Three Kinds Of Guilt. Where Does It Come From In Us?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Three kinds of guilt. Where does it come from in us?

Feeling guilty means holding yourself responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of others

Guilt for what we DO, for what we HAVE, guilt for what we ARE.

Where does it come from in us?

From an early age, children are dependent on how their parents live: their actions, their way of life and stereotypes, their emotions and attitude towards themselves and the people around them. With age, when the child develops analytical thinking, the influence of parents on him becomes less and less. Something he takes on faith, not at all hesitating, but he is already thinking about something and does not agree with it.

At this age, especially up to 6 years old, children are very impressionable and take a lot literally. These parental attitudes are directly recorded in the subconscious, bypassing the phase of comprehension.

Guilt for what we DO

Example.

My father always wanted to graduate from a civil engineering university, become a civil engineer, and design buildings. But the period was then such that after school it was immediately necessary to work, there were few universities, there was devastation after the war, other concerns were more urgent, I never realized my desire.

Since childhood, he told his son how cool it is to design buildings, and after graduating from school, he advised him to go to a civil engineering university.

This turned out to be not to the liking of his son, he studied poorly, wanted to quit, but … “the father dreamed of having an engineer’s son”. The son finished his studies with difficulty, then he would like to move into another sphere, but again - the father, and the diploma is "already there", and now he gets a job in a design institute and designs grain complexes there. But I worked there for only six months, I realized that working in an office, with drawings, without communicating with people, without emotions, with numbers - well, I just can't. I tried it, I couldn't. And he quit. There was a big quarrel with my father. The father did not understand the actions of his son, accused him of "trying so hard for you unlucky, taught, saved money on yourself, and you …"

The son found another job - went to the circus, works with children, travels a lot, life is inconvenient, the salary is small, but he likes it. Relations with his father later more or less improved, but … the son still lives with a sense of guilt for the fact that he does not do what his father wanted. And this feeling of guilt can be unconscious and gradually eat away at a person.

A person begins to struggle with himself - on the one hand, his desires appear, on the other, a sense of guilt. As a result of this struggle, a large amount of strength and energy is wasted. There are no winners in the fight against oneself. He cannot work as an engineer, just as he cannot completely surrender to his beloved work due to a sense of guilt towards his father.

This exhausting struggle will eat away at him until the son accepts that he is responsible for his actions, and that the father himself is responsible for the actions of his father.

For the fact that the father had certain expectations that did not come true - the father is responsible, because these are HIS expectations.

A son is not a father, he is a different person, with his own natural talents, aspirations, interests, desires. And he has the right to listen to his father, but to fulfill all the wishes of his father - he has no obligation. He may well live his life.

The guilt that we HAVE

Example.

The boy and girl grew up in a family where everyone worked hard and hard. Times were hard, we lived in poverty.

Children many hundreds of times have heard such words: “we are poor, but honest”, “we have no car, but we are kind”, “it is a shame to be rich when many are starving”.

He spent his childhood in the post-war years, when the country was in ruin, many enterprises did not work, many grain fields had to be raised anew and there were problems with food in the country, and with property, no one had much money.

But this time has passed - the children have already become adults, have studied at the institutes, got a job, created families, they have children of their own. Now they are 40 and 45 years old.

Everything has changed in the country, for a long time there is enough bread and other products for everyone, enough clothes, many other things have become available.

They are grown up uncle and aunt. The woman works as a teacher at a school, teaches math lessons, she is also a class teacher, and she also has circles. She works a lot, earns little, but life suits her. There is a husband, there are children, living conditions are not very good, but this is not the main thing.

But at the age of 45, a man became a major boss of a successful enterprise and began to earn a lot. So I was able to buy a 4-room apartment for myself and my family, and a good car, and furniture for the apartment. Only now I began to drink much more often. It seems that half of his life strove to occupy a high position, he succeeds in working with people - he has managerial skills, the ability to motivate the team, correctly redistribute responsibilities and copes with the work. But somehow it’s not happy. Some kind of heavy feeling inside. Life is not fun.

And it's all about an unconscious feeling of guilt, guilt before the environment. Subconscious attitudes work. Inside a person, there is a struggle with himself, part of him advocates that he has what he has - financial prosperity, and part of him - a sense of guilt, reproaches him for having good food, clothes, a car, an apartment.

