Difference Between Violence And Non-violence

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Violence for me is when I do or allow myself to do something that I do not want, which I do not choose.

My will can be suppressed in different ways - by deception (using misleading intellectual constructions), intimidation or unexpected penetration into the intimate area, which leads to a stupor.

I would like to dwell in more detail on the option where violence (penetration into the boundaries of another against his will) occurs (or has its origin) through manipulation. The manipulation itself may not be the beginning of violence at all, but usually it is with these seemingly fearless and ordinary approaches that the most destructive consequences begin.

People in a relationship where there is a lot of violence (manipulation, physical abuse, neglect, deception) usually wonder: "everything was so good at the beginning of the relationship!" However, it never happens that a person who was an angel suddenly becomes a demon. There are always "bells" at the beginning of a contact, which indicate that it is worth being more attentive.

For example, you can hardly expect that the boss you came to for an interview will be delicate and respectful to you if, for example, he is very late without warning, talks dismissively with your future colleagues, or, without being completely interested in you, starts emotionally. pressuring (for example, telling what he thinks is necessary, interrupting you, not listening).

It is unlikely that a man who makes expensive gifts, simultaneously promoting his interests, without being interested in your desires, will be interested in your interests and desires later.

And I don’t mean to say that everyone who tends to trespass is monsters and villains. Often those who have been abused themselves become rapists. This is how the sensitivity to one's own boundaries is overwritten, and, as a consequence, to the boundaries of others.

In this context, almost everything is permeated with violence - wasn’t unnecessary care imposed on you (although in fact this is either a desire to control or an attempt to assert yourself at your expense)?

Have you never been told (or hinted at) how to do the right thing?

Didn't they tell you “you’ll offend me if you don’t eat / drink this”, well, or this hackneyed “you respect me”?

Haven't you done anything like that yourself?

The "rapist" usually always offers at the beginning of a relationship some kind of candy to lure into his territory - to invite him to a game where the rules are not set by you. He can become "good" from your point of view, which would make you feel uncomfortable refusing offers from a "good" person. Like he opens up, substitutes his good side, and then suddenly you find yourself guilty in front of him, because he is in pain this or that (if you do not do what he needs).

It seems to me that these are games that many of us play from one side or the other. Games that are based on such a mechanism as "merge". When the skill of focusing on one's feelings and sensations is blurred by the priority of focusing on the needs of other people, in order to do everything "right", "to be good" from the point of view of the people who are significant to us.

And then there is such a factor as the intensity of events. Often, in order to hear ourselves, we need time and space, as well as an appeal to those deeds and relationships that feed us, in which we return to ourselves.

That is why sects manipulate how to do and think "correctly", give a feeling of exclusivity and superiority (rapists also give such a feeling often at the beginning), the intensity of impressions, where there is no time and place to come to oneself (life springs so such technologies are often used). They also prohibit contact with people who have a different point of view.

That is why it seems important to me to listen carefully to myself on the subject "What do I think about this?"

For the forced penetration into personal space, in addition to pleasant excitement, is always accompanied by an experience of anxiety. Or quiet, calm inner "something is wrong here" or "don't go there", even if the mind screams "ay, how cool! Aw, how cool / cool I feel!"

In general, if we talk about the prevention of violence, then it is important to capture a few points for yourself:

1. Investigate your "badness". That is, to explore in yourself those aspects that significant people assessed as "bad", "unworthy", "impolite". To investigate means not to displace them, not to run away from them, but to notice them in oneself. For when you acknowledge such impulses in yourself, then, first of all, you can control them and choose how to manifest yourself. Secondly, this so-called "badness" can be an excellent advocate. Turning the "bad" sides to those that wants to rip a piece from you is, for my taste, a useful skill. And fairies, who farts only with butterflies, and princes, pooping with a rainbow, cannot protect themselves in any way.

2. Remember that the only thing that never makes mistakes in this world is time. Do not trust your emotional arousal, which appears spontaneously and quickly. Observe the actual actions and developments. Everything is magical, but if you look at the facts, your interests are not considered when you voice them directly? You are promised mountains of gold, but in fact you are investing more of your resources (money, time, effort)? A good reason to slow down yourself and the development of events in order to hear yourself and notice what is happening in earthly reality.

3. Trust your feelings. Violation of boundaries is often accompanied by anxiety, a feeling that everything seems to be fine, but something is wrong. Trust your anxiety. She is your most loyal friend, if you do not begin to devalue her with rationality.

Often rapists try in one way or another to instill in their victims the inadequacy of their anxiety or to shame them for doubts or attempts to slow down.

"Well, why are you so little?"

"If you tell our secret to your mom, you'll be a bad girl. Good girls don't tell anyone secrets." "I haven't slept for three days and three nights because of you! You hurt me! You are cruel if you don't do what I want!"

"I do so much good for you, look. What are you? Can't you do such a little thing for me?"

"Well, you're generally weird / weird."

Well, or the most important thing, when you are in strong feelings, and you are removed or ignored. And it starts to feel like you are doing something bad.

4. The best way to avoid being manipulated is not to be manipulated. That is, not to adjust, not to "bring" the person to what you need, without directly speaking your desires. And these "and you be smarter" that we were taught, or the expectations that are hung on others like "a woman should / a man should" - this is also an excellent ground for manipulation. And for your manipulations, and for manipulating you, respectively.

5. The antonym of violence is respect. Respect is like a correctly chosen distance, at which it is easy to be good about yourself and your partner. If someone becomes "bad", "wrong", as well as "strong", "good", "ideal" and is assessed in any other way in black and white, then this distance is lost. This means that there is already a tendency to violate boundaries. This means that the risk of becoming a rapist or victim is gaining momentum.

Take care of yourself and your "badness", anxiety and "inadequacy". In relation to some people, it is very beneficial to be bad, anxious "from scratch" and inadequate to their expectations.