2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I CAN SAY NO, CAN YOU?
You know, my dears, for me the ability to say “no” is one of the surest signs of a healthy human psyche. I do not take egoists and “consumers” as an example (they have the other extreme). After all, it is the ability to refuse that speaks of the adequate boundaries of a person. But why can't we say no when we feel like it? What prevents us and how to teach ourselves to refuse people?
WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY NO?
Very simple. This is our protection, armor from those who consciously or unconsciously try to overstep the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to us. Who are these people? Manipulators who seek to get into our lives, dictate their terms to us, deriving benefits for themselves from this and damaging us - our psyche, self-esteem, mood, etc.
There are people who defend their boundaries well, but they enter into the soul of others, “as to their home,” without asking permission. There are also those who respect other people's borders, but they let everyone into their own, indiscriminately, who do not enter other borders, but let everyone into their own who doesn’t get there. The psychological norm is to feel, respect and observe the boundaries of one's own and those of others.
In this article I would like to talk about those who cannot say no. Think, “Yes, this is not a problem at all. It's easy for me to refuse. But these are thoughts. And you try to say “no” when a significant person asks you for something. Here you begin to instinctively nod your head, although you so want to refuse. This is especially true for those who are used to saving everyone, helping everyone, often doing this to their own detriment.
Quite often in the life of such "Mother Teresa" there are egoists and consumers. I will say more, these two polarities pull each other like a magnet! In fact, these meetings are not random, these people are temporary teachers. They teach people that, in the end, they get angry, turn to themselves and their lives, acquire the ability to say "no" to others and "yes" to themselves. True, there can be not one or two such "lessons", but several dozen.
SO WHAT IS STOPPING A PERSON TO SAY "NO"?
1. Low self-esteem (“I do not value my life and myself so much that I’m ready to put my whole self on a silver platter to someone else”).
2. Fear of loneliness, abandonment, rejection, uselessness (“if I refuse someone, they will turn away from me, they will abandon me, I will be left alone, no one will need it”).
3. Fear of abandonment, rejection. Intersects with the second point.
4. The game of correctness, goodness. ("I am correct, good, reliable, and these are all synonyms").
6. Disrespect for oneself. A person does not respect, and sometimes does not even represent his boundaries.
7. Suppression of anger, aggression, hatred in oneself as a continuation of the game of correctness.
8. Feelings of guilt and shame. These are some of the most destructive feelings and the favorite "weak points" of manipulators. To avoid them, a person is ready to go to great lengths.
9. Symbiosis with mom, lack of separation with her.
10. Fear of evaluation ("if I refuse, then they will evaluate me, they say, I am somehow not like that").
In order to avoid these states, we say “yes” to everything and everyone, even if we don’t want something, don’t like it, don’t need it, it is dangerous. These are the most common reasons why we cannot say no. And they are all closely related to each other. As my readers, listeners and clients will remember, all reasons come from the past. And it is with those old traumas and attitudes that you need to work in order to learn to live for yourself, to come to your own unique path, your destiny.
This is a deep transformational process. But I think you can try to practice saying "no" at least alone with yourself. Imagine that there is a person in front of you who is hard for you to say to refuse. Start telling him this, give your reasons, your motivations for refusal. It is advisable to do all this out loud. And often repeat to yourself: "I don't owe anyone anything."Start our exercise with the same phrase.
With respect, Drazhevskaya Irina.
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