2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
As mentioned in the last article, the basic conflict of the borderline personality is the need for closeness of the other and in the fear of "absorption" at the same time, which forces us to play the eternal game of "closer and further". The conflict also lies in the fact that the phase of the need for closeness of one partner can often come into conflict with the desire of the other partner to temporarily distance himself as a way to designate personal space, boundaries. This behavior is perceived by those in need of intimacy as rejection, exacerbating misunderstanding and alienation.
Codependency is about the desire to control the actions of another person in order to regulate one's condition, to cope with the feeling of abandonment, loneliness, emptiness, inferiority through it.
Thus, the locus of control turns out to be directed not inward, at one's own needs and interests, but at the life of a significant object, at its control and "absorption".
The monitored object finds itself in a humiliating position when its partner declares a desire to be aware of all its affairs, regularly checks the phone, even comes to the control of money spending, when the controller insists on setting up a common bank card, draws up a SIM card for itself, installs spyware to the computer, tracks his movements by GPS.
The demand for constant attention turns out to be paralyzing or causes a desire to leave contact, to hide. So, for example, one woman showed inappropriate behavior, rolling up scandals to her husband every time he did not immediately answer the call, did not come on demand, threatened with suicide, citing the fact that he did not love her, since he behaved in this way.
Not only does such control humiliate the dignity of another, but also forces him to become a hostage of emotional abuse, and the person continues to remain in this relationship more out of a sense of salvation, guilt, fear than out of love.
The one who manifests obsessive control also does it not out of love for another, but out of fear of loneliness, wounded pride and a lack of understanding of what to do next, how to live, what to strive for. A codependent mutual responsibility is formed when the painful behavior of one generates painful reactions of the other.
The counterdependent in these relationships implements the avoidance scheme (avoids contact, abuses alcohol), because unable to build healthy boundaries.
The codependent, on the contrary, constantly invades his boundaries, realizing the same scheme according to which the partner's parents acted when they constantly invaded his personal space.
The counterdependent, like the codependent, also fears abandonment, but demonstrates autonomy as long as the codependent pursues him. If the counterdependent feels the risk of losing a significant object, he, through projective identification, begins to provoke situations in which he will be persecuted again (this can be illness, depression, getting into unpleasant situations, suicidal risk, any situations that will implicitly call the codependent to help).
The counterdependent often "offers himself" to the aggressor. When he ceases to control him, he is genuinely indignant, why is this happening? As a result, a sadomasochistic scenario of acting out children's schemes is played out every time.
Each of the partners in a codependent relationship has a secondary benefit in the form of a fear of abandonment and shifting responsibility for their emotional state.
One always finds excuses why he is dependent on the other, appealing to his vulnerability and even insolvency in any life issues. Mixed with this is the feeling of emptiness, which is acutely felt during periods of separation or separation.
What is the feeling of emptiness? How is it formed?
When a person has a weak border of "I" and a sense of selfhood, he begins to introject into himself the parts of the "I" of the object of attachment, appropriate them, making them a part of himself. He appropriates his values, attitude to life, his hobbies, behavior and even his manner of speaking, begins to listen to the same music, watch the same films, feel what another feels. There is a complete merger with him due to the weakness of his personal position.
So, from a person you can hear, for example: "Communicating with you, I became completely different. Everything that was previously ceased to exist, has lost its relevance. My old world is destroyed and now you make up my universe."
With the loss of the object of attachment, a person seems to lose part of himself or all of himself completely, feeling the meaninglessness of life and a bottomless emotional vacuum.
To avoid the feeling of emptiness, attempts are made to bind the object of love to oneself in one way or another. If unattainable, intermediate objects can be used (transferring the qualities of a loved one to someone who is available at the moment, "hanging" on his personal page in social networks, storing memorabilia, constant conversations about the object of attachment, etc.).
I repeat that this happens because the locus of control of a dependent person is directed at another, and not at himself, he constantly, as it were, lives the life of significant others, and his meaning of life has not been formed for him, connection with his body, his inner child, his needs, desires, life goals and plans are unstable without constant external support.
When a significant object is lost, a feeling of guilt arises, a person constantly asks the question: "What did I do wrong? If I had acted differently, maybe the separation would not have happened?"
Retaining parts of the "I" of another object in oneself forms an emotional dependence "how am I going to live without it now?"
The reluctance to part with the internalized image prolongs the agonizing agony, makes one cherish the hope that everything can still be returned, attempts to convince himself “he / she loves me and wants to be with me, but cannot”.
It is because of the painful "getting stuck" in thoughts about something else that "border guards" are afraid of close, emotionally rich relationships, preferring short-term relationships, choosing as partners a person to whom they do not feel much attachment, or even remaining alone.
This is how a destructive pattern is realized - to avoid secure attachment rather than build healthy contact.
Dear readers, thank you for your attention to my articles
Recommended:
BIG CHILD: HOW TO SURVIVE WITH A BORDER GUARD?
Illusions attract us to those that relieve pain … Z. Freud What we call intensive psychotherapy, in fact there is an accelerated process, aimed at reaching maturity, delayed for twenty, thirty or more years from trying to live with a childlike attitude to life J.
Neurosis, Psychosis, Border Guard
Neurosis, psychosis, personality disorders, how does a schizoid differ from a person with a schizoid disorder, or in simple words of a schizophrenic, what is character, temperament, and if a person is structured, how can this be done? Let's talk about it?
Typical Manipulations Of The "border Guard" In Relationships
Clients who consult with me on relationship issues generally tell similar stories about the dynamics of interaction with a “borderline” partner / partner. A person with BPD tends to idealize their companion initially. During this period, the relationship is almost perfect.
Love And Sex With The "border Guard"
Often a person with borderline personality disorder in a relationship acts as a capricious child and expects his partner to fulfill the role of an unconditionally loving parent in relation to him, that is, the “border guard” perceives the partner as an extension of his parent - father or mother.
The Husband Does Not Want Sex With His Wife. Why? The Reasons Why The Husband Does Not Take The Initiative In Sex?
Husband doesn't want to have sex with his wife? To start the conversation, I will give you an example of a male position and a letter from my email: Alexander, 41 years old. My marital experience is 16 years, my wife Irina, two daughters are growing up.
