Loss And Grief. Article For Victims And Helpers, Self-help And Therapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Loss and grief

Article for victims and helpers, self-help and therapy

The article was written both for people experiencing loss, supporting loved ones, and for representatives of helping professions.

Death, divorce, termination of relationships, social and financial "falls", the collapse of hopes of various kinds are accompanied by intense experiences, whether we like it or not.

These experiences are difficult to bear and often encompass both perceived and latent feelings ranging from grief and sadness to anger, despair, and guilt.

The emotions associated with loss are so strong that they affect our ability to think well and make decisions, sometimes regardless of erudition and intellectual baggage. Sometimes these events change us for years, or even forever.

Sometimes we try to force events, trying to speed up healing and, not knowing the nature of the reaction to loss, we can delay recovery and provoke the development of psychosomatic disorders.

For the person helping, it is important to be able to explain the patterns of a healthy experience of the drama, and for the victim himself, it makes sense to read the relevant literature for the average reader, such as this article.

It is also important for the helper to be effective support not to be afraid of the emotions associated with loss and to be aware of their own reactions and fears, both in connection with the person's intense emotions and with their own fears of loss.

One of the first mistakes you make is trying to calm your emotional reactions. The nature of the experience of loss suggests that it is important to experience grief, anger, despair, powerlessness at the level of emotions, not suppressing them, but avoiding destructive behavior. What does it mean "not to hold back the impulse": to cry or even yell, but at the same time to stop the impulse to self-harm of all kinds.

The other extreme is to disperse emotions to an unbearable intensity. This reaction tends to involve a rarely perceived bouquet of feelings of powerlessness, guilt, and resentment. In this case, the intervention is just necessary.

It is important to help not to restrain grief, anger, despair, powerlessness, to normalize them, but at the same time to turn the conversation against irrational self-accusation or the search for blame.

Most often this can be done by saying: “This loss seems unbearable and, like many in your situation, you feel guilty (looking for someone to blame), but it would be more honest to admit that the reason is that these feelings are very difficult to endure and now it is better allow yourself to just grieve, get angry, roar”(name emotions, trying to guess what the ward is going through).

It is important not to rush or rush, trying to help too fussy. This is sometimes discordant with the feelings of the ward and creates an atmosphere of a vacuum of incomprehension and alienation. We are often afraid of strong emotions and start fussing around, talking a lot, trying to calm down inappropriately, twittering about “positive things,” etc. It is important for the helper to be unobtrusively but confidently close, allowing the sufferer to sometimes retire and not allow himself to be completely isolated.

For those experiencing loss, it is important to accept help and ask for help, even if you are experiencing the strongest impulse to “close in a shell”. Temporary seclusion - but not isolation.

So, how to help those who are experiencing loss, a simplified algorithm.

To be there emotionally, having determined how much time you are ready to devote to the sufferer 100 percent, without infringing upon yourself.
Asking questions about your feelings about the loss, you can also name the emotions out loud when asking about feelings so that it is easier to identify them.
Find out whether the ward is angry (towards himself, the one who has left, others), guilt, resentment, whether he blames himself. To say that these emotions are normal and to transfer attention to the experience of emotions, explaining that these thoughts are irrational and it is enough to live and express feelings to defuse tension.
Encourage the person to breathe slowly and sigh (vocalize the breath yourself) to relieve tension and to digest these feelings more easily.
Offer to talk about your experiences, thoughts and how
Explain the cycle of grief (see below), the patterns and timing of mourning, the importance of living fully on time at each stage and the need to seek help and receive appropriate help, not to isolate oneself.

"Say the name of the demon - and he no longer has power over you"

Identify your feelings, write or name them, note how they feel in the body, rate their intensity from 0 to 10.

Unpleasant sensations in the body (cramps, nausea, lump in the throat) can be suppressed by impulses / feelings. Listening to these sensations, try to feel - perhaps you are holding back crying or screaming (in your throat and chest), an impermissible impulse to attack (in your hands), shrink, hide, etc.

Name these experiences and express them, if possible.

"The joy that we share with another, becomes twice as large, and the grief - half as much"

Another important detail is that sometimes people who are experiencing loss say that they do not feel emotional shock or do not feel any emotions at all. Some begin to blame themselves for indifference, selfishness or callousness, get scared of this reaction or get angry. But, as a rule, in such cases it turns out that this is a shock reaction, a protective reaction of the body, internal emotional anesthesia. Often, a psychologist can identify a so-called dissociative reaction. Some people themselves note that this "calmness" extends not only to sadness, but to the entire spectrum of emotions.

If you wish to help a grieving person, ask if the person is willing to receive your help. Explain that talking can help relieve suffering, but do not insist. Wait for agreement - and you can ask the following questions or suggest working with the following exercises yourself.

Exercise 1

By answering questions and discussing your feelings, ease your feelings - breathe long and slowly, sigh:

* Perhaps you will not have answers to all questions, not everything will suit your situation.

Grief _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Powerlessness _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Despair _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Resentment _ its intensity is from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Powerlessness _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Fear of the future _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Feelings of guilt _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

What do you blame yourself for _

Which of these is not really your fault / responsibility? _

Which of these is not in your power, capabilities, competence? _

Anger at the one who left _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Anger at yourself _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Anger at relatives / close people _ its intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Do you think that you will never live a full, happy life again? Write them down.

