WHAT WOULD BE IF . WHAT WOULD BE IF I CHANGE YOU? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I WAS MARRIED

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

One of the unique characteristics and abilities of a person is the ability to imagine the future. Not a single animal on Earth has the opportunity to argue on the topic "what would happen if", to mourn still living relatives and friends, to be sad about what happened in the past and about what he is not up to. All this is because a person has a huge memory, for the use of the potential of which evolution has created consciousness. That is, such an operating system that is able to dismember the phenomena of life that have already occurred observed by the individual into separate abstract elements, and then construct them into a whimsical mosaic, where an infinite number of future options can exist.

Hence, another feature of a person arose - the reverse effect on his present of both the past and the future. Animals live in the present, man - in the past and future, what happened and what is to come. The very thought of a person about the past, present or future is material, it is capable of changing the past (at least in history textbooks), and the present and the future. Agree, a paradox: if the thought of the future is capable of changing the future, then the future changes the future, one non-existent makes another non-existent.

It is important to note:

The unfulfilled and the impossible can affect a person's life

almost the same as what has already happened and is still happening.

Hence, in the practice of family psychology, a whole bunch of specifically human conflicts arises.

For example:

If, suddenly, I cheat on you?

The quarreling spouses came to see me. Arkady, civil servant, 35 years old. Larisa, bank employee, 37 years old. The couple had been legally married for seven years, had a son for six years.

Larissa said that about a year ago, when she angrily told her husband the story that her friend was cheated on by her husband, whom she then kicked out of the house in disgrace, take Arkady, and ask your wife: “I wonder how would you would behave if I found out that I am cheating on you too? Have you kicked out of your family and filed for divorce, or would you have forgiven? This question nearly paralyzed the poor woman. She asked her husband why he was asking such a question, if he was cheating on her, in fact. And if so, then he is a rare brute. Who sleeps with another woman, and he himself uses the labors and love of a woman who suspects nothing. Arkady said that the question was asked in the form of a joke and in continuation of the story told to her, he tried to hush up and make amends for this situation. But the genie of a possible future, together with the rat of jealousy, have already managed to break free. From that moment in time, Larisa lost her peace. Proceeding from the “no smoke without fire” approach, she began to study her husband's behavior literally under a microscope. From now on and forever, everything said and done by Arkady began to have a double, and sometimes triple meaning. The husband needs to go on a business trip - perhaps he spends the night with his mistress. The husband stays at work - probably a mistress from the same work collective. I came home from work and ate a little - apparently, someone was feeding. He brought flowers to his wife - maybe the mistress finally taught the right approach to women. I gave perfume on March 8 - for sure, I bought it for my mistress, and bought similar ones for my wife. Not active in sex - it smells like sex on the side. Suddenly he offered something new in bed - one hundred percent, the homewoman taught!

Travel certificates, checks and receipts from other cities, assurances of management and colleagues, immediate picking up of the telephone receiver, regular video communication on Skype - all this did not have a calming effect. The wife was just forming the opinion that there was a universal conspiracy around, with the aim of aiding her husband's betrayal.

Family relationships began to resemble the communication between the United States and the USSR at the height of the Cold War. All the talk is only about the possible betrayal of her husband, attempts to catch on the contradictions in the story, it hurts to prick his pride, to pull up and put in place. The husband, at first tried to endure, then began to respond in the same spirit. Intimate relationships began to fade, by the time they turned to a psychologist, there had been no sex for more than three months. Yes, that sex - even kissing in the family has become unheard of.

The immediate reason for contacting me for help was the ultimatum that Arkady presented to Larisa: either you, immediately, stop poking non-existent betrayal in my face, or I will really get myself a mistress and we will get to divorce. To which Larissa, triumphantly, exclaimed that her husband, thereby, was trying to legalize his own, in fact, already long-standing relationship on the side, accusing, at the same time, of the innocent wife herself. The spouses did not communicate for more than a week, the son began to cry, only concern for the child's psyche made the spouses start looking for ways to get out of the deadlock.

During our conversation, Arkady explained that speaking about his possible betrayal, he just wanted to emphasize to his wife how good he is. Expecting that in response to his words, the wife will say that such an exemplary husband like him will never cheat on his wife. But, as usual, good intentions led to their opposite.

Why didn't I marry Fedor?

