2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Internal state of "unnecessary"
People read the inner state of other people. After all, we notice when a person is happy, upset, angry, afraid, offended. In the same way, we notice that a person is waiting for rejection or internally does not really want contact (afraid of a relationship, expects betrayal, or something else, which ultimately will not allow us to come to a fruitful relationship).
There are not so many people who, after the meeting, could realize this and say “you know, I feel that you are afraid of rejection, so I don’t want to continue communicating with you”, usually something like “yes, it’s not a bad person, but something not that, does not pull further to communicate."
In addition, there is also the phenomenon of countertransference: when the therapist has feelings for the client that his parents or other significant people felt for the person. The term is tied to the context of the therapeutic relationship, but the phenomenon itself works in any relationship.
If, for example, Petya's mother, deep down in her soul, disliked him and from time to time showed passive aggression towards him, then other people may dislike Petya and say the same words that mother said, but at the same time people do not even understand why it happens. It seems that Petya is a normal guy, but I just want to pin him up.
And then there is the phenomenon of confirming your state. A person chooses those people who will confirm his installation that he is not needed. They will not necessarily reject him, because it is him that will be rejected. But people are just not ready for contact at the moment for some of their personal reasons. But the person takes it personally.
Rejection-provoking behavior
If you still manage to establish a relationship, they do not last long and / or the atmosphere in them is heavy. Because a person with an inner feeling of uselessness continues to provoke rejection. For example, in one of the ways:
* Arranges checks. Says something bad about himself in the hope of hearing a refutation. Tries to distance himself in the hope that he will be returned. Refuses something in the hope that he will be persuaded. “I’m probably tired of you already”, “I will not go to the holiday, who needs me there”, etc. Sometimes he even does something bad on purpose, while experiencing an internal conflict: one part hopes that he will be accepted and loved even by the “bad”, and the other part is waiting for rejection, because only in rejection and knows how to live.
* In the words and actions of the partner, he sees something against himself and takes offense, falling into his funnel of rejection trauma. The partner did not answer the message for five minutes, which means that he is not interested. He said thank you for the gift two times, not three times, which means that he didn’t like the gift. If he praised one of his colleagues, it means that he fell in love with a colleague and is cheating. Etc.
* When a partner does or says something pleasant, the person does not accept it. Or he physically refuses pleasant actions, and answers warm words, “No, I’m not like that, you are exaggerating.” Either he ignores, forgets that the partner has done or said something pleasant. Because then you will have to admit that the partner actually has interest and warm feelings, and this will break the inner conviction of uselessness, so familiar and familiar.
* The person is constantly in the negative. Constant bububu that everything is wrong, everything is wrong, life is shit.
* Tries to earn love and clings too much. A person loses himself, does everything for another. And at the same time he has a lot of expectations, which eventually begin to “choke” the partner.
Going to the bottom
The carapace of uselessness grows and ossifies. Uselessness becomes a principle of life, and the proof of its uselessness becomes a matter of life. In addition to the “uselessness” in a person, there is also a deep anger: “Everyone needs only money”, “Everyone needs only appearance”, “I am too smart, they are too stupid”.
The man sinks. Stops doing something interesting. Stops looking after himself. That is, there are already objective reasons not to enter into a relationship with him.
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