is at zero, he feels irritated, may not contain his anger and make a scandal with breaking down doors and other damage to property, resort to moral and / or physical violence; the partner at this moment begins to wildly irritate up to the desire to part with him. Then the phase of dysphoria is replaced by the fear of leaving and the "border guard" again attempts to improve relations with a partner or find a replacement for him.

3. Depreciation (The "border guard" often compares his partner with others in order to lower his self-esteem and force him to play according to his own scenario). There is also a tendency to please one's spontaneous desires, low frustration tolerance, which gives rise to moodiness and low stress resistance.

An example of a discounting dialogue:

- Gleb really loves Masha, takes her to Thailand, buys fur coats, cleans the apartment himself, gives flowers every day … And you? I am more and more convinced that you do not love me.

- Sveta, how is that? We were on vacation in Turkey three months ago.

- This vacation was for me a series of torment and suffering. I don't even want to remember Turkey.

- How? You were so happy while we were there.

- Of course, you can't see beyond your nose. Where can you understand what I felt then?

Another kind of depreciation: "Who needs you (on)!" etc.

4. “You have to accept me as I am. If not, I don't keep anyone. " - this phrase is often used to justify their behavior and avoid responsibility. In other words: "I will not change for your sake and control my behavior."

5. “I earn. What more do you want from me? Don't you have enough money? This phrase is often used to relieve oneself of responsibility for emotional, physical return in a relationship and to do only what one likes.

6. "I really didn't mean to offend you …". This phrase perfectly masks the true message: "I wanted to offend you, but I will apologize so that you do not accuse me of cruelty." Another modification: “Are you really offended? I was just joking". This phrase has the goal of probing the partner's pain points and, again, absolving himself of responsibility for the unconstructive discharge of aggression.

7. "If you leave, I will commit suicide!" and other cases of threats / blackmail. The goal is to maintain control in the relationship, to see confirmation of the partner's feelings, to induce to satisfy all the whims of the “border guard.” This is one of the harsh manipulations of feelings of guilt and fear.

8. “Never do that! Can i"

From the dialogue:

- Masha, you forbid me to go to the bar with friends, and today she met there with classmates. How do you understand?

- I get claustrophobic when I don't change the environment for a long time, I don't communicate with anyone. And in general, with your nit-picking you will bring me to a panic attack!"

As you know, the best defense is offense.

9. “I want only you and me to be in our world”, “You, like an infantile, are attached to your parents / communicate with friends…”.

The purpose of this manipulation is to isolate the partner from close social ties in order to be more subordinate to their influence. Also, some kind of family secret plays a unifying role.

For example, a woman in a quarrel in anger shouts to a man: “Because of you, I had an abortion, because you were cold with me, selfish. If you also decide to leave me, I will tell your mother how you killed our child!"

10. "I can't promise you anything …" - says the "border guard" to the partner, thus, again, relieving himself of any responsibility and keeping him in a "suspended" state of complete unpredictability. The purpose of this manipulation can also be to get the partner to go out of their way to earn certainty.

The border guard's partner often feels enslaved by these messages and sees no other way out but to take full responsibility for his fate.

However, events often develop in such a way that when the partner himself becomes dependent on the "border guard", he unexpectedly breaks off the relationship, finding a replacement for the former companion.

This happens in relationships, when the “border guard” does not reflect on his state and does not correct it, when the secondary benefits in the form of power and control over others, egotism, projections of rejection outweigh the value of emotional closeness and warmth.