Emotions _ their intensity from 0 to 10 _ where you feel it in the body _

Strong, hard-to-bear emotions, such as powerlessness, despair and rage, tend to greatly distort the perception of reality and distort the idea of oneself and the situation, causing an irrational sense of guilt and attempts to find and punish those responsible.

Grief is about intense feelings, intense mental and sometimes physical reactions to suffering from loss.

The patterns of grief suggest that it is impossible to end the process quickly without upsetting the balance. Experiences in hypnotherapy have shown that with short-term relief of emotional symptoms (depression, powerlessness, or anger), clients often developed physical problems (heart, respiratory, skin, digestive) or behavioral disorders (suicidal / risky).

Grief is a necessary and natural psychological process, but by no means a “sign of weakness” of a person experiencing it.

This is not a disease, but a way to recover.

Loss / Grief Cycle

Acute grief is a specific syndrome with psychological and somatic symptoms that lasts about 3-4 months. It can arise immediately after the loss (crisis), it can be delayed, it can not manifest itself explicitly, or, on the contrary, it can manifest itself in an overly emphasized form. Instead of the typical syndrome, there may be distorted pictures, each of which represents some particular aspect of grief. These distorted pictures by appropriate methods can be transformed into a normal grief reaction, accompanied by resolution.

The duration and intensity of mourning is generally very individual and depends on many external and internal reasons. For example, the degree of unexpectedness of death, its nature, the age of the deceased, the characteristics of the client's relationship with him, as well as the personal characteristics of the client himself. However, one of the most important indicators that determine the duration of grief is how successfully the client performs the work of grief, namely, comes out of a state of extreme dependence on the deceased, re-adjusts to the environment in which the lost face is no longer there, and forms a new relationship. … However, one of the biggest obstacles to this work is that many clients try to avoid the intense suffering associated with grieving and avoid expressing the emotions necessary to grieve.

The picture of acute grief is similar in different people. The following features are most pronounced: constant sighing, complaints common to all clients of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite; some changes in consciousness can be observed - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance with others (their behavior may seem strange - "how can they smile, talk, go to shops when death exists and it is so close").

So, the following 5 signs are characteristic of normal mourning:

physical suffering;
absorption in the image of the one who left;
feeling of guilt (“I did not do everything for the deceased that I could”, “I was inattentive to him during his lifetime,” “if it were not for my actions (thoughts, feelings, deeds), he would have lived”, etc.);
hostile reactions (loss of warmth in relationships with others, a tendency to talk with irritation or anger, avoiding all contact with loved ones and friends);
loss of behavior patterns (inability to start and maintain organized activities, lack of interest in favorite activities, unwillingness to do something, etc.).

6 months. With the onset of the six-month period, depression begins. The severity of the experience diminishes, but not the emotion. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays can be especially painful, and they can again bring depression with them.

12 months. The first anniversary of death can be either pivotal or traumatic, depending on the consequences of the year of suffering.

18-24 months. This is the "resorption" time. The pain of loss becomes bearable and the person who has experienced the loss of a loved one gradually returns to his former life. Here there is an "emotional farewell" to the deceased, the realization that since it is impossible to forget this person, there is no longer a need to fill your whole life with the pain of loss. It was during this period of time that the words "bereavement" and "grief" disappear from the vocabulary, life takes its toll. Of course, the described periods of time, as well as the stages of the experienced unhappiness, are not dogma, they can change. For example, for a very long time, up to 4-5 years, the grief of parents who have lost their children can last.

For the pathological reaction of grief, I recommend consulting a psychotherapist.

Exercise 2

Write at least 10 letters to the person who left you.

Write whatever comes to mind, be irrational, selfish, touchy and demanding in these letters - you still don't send them. Write about your complaints and feelings, do not be afraid to repeat yourself. Write about the same thing until you get relief. It is important to express your feelings sincerely and accurately. If relief does not come, it is likely that something is left unsaid, inaccurately named, or not sincerely described. Frequently name your feelings in connection with the situations mentioned: I am offended.., I am scared …, I am outraged …, etc.

Most often we are angry with people who died, who left us not of their own free will, who left us in this horror, but we rarely realize this unjustified irrational anger. It makes sense to name these feelings, it will not hurt anyone and will not offend anyone, but it often brings some comfort from recognizing the inner truth and liberates.

Some of the above phrases can help you express your feelings, some will not suit you, but do not rush to judgments, try to write without thinking too much.

“My dear mom (dad, (name …)), I didn't have time to tell you … …

If I had the opportunity to tell you, I would say….

If I had the opportunity to ask you, I would ask….

- probably, you would answer (a) …………

If I had the opportunity to ask you, then I would ask….

- you probably would have answered …………

I am very angry with you for …………

Due to the fact that you …………………………. I still ……………

I've always missed … … …

I always wanted to tell you ………..

I will never tell you … … …

Due to the fact that you are ………………………….. I am ………….

Despite the fact that you are ………………………… I am ………….

It was wrong …………..

It was unfair …………..

I am still………………………."

It terrifies me that I don't feel anything

I miss you

I'm scared

It hurts me

I am offended"

You can end the letters with sincere thanks, but this is not necessary for the first five letters.

To free yourself from destructive emotions, feelings of guilt, self-flagellation, and resentment, write and speak the following statements.

“I forgive myself for (write what comes to your mind) _

(further describe your thoughts and feelings arising in response)"

“I forgive myself for what I allowed

(describe your thoughts and feelings arising in response) _

“I forgive myself for not being able to foresee the inevitable