Gabriel and his wife Natalya were thirty-two years old. The couple studied at the same faculty of the university, became friends in the second year, and registered a marriage in the fifth. They were married for the tenth year, had two children, eight and two years old. Six months ago, sitting on the couch, the couple saw on the news how one of their classmates, let's call him Fedor, received a high government award. And his position sounded on TV was impressive and suggested a decent income.

It cannot be said that the family of Gabriel and Natalia was poor. On the contrary, the spouses owned two apartments, the husband and wife had a decent salary, the family went to foreign resorts every year. But, just over a year ago, Gabriel, after several months of fulfilling the duties of a retired leader, unfortunately, was not approved for this sweet place: a person who came from a completely different department was appointed there. This sad event was never forgotten. And, apparently, it poisoned the life of both Gabriel and his wife.

And so, already in the evening of that fateful day, lying in the matrimonial bed, take Natalya, and dreamily say aloud: “I wonder what would have happened if I had married Fedor and not you? You remember how he was not indifferent to me and fed me with sweets at every break … I would go now in a silver fox fur coat, ride his company car with a personal driver. Maybe together with him on TV they would show all over the country … Oh, I hastened to make friends with you then! I missed such a guy …”.

According to his wife, she did not want to say anything terrible, she definitely did not plan to offend her husband, she just joked unsuccessfully. But my husband answered one bad joke with another. Gabriel said: “Maybe I too hastened to marry you! I could wait, look around, find one whose parents would be in a serious position, with a position and connections. Then it would be great for me, they would put in a word for me when it was decided about a candidate for the position of the chief. And so I got in touch with you, with a dowry, now in life everywhere I have to punch everything with my forehead myself. Yes, and not everywhere it works, the forehead has already worn out to bloody calluses … what would have happened if I had not married you."

What happened after that, you can guess for yourself. The explosion of emotions was so strong that even the children came running to see what their mom and dad didn’t share. The spouses said so many unpleasant things to each other that they themselves were shocked: how many it turns out that each had complaints against each other. And at the same time, outwardly everything was fine, the couple got along well.

After an offensive conversation for everyone, no one wanted to be the first to put up. Since the wife sincerely believed that she did not say anything like that. Her husband considered that after such a statement of hers, he could no longer believe her. After all, such words, in his opinion, are an internal betrayal of his own husband. After that, cheating in reality is just a matter of time. Hence, it no longer makes sense for him to invest his warmth and care in his wife, because it is quite clear that she does not respect him and regrets that she married him. Therefore, he will not apologize for his own words either.

From this point in time, the relationship in the couple became formal. The husband demonstratively began to sleep alone, on the couch in the hall. Sex is gone, the family budget has ceased to be uniform. The husband and wife began to behave in such a way that each of them began to suspect the other of treason. And apparently, in the future, it became a sad reality. The children did not understand anything, the parents of the spouses were perplexed. It all ended with the fact that the husband first left the family for another woman, filed for divorce, and two weeks later returned to his wife and invited him to visit a family psychologist.

In the course of the conversation, Natalya explained that by her comparison of Gabriel and Fyodor, she simply wanted to indirectly push her husband to great efforts in life, to motivate him to conquer new heights in life.

All these stories are very common in the practice of a family psychologist. What unites them? It is united by the fact that: quite usual for each of the adults, intimate thoughts on the topic “what would be or will be if …”, suddenly, are expressed aloud in a form that is unpleasant and unacceptable for our family halves.

This event comes as a complete surprise to our second half. They turn out to be morally unprepared for this, rashly perceiving empty reasoning for those actions that could or, one day, may become a bitter reality, are very upset.

The very content and essence of the conversation on the topic “what happened or what will be if” is already unprincipled, since this conversation itself is perceived as the presence of a spouse and colossal disappointment in the current family life with the current partner. Which, in turn, is perceived as a personal insult and evokes a reciprocal thought about the years of life spent in vain;

If the spouse who has started a dangerous conversation does not apologize in time and does not turn the conversation into a joke, the offended partner goes over to the counteroffensive and speaks those harshness and barbs that, in fact, may not at all reflect his true attitude towards his family.

If the spouses do not stop in time, as a result of the conversation, even a sincerely loving husband and wife come to the feeling and a far-reaching conclusion that all these years they have been sharing the marital bed, if not with an enemy, then at least with a person, marriage which was a clear mistake.

