2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I often face questions: “how to love yourself”, “how to gain self-confidence”, “how to increase low self-esteem”, “how to start appreciating yourself”.
Our self-worth forms an adequate self-esteem, inner confidence, a feeling of self-love. Of course, these are all different concepts, but they are largely intertwined, and often have the same source that influenced them.
Every person has a sense of self-worth. ATTENTION! Everyone has it! However, the ways of feeling and finding it are different. And this is the main secret of how we perceive ourselves.
I see two ways of feeling self-worth:
- The person himself knows about this, he does not need confirmation from the outside.
- Man finds it outside.
Self-worth and the basis for it are laid in early childhood. The decisive factor influencing the development of self-worth is how the love of mom and dad was subjectively perceived. This does not mean that parents somehow raise their children in a wrong way. Through the eyes of a child, many of the instructive reactions of relatives are practically equal to “I am a bad child”, “there is nothing to love me for”. Thus, children begin to feel valuable only when they know for sure that “he is a good boy,” “she is great, makes dad happy,” and so on. This is where we begin to shift our own value to the opinions, judgments and reactions of others.
How can our self-worth depend on others?
- Inability to say no.
- "What will others say / think?"
More often than not, politeness and courtesy are behind this. In this case, we are talking about the desire to please another person, not paying attention to your own inner discomfort. It is easier for a person to take on everything that is asked of him and to endure it than to refuse. In childhood, such people always had to understand the situation of others, pushing their own needs into the background. Of course, the child was praised for this. Therefore, the following connection was developed: I please others, and they love and appreciate me for it. Unconsciously, a person is afraid of being rejected and losing the love and recognition of others. To say “no” = NOT valuable, NOT needed, NOT important and NOT loved.
When we become adults, whose self-worth is “fed” from the outside, we respond to any call that for us is equivalent to “love and accept me”. We save others against our own interests. We plunge into professional activity and are ready to spend our resources and energy as much as possible there. We enter into relationships that require us to constantly “be good, smart”. And at the same time, we are most often unhappy, since we cannot calm down internally.
We need to regain our sense of our own worth. When we are unable to say “no” and are dependent on what others have to say, our self-worth cannot fully manifest itself. What is valuable for one person is not for another. This is a game we will lose. In childhood, we ourselves gave our own value to others, and only we can take it away from them.
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