An Ideal Relationship In Love. So Hard To Find And So Scary To Lose

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We all dream of a perfect relationship in love. We are looking for them, we strive for them, like moths to the light. Often we understand, or already know from previous experience that we will be burned, wounded, destroyed, but nothing can stop us.

Love is the highest manifestation of the human soul. Life without love is empty and colorless.

Remember, as in the fairy tale "An Ordinary Miracle": "GLORY TO THE BRAVES, WHO DARE TO LOVE, KNOWING THAT EVERYTHING WILL COME TO AN END. GLORY TO THE INSANE. WHICH LIVE TO THEMSELVES AS IF THEY WERE IMMORTAL."

When we part, it seems to us that the whole world fell apart and nothing good will ever happen to us again, and we will never be happy. But life does not stop, time passes, we come to life and are again ready to feel and again ready to believe and trust.

Why is this second so necessary for us to be happy?

Not only for support, help, the opportunity to share responsibilities. It would be too easy. Any adult can easily live alone. Of course, care and attention is pleasant, but not only it is important.

In a relationship, it is possible to cognize such facets of oneself, one's emotions and one's body that cannot be cognized in any other life circumstances. In the reflection of another, we will see ourselves in a way that we will not see in any mirror. And this is very important, just necessary for growth and development and spiritual improvement. And nothing in the world can replace this alliance of two loving souls.

It can be compared to muscle work. No matter how athletic and trained we are, there is always an activity that involves other muscles and in the morning we feel heaviness and aches in the body.

Here it is the same. In our daily activities, we use, as it seems to us, all our potential. But no.

When we enter a romantic relationship, feelings and emotions that were not previously involved begin to work. And in addition to boundless joy, we begin to experience withdrawal and fear of loss. Because we feel the fullness of life at this very moment.

It was not for nothing that the legend of the division into halves arose. Reuniting with our soul mate, we gain the full range of emotions and fullness of existence.

In my opinion, nothing can replace this state; alternative options simply exist.

This is such a drug that once you know it, you will always remember it.

Drug addicts say that nothing and never can replace the state of euphoria from taking drugs. Here, too, the situation is exactly the same. And the more ideal the relationship was (the stronger the drug), the more difficult it is to deal with the “cancellation”.

Paradoxically, the death of a partner, in a situation where the survivor considers the relationship to be ideal, is easier to experience than a breakup.

There is a natural, understandable biological factor that no one is able to influence. Even in a situation of tragic death, there are external reasons that help to reconcile.

There is a concrete fact of death, the work of experiencing grief, there is a factor of completeness, a ritual of farewell. All the best in a relationship is more easily integrated into consciousness. After a certain time, pleasant memories come to the place of pain and warm and support, as a resource object.

And in a situation of breaking up relations, especially when the partner does not explain the reasons in any way, this turns into a disaster.

I have met people who, after 6, 8, 11 years, still could not come to terms with this loss, and cried in pain as if it were yesterday.

Of course, there are failures in the work of grief, and we know of cases when the survivor, having lived for quite a long time, 20, 30 years, could no longer fall in love and did not create new relationships. But this is most likely a conscious decision - to preserve the memory of a loved one, or an unwillingness to believe that such a relationship is possible again.

Here it is different, the partner did not betray, he did not quit, did not change, he died. And we have no power over death. The ego of the other did not suffer as much as that of the one who was simply left behind.

Why, why, despite the incredible pain experienced after separation, do we strive to love again?

This is how a person should be created, he cannot live without this flight of the soul, drive and all-embracing joy.

What is an ideal relationship? Is it possible to find such?

Someone will say that the ideal in life is not achievable, but, perhaps, will be wrong. The ideal is measured in an individual format, after all.

Nobody looks in books to check if the relationship is really perfect? A person is just good in them and he feels happy, and for him this is the very ideal relationship.

I happen to hear during consultations: “We had an ideal relationship, I don't understand what happened and why he left. We had great sex, we discussed all our problems together, we laughed at the same jokes, etc."

In such a situation, a person cannot understand where the failure occurred and what happened? This is the meaning of the individual idea of an ideal relationship.

If people disagree on the good, they do not want to hurt each other, and the one who leaves will never tell the truth, what in fact did not suit him in the relationship. And most likely, the relationship was ideal only for one of the partners, and the second was simply not ready to voice that he was not satisfied.

Losing a relationship that seems to be perfect is incredibly painful, this is a real tragedy, the collapse of the world.

It is extremely difficult to devalue a partner in such a situation, and this is the most common mechanism for coping with a breakup. And you have to worry to the fullest, suffer and suffer, and sometimes you can't even cope with it on your own and the person resorts to the help of a specialist.

Most often, the left side resorts to self-accusations. A person wonders why, for what? He begins to look for problems in himself, to isolate the slightest errors in behavior, to suffer from the fact that he missed something, did not notice something, somewhere did not feel.

And sometimes there are no apparent reasons for separation.

The one who leaves, at one o'clock, himself does not understand when and why love has cooled down.

It happens that over time, a person simply gets fed up, or gets tired of a relationship, or no longer feels feelings, and the partner suddenly becomes a stranger to him. Sometimes he cannot stand the smell of a partner, although he used to seem so familiar, or he is bored in a relationship, or, on the contrary, has too many emotions.

There are a lot of articles that teach how to maintain a relationship, treat a partner according to certain rules: 7 ways to keep a partner, 5 ways to warm up the bed, 12 ways to do this, 10 ways to do this …

The illusion may arise that we can charm anyone and maintain a relationship with anyone.