If no one in a pair can step on their pride and reconcile in spite of everything, the regime of mutual sanctions begins. Most often, we are talking about sexual strikes, evasion of personal communication, a sharp decrease in warmth and emotional care.

The mutual sanctions regime completely cools the relationship in a couple in a few weeks or months of its application. This creates optimal conditions for a positive attitude towards attention from other members of the opposite sex - especially at work or on the Internet.

On the one hand, the beginning of a real or virtual relationship with a “superfluous third” in one of the quarreling spouses, on the one hand, confirms all doubts and negative conclusions about this person from his / her spouse. On the other hand, it finally leads the spouses to the idea of divorce.

After the emergence of a new super quarrel, already because of jealousy or when treason is revealed, it really comes to divorce. This is how fantasies become a sad reality. And from this reality, first of all, the children of these unlucky spouses suffer.

The main psychological basis for all these actions and consequences are:

• - Some disappointment in your partner in family relations, a desire, together with him or at his expense, to achieve a better result in your life: social status - higher, more money, finally complete repairs in the apartment, buy a dacha and a car, go to the sea etc.
• - Conscious or unconscious desire of the spouse / and by the comparison method “what could have been if” or to motivate his family half for noticeably greater efforts in life and improvement of the family's position in society; or make him / her begin to appreciate the existing husband or wife more, in the event that the main success of the family is achieved thanks to the initiator of this conversation.

I will make a reservation right away: there is nothing wrong with the fact that we want to be loved and appreciated more. Equally, there is nothing wrong with wanting to achieve more in life, including forcing our loved ones to be active in this matter. The question here is only in those methods that we wish to apply in order to be more cherished and to try even harder for us, in accordance with each other's ends and means. In the examples I describe, the essence of the problem is that the overlooked goal - to hint to the husband / wife that we are more appreciated and loved - is diametrically opposed to the method used - a blow to the partner's pride by reasoning about possible betrayal or comparison with a more successful person.

The question is, what should clever spouses do in order not to find themselves in such traps, where alternative models of a non-existent future are banging on a quite bearable family present? There are five simple rules to follow:

How to avoid family conflicts on the topic "what if":

It is strictly forbidden, even in the play version, to consider hypothetical situations in which one of the spouses could have other partners in love, intimate or family relationships. Moreover, to discuss possible retaliatory sanctions on the principle of "who will kick out whom, and how the property will be divided." Moreover, to introduce them in response to emptiness, to the absence of visible actions

To punish in the present for the hypothetically possible means to increase the likelihood of just such a future.

1. If one of the spouses does such a stupid thing as a conversation on the topic "what would happen if" with a negative connotation in the assessment of the existing married half, the second partner should be smarter and suggest not developing this topic, since it is desirable that nothing like this ever would not have happened in principle. It is advisable for the spouse who started this conversation to apologize for allowing such tactlessness.
2. You should analyze your own and other people's mistakes of the family past only mentally or alone. Doing this together and out loud almost always leads to quarrels and resentments based on wounded pride.
3. When setting general family or personal life goals for spouses, assessing their family life, it is wrong to compare oneself, the other half, or the situation itself with stories from the lives of those more successful people whom the spouses know personally. Especially with those who, in the past, present or future, could be an alternative second half for someone from this pair. This is almost always taken as an insult.
4. The family life of spouses and their personal achievements should be compared only with those reference families or people who are either virtual (television, from films, books, the Internet, etc.), or are not personal acquaintances of one of the couple. This avoids personal grudge against someone from a married couple.
5. Motivating your other half to increase personal or family success should not be criticized, but only praise. When a person is not scolded for the fact that someone is more successful than he / she, but show those of his positive qualities that are still insufficiently used to achieve a better result.
6. If a spouse wants to be praised and appreciated, it is better to ask your other half for this in the most direct and frank way, rather than use those cunning, mediated and "suggestive" conversations and discussions that can be misunderstood and lead to unplanned deterioration of the relationship.

I am sure you will not find these rules difficult or too burdensome for yourself!

If you need the advice of a psychologist, personal or online consultation, I will be glad to help you.

Family psychologist Andrey Zberovsky.

Like the article "What would happen if … would …"? I look forward to your comments!