2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Do you know the situation when you want to share a difficulty with family or friends and you get advice “how to do it”?
Tell me, would you like advice from people who do not really understand the situation and were not in it?
A friend complains to a friend: "Can't you find a job?" What does the girl want in this case? Most likely, to be listened to, stay with her in her difficulty. They noticed that she was trying, supported her.
What does the friend say? “Have you written your resume? "," Did you send to the company? "," Here I have a friend, so she quickly found a high-paying job."
How do you think it helps the one who shares her difficulties?
The answer is obvious - NO.
How does it feel? - Irritation and feelings that they do not understand.
I often looked for housing for rent, asked my friends, maybe they know who is renting out now. The responses I received looked like this:
And you give an ad on the site. - I was angry, what for me this recommendation, I asked her?
I shared that I had found a place to live and heard:
It's expensive you shoot, my friends shoot it for…. (and here the amount sounded 50% lower than the market one).
Why in this area, and not near the metro? - It didn’t help me, I was angry and didn’t talk about it with them anymore.
If I were you, I would look closer to…. (and here is a list by territory). - And I was angry, damn it, you are not in my place! How do you know how it is in my place, how I make decisions? What is important to me!
In difficult situations for me, the feedback was often advice or questions that do not take into account my circumstances. They did not take into account me, what I can, what not, what I want, what I like, how I choose, can I make a choice differently?
There was nothing about me in the feedback. There were just some recommendations that I did not ask for.
It helped me - no!
Restricted communication with these people - yes!
Why do we give advice in situations where it is difficult for someone?
1. Often from their own needs, to be meaningful. What a fine fellow I am, I quickly solved other people's problems without straining too much. "I know how to do it!"
2. Unresolved or postponed their difficulties, which do not want to be solved. The energy of anxiety is redirected to solving other people's problems, advice.
3. This is what our parents and grandmothers did. Soviet upbringing did not take into account the sensory and emotional level of a person. The unspoken motto "You can or can not - you must!" Relationships were regulated by social emotions, shame, and guilt.
4. This can be a pattern of co-dependent relationships (Maybe you need the help of a psychologist, psychotherapist. I am working with this topic in a gestalt approach).
5. Ready-made solutions, advice - this is a way not to experience feelings next to another person, especially if these feelings are complex and are assessed as "negative" (grief, anger, irritation, sadness, anxiety). And there is an idea that one should think "positively".
The need to tell how the world works and how to exist in it is the need of children under 6 years old.
When I give advice, I put another on the level of a child under 6 years old, who does not know how to act in an elementary situation, and needs to be taught. And if the other is a child, then I am an adult, authoritative figure, I get buns in the form of my own importance and a sense of expert power: "I know and now I will tell you to those who do not know." There is energy and confidence in it, so these sensations are pleasant.
How can another be next to such an "authority"? It is often uncomfortable. Discomfort can be expressed in silence (latent aggression) or in resistance and resentment (overt aggression).
What you want to do is move away from such an expert.
When I act as a parent to another, regardless of their age, it leads to the end of the relationship, difficulties or conflicts.
How to behave when you want to give advice while maintaining a relationship:
one. Notice that this is a person over the age of 6. Behave like an adult.
Listen.
2. Ask what he wants from you in this situation?
3. Why does he share this situation with you?
4. Does he need help and what is the need for this help.
5. Give feedback on what you are ready to help or not ready for.
6. Ask about how the person plans to deal with the situation. Maybe now he does not plan to solve it, and it is just important for him to get support.
7. Share your experiences if there were similar situations in your life, and you were at a loss, sad, worried, angry, happy, crying. (For example, “My knees are shaking before interviews, and I'm so scared that I stutter.”)
8. If you haven't had similar situations, be honest. (Example: It's hard for me to imagine how you feel, I have not been in such a situation).
9. Share your experiences that you are sorry, you are sad, you are angry, you are happy, you are confused, you are overwhelmed …
10. If a person needs expert help, and you are not an expert in this area, ask yourself the question, are you ready to be responsible for your recommendations?
11. Think about why you want to help, what your need do you satisfy by helping another or giving advice.
12. Ask yourself questions: What is not happening in your life, that you include advice in the life of another? What situations of your own do you not solve or postpone?
13. You are not another person, what suits you may not suit another. He has different circumstances, different abilities, different desires and needs.
What is advisable not to do
1. Do not rush headlong to solve the situation for another. Without finding out the details and what exactly he needs help. And does he need help?
2. Don't give advice on how to do it. Remember, the person acted in the situation in the best possible way (taking into account the context, people, experiences, opportunities and means). He did the maximum, if something was not taken into account or done, the person simply could not do it in that situation. Forgot, confused, confused, etc.
3. Do not offer to read books that you liked without asking the person, but is he interested in reading about it now? If the answer is no - no need to impose, “but you don’t understand,” and so on. Rather, you do not really understand what is important for a person now.
4. Do not compare with other, more successful acquaintances. You may not really know what motivates your acquaintances to act, how they experience it, who supports and helps them, what funds they spend on it. Comparison with the success of others is an extract from the context, which in a different context (environment, other circumstances) does not work and is not adequate.
5. Do not start a conversation with the phrase "And if I were you, I would do this …"
6. Do not build a conversation in the format of a claim “Why didn't you do this or that …”, “Why didn't you ask?”. Before you is an adult, he made decisions on the basis of something. You can ask how he decided and chose to do this.
7. Do not stop and do not devalue the feelings of another with the words "calm down", "do not be nervous", "do not worry", "this is nonsense." This may be nonsense for you and is not important, but for another it is the scale of the catastrophe.
8. Do not overestimate your expertise, are you an expert in this area so that your recommendation will be listened to? Do you know different approaches to solving situations, do you take into account the circumstances, physical, mental and social capabilities in this situation. For example, listening to the recommendations of a mother with many children can be dangerous, this mother knows how she solved the situation with her children, but she is not a pediatrician, and she cannot take into account all the risks and nuances, especially in your situation.
9. Do not use other people's advice and recommendations without analysis. It might not be safe. For example, eat unwashed fruits if you are given a recommendation in the style of "I have eaten unwashed many times and nothing happened to me."Do you know exactly what will happen to you as well? Your experiment may not be so successful.
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