Caring With A Taste For Violence

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Surely every person at least once faced a manifestation of care, from which he wanted to escape. When you simultaneously feel anger (I don’t want this and didn’t ask for it!), And guilt (she’s trying so hard!) And powerlessness from not understanding what is happening - as if you were driven into a corner.

When you are faced with a choice - to give up care and "offend" a person, or accept it and betray yourself (put on a hat when you are not cold; eat another piece of cake, because "I baked it myself"; silently take a jar of lecho with you, which do not love).

Under the guise of concern, the other compulsively offers to "do good", does not hear you, is not interested in desires, stubbornly pushing and getting his way. As in the joke:

“The family came to the restaurant, the waitress addresses the child:

- What is to you, young man?

- Hamburger and ice cream, - the boy answers.

Here mom intervenes:

- Him a salad and a chicken cutlet, please.

The waitress continues to look at the boy:

- Ice cream with chocolate or caramel?

- Mother Mother! - screams the child, - Aunt thinks I'm real!"

Under the veil of "care", it is true, you feel unreal (my desires are not important, I am not important).

However, a caregiver may even be interested in your desires: "How many potatoes do you need?", hungry, etc.) ". Which can just drive you crazy with your "double bind" (I'm interested in you, but I don't care what you want). When you involuntarily ask yourself the question: “Hey, is everything all right with me? Do I even exist?"

Love, care, tenderness, passion - everything can be violence if it does not rely on the response of another person. For some reason, people often, in a fit of their bright feelings, forget about it. And they put an equal sign: I love, so I have the right to show love in any form and in any quantity. As much as I can. Kissing without asking if it's nice to someone else or is enough. Demand to say a word about love when the other does not want to do so. Carefully pour in the additive when the loved one is already full.

Such "care" is much more subtle and cunningly arranged, it penetrates and hurts much deeper than direct aggression. After all, it is easier to protect yourself from rage, anger and devaluation. And here it is scary to destroy relationships - with parents, loved ones, friends. Scary - because we were all undernourished in childhood with love and are afraid to lose it. Because the other will not understand, take offense, leave, reject, because he is absolutely sure that he is doing good and doing irreparable benefit. And this confidence increases his strength to incredible proportions and removes the shame that accompanies an act of violence in healthy people.

By showing such "care", a person actually takes care of himself (when he is afraid that he will be abandoned and tries to become irreplaceable, when he wants to get something in return, when he thinks another is stupider, more helpless, etc., and therefore imposes his vision of happiness). Such gentle violence is the result of his insecurity or other inner problems. He always expects gratitude and obedience, takes offense if he is ignored, panics if care is not taken. Without even admitting the thought that the other has the right to choose (including the fact that to mistreat oneself).

When faced with this kind of concern, it is important to remember that you are not responsible for the feelings of others. They have the right to feel whatever they want about you, but only they are responsible for how they manage their feelings.

It is important to allow yourself to have boundaries and the right to defend them as you see fit at the moment: to separate your own from someone else's, to set barriers, to be attentive to what is happening in the relationship, to forgive yourself if you did not immediately succeed in taking care of your comfort, etc. …

It is important to remember that real care is always focused on the other and takes into account his interests - when the other and his well-being are important to a person, he hears him, is attentive to his needs and will not demand anything in return. Showing sincere concern, a person finds and gives to another not what he thinks “he needs”, but what corresponds to his nature. As in the parable of the fish and the cigarette:

“One man found a live fish beating helplessly on the shore, and tried to understand what the reason for its such a miserable situation was. It seemed to him that it was very hard for her to lie on the ground. He imagined what would have happened to him if he had been lying on the wet sand for a long time. He took off his scarf, folded a pillow out of it, and put the fish on it. But after standing, he saw that she felt no better, she was already beating agonically, losing her vitality.

Another person passed by, he became interested in what was happening. He came up and asked what was the matter. The man explained to him: "So and so, the fish does not feel well, I put a soft bed on it, but it still feels bad." He says: "Basically, I feel this way, I behave about the same when I have not smoked for at least an hour and a half." He lit a cigarette, lit it, and put the fish in his mouth, wanting to ease its suffering. This made the fish even worse.

The third man, passing by, stopped and saw that there was a fish and was smoking on a folded scarf. Lies, smokes, beats, hits with his tail. This man was wealthy. He knew that money solves all problems. He took out, out of compassion for this fish, a 100 dollar bill and put it under the fin.

Another person passed by, saw three fish standing around, lying on a scarf with a cigarette in his mouth and a 100 dollar bill under his arm, beating in agony with the last of his strength. They looked, and each was perplexed in his own way. Why? After all, they offered the best solutions to help this living creature, but for some reason it did not become easier for him. And only this fourth person just took it, took out a cigarette, returned a 100 dollar bill, a scarf, and released the fish into the water. And they were all surprised how cheerful she is without money, cigarettes and upholstered furniture … How good she feels, just like a fish in water!"