2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One of the saddest stories to come across in therapy is the story of a girl who became an adult too early. A girl who had to become a mother for her infantile mother, because she had no other choice, no right to declare her desires. The girl who didn't have a childhood.
This happens in families where the mother plays the role of a victim who needs love and support too much - so much that she takes this right from her daughter (instead of giving, she only takes and demands). This is a hunger that a daughter can never satisfy, but will still continue to sacrifice herself on the altar of her own mother's suffering … placing on her fragile child's shoulders the responsibility for someone else's happiness. Becoming her emotional support, unconditional love, best friend or psychotherapist.
The daughter forgets about herself, suppresses her own needs, necessary for development, in order to learn to satisfy the needs of her mother and contain her feelings, i.e. to do what, in fact, a mother should do in relation to her child.
Such a daughter does not receive confirmation of herself as a separate person, as a person, she receives confirmation and approval only as a result of performing a function. For example, pain relief, because the mother expects her daughter to listen to her problems, relieve them, comfort, help fight her own fears, because she is not able to cope with this on her own - she is too weak, vulnerable and not adapted to life … The daughter believes her. Assumes the role of a lifesaver, because this is the only opportunity to gain recognition or approval. She blames herself for her own needs. Acts as an intermediary (between mother and father, mother and grandmother, mother and the outside world).
This reversal of roles is traumatic for the girl and has a lasting effect on her self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth. She thinks that her mother will start taking care of her only if she is very good, very obedient, very strong and will not need anything. But she is always not good enough for this, carrying the message of "mother's love for everyone" into adulthood. Convinced that love, acceptance, approval and support are very limited in this world … and it takes very hard work to earn them. And it's not a fact that you deserve it. By creating and engaging situations that validate this belief.
In relationships with the opposite sex, she will continue to take full responsibility for herself - for the man's problems, his feelings, health … his life. She can continue to play a maternal role for an infantile man, solving his problems, not allowing herself to relax and become vulnerable. It is not uncommon for such a man to lie on the couch or play "dances", providing an opportunity to provide for the family of his daughter, who has matured too early.
As in the relationship with the mother, she will play a strong role. He will be afraid that, like his mother, he can be upset too easily, therefore he hides his truth, his feelings and his fatigue.
She will deny that the relationship with her mother influenced her life, because the infantile mother often accused and shamed her, deeply driving the line: “don't you dare blame your mother!”, Which already now makes you endure and keep silent about your own pain. Pain for which only the mother is responsible. But the girl would rather be tormented by a sense of shame and self-loathing than plead guilty to her mother and allow herself to be angry with her. Because it preserves the illusion of a good mother for her (shaming herself, she thinks that she is receiving maternal care … even so).
In the therapy of maternal trauma, it is very important to admit the guilt of your mother, because otherwise the daughter will constantly think that something is wrong with her, that she is bad or somehow flawed.
It is important to give the mother back responsibility for her pain and stop sacrificing herself in the hope of filling her endless hole. The daughter is unable to fill it - the only thing that can satisfy the mother's pain is the changes that can only happen to herself, on her own initiative.
When the daughter returns to the mother the pain she asked to bear for her, returning a healthy dynamic, where an adult is a mother, not a child, she can finally take full responsibility for working through this trauma, living through the strong feelings, recognize how all this affected her life, learn to defend her boundaries and make new choices that match her inner structure.
And then the strength will appear easily and simply to tell the mother when she tries to habitually manipulate: “I am your daughter, and you are my mother. I am small - and you are an adult. I love you very much, but I cannot heal your wound. And feel your shoulders straighten.
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