2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In the modern world there are many books and trainings that teach how to manipulate other people - "How to make him fall in love?", "Having learned these principles, you can fall in love with anyone", "How to win friends?", "How to become popular?" Do they work? - Yes, but in isolated cases.
Usually people look for various secret methods of communication when they do not want to say directly about their desires because they are afraid of being rejected. But the use of these techniques does not lead to the construction of happy and trusting relationships in the way that others feel lies and manipulations at the subconscious level, but cannot understand what exactly they are being deceived and therefore move away. And the lie lies in the fact that a person is afraid to be himself, therefore he uses many different techniques in order to "communicate competently and build communications correctly." By this he steals from himself.
The fear of speaking directly about one's desires and needs arises when a person does not believe that he is good enough and worthy to get what he wants. This fear is formed in childhood, when the child was constantly denied the realization of his desires, praised only for achievements, promised gifts and interesting walks in exchange for good behavior or high marks. It would seem that this is bad, a small person should be accustomed to work to achieve the goal? The pitfall lies in the fact that it pushes him to wear the mask of a "good boy" or "good girl", who will try to meet other people's expectations, earn love and favor with the right actions, will be very dependent on the evaluation of others and unhappy.
A small child and an adult should be equally praised for their actions and just for what they are. Examples of support and approval "just like that" might be the following words:
- you have beautiful eyes, pleasant voice;
- I feel good next to you;
- I will gladly do it for you because it pleases me, etc.
Then a person feels his worth as a person, and not only as a result of "correct" actions, and this gives him the opportunity to communicate more openly.
In order to become more self-confident, you do not need to study a rich assortment of manipulations - this will not help to cope with fear. It is necessary first of all to get acquainted with yourself in the present - with your thoughts and feelings, feel the inner core, your own I and learn to express it, as well as understand your needs and believe that you deserve to get what you want and be happy just like that, by birthright. A course of psychotherapy can help very well in this.
When we talk about our desires directly and do not play the game "Guess the pier for yourself" - this is very close communication, it becomes simple and understandable, which means that the chances of getting what you want from the other are significantly increased.
Let me give you an example from life.
Me and my boyfriend worked in a children's camp. After the shift shift, some of the counselors had to call in in the evening and prepare the detachments for meeting the children, and some with the children. It so happened that my boyfriend had to go in the evening, and I - in the morning. We spent our day off with our parents at sea and they decided to grill barbecue in the evening. My boyfriend really wanted to stay with us and so he called his boss and said: "Listen, I'm here at the sea now, in the evening there will be barbecues and a house party, so I don't want to miss it, can I come with the children in the morning?" And the boss gave him permission.
At that moment, my surprise knew no bounds - it turned out that you can so easily and simply tell the truth and get what you want. Then I was still a "good girl" and in his place I would have come up with a bunch of compelling and detailed reasons (up to the temperature) why I need to stay.
If we speak directly and openly, do we always get what we want?
No. And there is nothing humiliating in this, so you should not be afraid of rejections. Everyone has the right to choose what to do, what is best for him. If we need something, we have the right to either negotiate with the right person, or find another.
Healthy relationships with people are built on the principles of sincerity and healthy boundaries
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Thank you for your attention.
Best regards, Natalia Ostretsova, psychologist, psychotherapist, Viber +380635270407, skype / email [email protected].
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