Thank You, I Understood Everything, Or I'm My Own Psychologist

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This story was told to me by a colleague who started working as a psychologist a long time ago, even before the advent of mobile phones (the absence of mobile phones is an important detail).

So, at some point, the client began to ask a colleague-psychologist for an appointment. "Please, it's very important to me, only you can help me" - "But I'm very busy, I can only find an hour between meetings and events" - "Well, please, I'm ready, even if only for an hour" - "Ok, come to this- That time, we will have an hour, so please think carefully about your request and the details of the situation. We will most likely only have enough time for the most important things. " The happy client agreed to everything.

On the appointed day, the psychologist wound up, ran around and decidedly did not have time for the appointed hour for a consultation. (I remind you that there were no mobile phones). She, of course, came running, but with a delay of almost an hour. The client, it seems, first waited for the psychologist on the stairs, and then left.

A left note stuck out in the doorway: "Thank you, I understood everything!"

After that, the psychologist still contacted the client. It turned out that she really thought about the problem and was preparing. And she also had an hour sitting on the stairs, when she could comprehend everything in even more detail and even build mental dialogues with a psychologist. And the answer was found. So the grateful note was about this: thank you, I was able to think seriously and find the answer.

Well, I want to say: this is how it all works. The answer to difficult questions is found through communication (even mental) with the Other Person. The human being is the key figure here. Can't talk to the wall. You won't be able to subtract in a book. The answer will come in dialogue with the Other. This is how it works.

Naturally, the question is: is a psychologist obligatory here? Of course not. Obligatory OTHER and UNHEALFUL. Even if it is distant, such, before meeting with which there are still many days and weeks. It is often enough to know that somewhere in the world there is a caring person who will hear you.

Psychologist? - excellent, they are specially taught to listen, the psychologist must cope. But in this role, a kind, supportive girlfriend, a teacher, and a beloved grandmother who can be trusted can help. Any Other who cares about you, your story and your feelings.

I myself used to prepare a description of the problem for my psychotherapist for a weekly session, pronounce the request, mentally ask myself the questions that she would ask - and I myself gave the answers for her. And it often turned out that by the time of the meeting, the complexity had already been thought out and discussed. (And it was possible to discuss other topics, also important. This is such a saving of money, time and effort!)

You can, of course, figure out your problems yourself, like that client on the stairs. There is only one caveat - for this you need to do some serious independent work. First, detailed thinking, then dialogic techniques (or some other psychological techniques. Different ones are suitable: there are many of them in books and articles, on the Internet, for money and for free). In fact, the situation is similar to doing sports on your own: yes, excellent physical shape, in principle, can be purchased without a gym, coaches and paid classes. You will only have to go in for sports on your own in your own apartment or on a horizontal bar in the yard, make your own diet (and adhere to it rigidly), and self-motivate yourself. In general, you can do a lot in life yourself. But with specialists it can be much easier to achieve the goal. Therefore, gyms live excellently and are unlikely to go broke (although hanging a horizontal bar at home and buying collapsible dumbbells seems to be cheaper and easier than looking for a gym, paying for a membership and going to it regularly). So if you have not managed to turn into "Miss Fitness" or "Mr. Olympia" at home, then, I suppose, it is worthwhile to reasonably assess your own strength of motivation. And still try to discuss the issue with another living person. Who will not condemn, but will, on the contrary, ask you interested questions.

How does it work? What is the main principle? Why do you need another living person - and you can't talk, for example, with a portrait of Freud on the wall?

1. Another person needs to be brought up to date, he doesn't know anything about the situation. So he needs to retell key factors Problems. That is, you need to clearly structure the situation, highlight the main points and the relationship between them. And all this must be stated intelligibly and briefly (it’s only an hour!), That is, to say only about the MOST IMPORTANT.
2. Necessary describe the situation in a broad context: what else influences, external or, conversely, hidden internal factors. Possible consequences, near and far. And what's good and bad about them. Have you forgotten anything? Have you missed anything? Are there any overestimated factors that, for example, make you very sad, but do not affect anything?
3. Necessary form a request from a problem, and for this to get in touch with your feelings. That is, instead of indistinct discontent, you will have to clearly describe WHAT you don't like, HOW you don't like it, and what is bad about it. ("I'm not happy with my marriage" - "What's wrong with him?" - "I don't like that my husband works so much" - "But why? After all, does he earn money for the family? …" - "But we do not need it so much money, and I miss him and I want him to devote more time to me and the child … ")
4. Have to prove the insurmountability of obstacles … It may not seem obvious to another person. You yourself may agree with this when you try to reasonably prove to someone else, and not repeat as usual: "no, this is impossible." ("Well, I can't tell my mom that I will quit my job at the bank and become an artist!" - "But why?" - "She won't survive!" - "She said that either you work in a bank or she will die ? "-" No … But I never talked to her about it … "-" Did she support you in your endeavors before or demanded to find a job in the bank? "-" She says that the main thing is that I be happy … But she I was so happy when I entered an economic university … "-" Will she definitely judge you if she realizes that you are happy to be an artist? "-" I don't know … No, probably … I never thought about it … they said … I was afraid that she would not survive … ")
5. Many familiar attitudes and prohibitions will have to be revised ("No, I can't do that, our family has never done that" - "But you have been living in another city for eight years and communicate with your family only on New Year's on Skype? They will not even know exactly how you acted ? "-" I can't, I will betray them! "-" Well, well, if you decide to be so faithful to traditions. And what will your life look like? "-" I … I will be unhappy … "-" Well then you decide what is more important to you: family traditions of people you do not depend on, or years of a happy life ").
6. Have to realize your feelings, "listen to the voice of the heart." That is, it is necessary to determine "what the soul is in", and what - categorically not, even if this decision seems to be correct. And this, too, will have to be voiced by another person. And explain to him why you are making a choice in favor of the "right", and not in favor of what makes you happy. After all, he will most likely be sincerely surprised why you are forcing yourself to be unloved (well, if you were in his place, you would be surprised, right?). So, while you are choosing arguments, you yourself will realize a lot.

All this together constitutes the approach described in the anecdote "If you want to understand something, try to explain it to another."

In principle, it is absolutely applicable not only in a dialogue with a psychologist - I repeat, you need another and not indifferent, and what this person does in life, it makes no difference.

There are, of course, serious situations ("I have no one whom I can trust"; "I am excruciatingly ashamed to talk about such a thing to anyone", "I myself do not understand what the problem is - I just feel bad"). Here, yes, there is no way without a psychologist.

But this approach is effective, effective, and I myself have used it more than once.

It helps. I recommend.

Use it.