This is the kind of dichotomy that occurs within a person

After all, being rich is a shame. Somewhere people live badly. How can he live well? With some of his friends, he lost contact, the general topics of conversation and understanding of life were gone, some of them developed envy. All this a man experiences in himself and does not realize that the root of these experiences comes from an unconscious feeling of guilt before the environment.

And this can be one of the reasons why a man begins to get drunk, wants to somehow drown out something in his soul that torments him, torments and torments him. Something that he is not aware of. These attitudes sit deep in the subconscious and quietly affect the current life.

In this case, the woman has them in a dormant state - because her financial life is at the level of the majority. A man is active, because an activating factor has appeared to launch them.

And until a man realizes their presence, he will not be able to change these attitudes, imprinted in childhood.

Until he realizes that at that time these attitudes may have been correct, but at this time, when everything is different now, these attitudes are superfluous and harm his life.

After realizing, changing and accepting, there is a release from the feeling of guilt, and the released energy is directed to life, a person becomes more joyful and active.

Guilt for what we ARE

Example.

There was a family - mom, dad and daughter. We lived more or less well.

At some point, there was an everyday discussion of difficulties, the parents were in the kitchen, in the course of conversations - this turned into a quarrel between husband and wife.

Claims were made to each other:

“You don’t help with the housekeeping!

- I work like hell at work for 10 hours a day, another hour there and back. I come at 9 pm, eat, shower, when can I help something?

- You pay me little attention!

- The work is so exhausting. These checks, control from the authorities, these deadlines, dissatisfied customers, issues that need to be urgently addressed, constant running around. I come home so tired that I have no strength for anything.

“But you don’t pay me the attention it deserves even on the weekends!”

- So I'm a living person! I also want to rest. You would try to work at work with a 10 hour working day!

At that time, my daughter was in another room, watching TV, but wanted to go to the toilet, went, heard a loud conversation, ran to the closed kitchen door and began to listen.

There was just the ending, during which my mother, in a strong emotional tension, said:

- “You fucked up my whole life! If not for the child, I would not have married you and then I would not have tolerated all this."

The man in the hearts also answered:

- If it were not for the child, then I would not have gone to such hard work and would not suffer every day with these stupid orders!

The girl burst into tears and ran to her room.

Half an hour later, the parents reconciled, smiled at the fact that somehow emotions were played out. We agreed that the whole family will go for a walk to the park on Saturdays.

And they did not notice that the daughter from that time became very serious, became more sad.

The installation was imprinted in the girl's subconsciousness: "Because of me, mom and dad are unhappy."

Parents for the girl are the closest people, she truly loves them and wants them to live well.

Since then, the girl has become quieter, often plunged into this disturbing sense of guilt.

She never told her parents about this incident and they did not even realize that the child could feel that all the parents' troubles were because of her.

Further, throughout her life with her parents, the girl always reacted sharply to the quarrels of her parents. As a child, she hid in a corner and cried. When I grew up, I tried to reconcile them. And also in life to try to please them as much as possible, so that they are happy. Help with chores, help with the housework.

When she grew up, became a woman, relations with young people did not work out, because she always had thoughts with her parents, always lived their life in the first place, always acutely worried about all the problems that happened in the family of her parents.

At the level of consciousness, she seemed to like to find a worthy man in order to create her own family, but at the level of subconsciousness, she considered herself unworthy of anything like that.

All this was driven by the feeling of GUILT, guilt for the fact that it IS, that it EXISTS.

This led to a lot of consequences:

- She considered herself responsible for all the actions of mom and dad, which had negative consequences. And for everything that bad happens to them.

- She felt obliged to solve all the problems of her parents, not at all reckoning with her own.

“She considered herself unworthy of a happy life. After all, how can she live well when her parents have problems.

This feeling of GUILT is so deep and so strong that it has spread to all life spheres of the now adult woman. It sits in the subconscious and is not realized at the level of reason, logical thinking. If you ask a woman, she will not even remember this case of early childhood. This incident triggered the guilt that rules her entire life.

And in order to become free, and start living, first of all, your own life and already in second place (to the best of your ability, time and energy) - to pay attention to your parents, you need to realize the feeling of guilt, then realize this attitude - which is connected with it and further change the setting to another. For example: the life of parents depends on them, I am responsible only for my own life. And since the subconscious is inert and slowly changing, then with this understanding - you need to live for several months, then the feeling of guilt will gradually go away and life will sparkle with joyful colors and new opportunities.