2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Children hate their parents, and those in turn hate children. The reason for this is mutual expectations, disappointments and unfulfilled hopes.
In the development of children, parents are a role model and ideal. Children always justify them by identifying with them. They often take the blame for their conflicts, failures, and disappointments in life. "Mom is so sad because I behaved badly in the morning (= had a long breakfast)." Find out the situation?
Parents, becoming parents, often become them, because (1) the time has come, because (2) you need to officially “run away” from your parents, who are tired and do not allow them to fully realize themselves. Society does not welcome simply relationships when two people live in a place, travel, achieve some goals, and then create their own "cell". People around will definitely ask the questions "When?" Thus, unseparated children who did not get on their feet, did not realize themselves in the profession, did not decide what their life should be like, what ignites them, what their true desires are, begin to create a family system in which they are parents.
Possessing power as a component of their role (older elements of the system have more rights), they introduce familiar elements, connections, methods of interaction and communication, and also realize all their wishes THROUGH the child.
Frustration comes sooner or later, depending on the child's inner makeup. If the child is very different from the “desired” (gender is not the one, the temperament is not the same, the hobbies are not the ones we would like), then the upbringing game is turned on to the maximum: strict rules, prohibitions, schemes of rewards and punishments come. If the child is not so much knocked out of the "projections" (expectations) of the parents, then he is given a little more variability, but which will still come to the fact that there will be schemes of rewards and punishments for something.
Why are schemas included at all? The main advantage of any schemes is safety and clarity. When I am not confident in myself, in my position, in my self-sufficiency, then any other person seems dangerous to me. I don’t understand his behavior, his actions, his thoughts -> I don’t understand if they hurt me and how I will deal with my feelings later, if I can calm my inner child -> I don’t know how to defend my boundaries in order to the scenario did not repeat itself. Therefore, just in case, I will create a situation where I have everything under control.
So, no frames for children are needed? Of course, they are needed, because the child does not understand his own possibilities and dangers from the outside (he simply does not have this experience and knowledge about the world). In the situation of adult parents, boundaries are set to protect the child and develop his or her personality in a safe space. In the situation of immature parents, boundaries are set to protect themselves.
Is there a way out of the vicious circle? Yes, but any change requires courage, inner strength and consistency. Cognition of oneself is sometimes an unpleasant business, because one has to look not only into the “strong” zones, but also where the energy goes, because of which relationships, projects do not develop, and money flows away. Sometimes it is difficult to just look there and somehow describe. After the process of description, you need the will to change these patterns, even if it doesn't work the first time.
Nevertheless, the reward for the difficult path of self-knowledge is the joy of living every day of life, happiness in relationships, professions and successful children in the future, because from early childhood they were allowed and helped (!) To be themselves.
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