As if simple in execution and clear advice, and quite realizable. But these tips do not take into account the individual characteristics of each, these are only average statistical data.

Nobody objects, in some cases these tips work, but not all and not always. There are no universal recipes because we are all different. It is natural for a person to ask questions and find answers, but relationships are such a bottomless abyss, in which more and more questions and less and less answers.

Someone will tell me that if we are talking about satiety in a relationship, then this is an immature person, if he is guided by the outer gloss, then he is also “infantile”, and so on.

But society consists of different people with different personal qualities. By the way, I haven't seen very many mature people. Society is becoming more and more neurotic, and accordingly, the combination of personal qualities is more and more intricate, with many irrational components and complex layers. And the fact that one is an earthly paradise is worse for another than death itself.

And it should be borne in mind that there are many people who will not discuss their feelings and will not voice their discontent, and in principle are not ready to speak under any circumstances.

And there are those who are not in contact with themselves at all, and do not understand what exactly they are not happy with or what annoys them.

Many have an illusion, especially psychotherapists sin with this, that with anyone you can agree or talk, sort things out. Of course, it's great when it's possible, but it's not always possible.

You can only talk to someone who is ready to talk.

And in growth and development, everyone has their own level, and it is not always unlimited. Sometimes a person in therapy reaches a certain level, even if he was initially preparing for serious personal growth, and stops. He's not ready to go any further. This is, in fact, his right.

So in a relationship there is a certain groundwork, and it is not a fact that it can be expanded. And when one partner goes further, and the second does not want to go there - often the relationship ends there.

My supervisor once told me this story

A young married couple received an apartment as a gift from their relatives for the wedding

The wife immediately built a nest, and was ready to make her beloved happy

Every evening, waiting for him from work, she tidied herself up, cooked a wonderful dinner, set a magnificent table with candles

The husband came, they sat down to supper, but he seemed to be unhappy

The wife decided to strengthen the culinary arts and tried to teach herself more carefully, and the husband became darker and darker

It's good that this spouse made contact and admitted that for him rest after work is a woman in a soft robe and dinner in the kitchen. And the image of a spicy wife and a table with candles evokes negative childhood memories of his friend's arrogant mother, who accused him of stealing and humiliated him in front of the whole class

Isn't it very clear? In this example, it can be seen that the wife wanted only the best, but for the husband this best became a painful memory. And if he was not ready to talk about it, then perhaps the relationship collapsed

Sometimes some more or less noticeable, or not noticeable at all, feature of one of the partners can play a cruel joke in a relationship and we will never know about it.

Of course, if both partners are ready to work on maintaining the relationship, most often it is possible to identify difficulties and problems, clarify omissions, and come to a compromise. But this is not always possible.

Often, mindful of a happy life, the partner tries with all his might to return the beloved and is ready to do anything just to renew the relationship.

I've heard this from both men and women.

But you need to understand that the departure of a partner, especially if it is a divorce after long years of living together, is not an accident, and without spitting a spat that can be easily resolved, this is a conscious, serious and balanced decision.

Sometimes a person really doesn't feel anything anymore and cannot be returned by any tricks or promises. Sometimes people lose themselves and their own appearance, trying to please their partner, and still this does not lead to the restoration of the desired relationship.

The lover hopes to return the warmth and joy that were before, but stumbles upon indifference.

And it turns into an obsession, addiction is formed.

The partner feels this fear of the other to lose him, and often, base demons wake up in him and he becomes, for example, a tyrant - a sadist.

There is a film that perfectly illustrates this situation, "Bitter Moon".

Many professionals will tell me that this is natural, since the second partner has a victim complex and unknowingly chose a sadist for the relationship.

Maybe yes, maybe no. There is darkness in each of us, but it will most likely manifest itself in favorable conditions. For example, mold does not live in the Arctic, but it is worth creating special conditions in some place, and it will bloom in lush color.

It is impossible in a relationship to decompose everything according to formulas. And if we take into account the ideal beginning of a relationship, then most likely, the transformation of one has led to the actualization of the negative qualities of the other.

There is only one way out of this situation - to let go.

It is difficult to let go, and it is very painful, but it is worth doing it at least for yourself.

Paradoxically, when we cannot and do not want to let go, we do not preserve love, but destroy ourselves. Life becomes narrowly focused, all forces, emotions and resources are rushed to achieve the desired. And the most annoying thing is that those who do manage to get back in relationship are almost never happy.

They lose themselves in relationships.

For example, they do a lot of operations in order to be like the beloved actress of their beloved spouse, their whole life is subject only to his desires. But if he does not love you the way you are, he will not love you in any other mask.

Relationships should give joy, inspire creativity, ennoble, fill the soul with warmth and light.

And in the case of forced retention, what should lead to growth leads to degradation. And it's scary.

Everyone knows that good bread is healthy, but if it is made from bad flour, or is already moldy, it is unlikely to be useful.

It's the same with relationships. Yes, it was good, but they gave joy. Even if they left, believe me, they gave you a lot.

Identify these gifts, take these wonderful memories with you, all that you learned in the relationship and that they helped you to discover in yourself, and move on.

· It is worth trying not to look for reasons and not try to assess the situation if there are no objective facts for assessment.

· Letting go, experience, burn out, integrate all the best that this relationship gave - this is the only possible way to preserve yourself.

And the day will come when you wake up in the morning and realize that you are ready for a new love.

And perhaps a new relationship will be ideal not only for you, but also for your partner.

I sincerely wish you Love !!! Such love that elevates and gives joy !!!