2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There are some children who matured too early. They grew up because there weren't any reliable adults, parents they could rely on next to them.
Drinking, unpredictable, sometimes drunk, sometimes sober dad.
A mother who left at the age of 5 to sit with her baby brother, and punished if her daughter did not cope well enough with her "motherly" responsibilities.
A dad who could suddenly get furious and beat. An infantile mother, incapable of making decisions, always offended, shifting responsibility for her condition onto the child.
Mom and Dad, violently sorting out the relationship, a very unstable couple.
It doesn't matter what they were. It is important that they were unpredictable and unsafe around them. And when it is not safe, there is a lot of anxiety and helplessness. There is so much that it is impossible to endure these feelings in childhood, especially in loneliness.
And then the child has an ability that helps him survive. He begins to observe the parents very closely, trying to predict their behavior. And not only to predict, but also to influence this behavior. "If I do this, my mother will not swear." "If I do that, Dad will come sober."
This illusory control over others, on the one hand, is very important, because it allows the child's psyche not to collapse completely. The belief that he can somehow control the behavior of his parents helps to cope with despair and helplessness. When hopelessness from what is happening in the family "covers" the head, the way to help yourself is often the hope "I can influence my parents and remake them."
And thanks to these protections for helping to survive in childhood. But the price a person pays is very high.
First, there is a certain "splitting" of the psyche. One part, in which all childhood experiences of helplessness, dependence, anxiety, despair are collected, “freezes”, but the other part grows hypertrophied: a pseudo-adult, controlling, responsible for the whole world. But since it is impossible to freeze some feelings without freezing others, the whole “childish”, feeling part suffers. Such people often look "very mature" or look as if frozen, with some kind of mask on their face. Not infrequently, by the way, this is a “positive” mask.
Secondly, the energy, which in childhood is supposed to be spent on childhood itself, on the knowledge of oneself and the world, turns out to be directed at anxious cognition-scanning of others. A person knows very little about himself and the real world, his deepest convictions remain the same as in childhood. Inside, the childish picture of oneself and the world remains: "The world is unpredictable and unsafe, and I am dependent and helpless in it."
Thirdly, since the child does not know that he is not able to remake his parents, that it is an impossible task to become a parent to his parents, he will take the “failure” in the alteration personally: “I didn’t do it, it’s in me”. And he grows up with the feeling that he is not good enough, that he has tried little, that he cannot cope. He will try again and again, fleeing despair and hopelessness. And again to face the fact that it does not cope. There is a lot of guilt and fatigue from this.
Fourth, since a person already faced excessive unpredictability in childhood, he cannot bear it even more. Therefore, he will choose what is familiar to him. The familiar, even if terrible, is less frightening than the unknown. And such a person will choose (unconsciously, of course) what he is used to in the parental family. This explains why the children of alcoholics often end up in marital relationships with addicted people. A healthier relationship will be unknown to a person, and therefore dangerous.
Fifth, it will be very difficult for him to get rid of excessive attention to other people and excessive control. This is what he learned very well as a child. And this will prevent him from feeling himself in a relationship, taking care of his needs. And it will interfere with other people in relations with him: either they will become infantilized, shift all responsibility for themselves onto the controlling “mother”, or feel a lot of anger and leave such a relationship.
The consequences of growing up too early and taking on unbearable responsibility for correcting parents can be enumerated for a long time. One thing is clear - it's hard to live with them, there is a lot of fatigue.
Psychotherapy with such people is a long process. It can take a long time for a person to realize that by trying to control another, he is running away from his own intolerable feelings. It takes a long time for a person to feel in a sufficiently safe environment to return to those “frozen” feelings of despair, anxiety, and hopelessness. To return, to finally mourn the impossibility of changing something, coping with something. Cry to accept: “I cannot control my parents, I cannot control the world. This is not my responsibility. This is an overwhelming task. Accept this in order to finally highlight your place in the relationship and your responsibility: for yourself and your life. To start living your life, listening to your desires, to your feelings. Live in an unpredictable world and withstand unpredictability. And maybe even start to rejoice and wonder at her.
Recommended:
Runaway Bride. For Those Who Constantly Run Away From Their Desires And Plans
You know, I thought of everything myself! I planned everything out. And to say that I do not want this, but no, I really, really want to !!! This is my desire! I can directly feel how much energy is in me to do this. But! At the penultimate moment, I seem to pull myself out and abruptly start doing something else.
Masaru Ibuka On Early Childhood Development
“From my point of view, the main goal of early development is to prevent unhappy children. The child is given good music to listen to and is not taught to play the violin in order to grow out of him an outstanding musician. He is taught a foreign language not to bring up a brilliant linguist, and not even to prepare him for a "
About Those Who Matured Early. But It Never Grew
There are some children who matured too early. They grew up because there weren't any reliable adults, parents they could rely on next to them. Drinking, unpredictable, sometimes drunk, sometimes sober dad. A mother who left at the age of 5 to sit with her baby brother, and punished if her daughter did not cope well enough with her "
The Girl Who Grew Up Too Early
One of the saddest stories to come across in therapy is the story of a girl who became an adult too early. A girl who had to become a mother for her infantile mother, because she had no other choice, no right to declare her desires. The girl who didn't have a childhood.
Unmourned Childhood Grief And Adulthood
Valya came to me on a cloudy late November day. She herself was like that day. The drooping shoulders, the pale, sad face, in the eyes of melancholy and hopelessness. Thin hands lie limply in my lap. The girl said that for six months she had no strength for anything.
