Psychotherapy For Codependent Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

CHAPTER 1

Acquaintance. Clarification of the problem. Awareness of your feelings

One of the warm autumn days, a client came to my appointment - a woman of 25 years old, lives with a man in a civil marriage, no children. The first thing I noticed was that the outwardly beautiful, bright, slender girl gave the impression of a constrained, clumsy, tight-fisted person in her movements, let's call her Tanya.

Tanya's request sounded about a complaint from two significant friends for her that she puts too much pressure on them with her attention, excessive concern, that they have too much of her. Tanya does not understand what is happening to her, why her sincere concern is perceived as excessive, that she cannot give them freedom of action. It is very difficult for her to be in these relationships, she tries to do a lot for them, satisfying their needs, while ignoring her own, not meeting any gratitude for such a donation. Moreover, they openly say that they do not need it at all. In fact, it is hard for her for a long time without their company, but at the same time, as it is unbearable for them from such close contact, she cannot otherwise. Tatyana wants to figure it out and find a way out, because satisfying the needs of others is difficult to realize her own. What should she do?

Listening attentively, I paid attention to emotional, behavioral, bodily manifestations. Tatyana spoke very quickly, practically did not look at me, did not change her body position, was very constrained. The whole story took place on one breath, sometimes it seemed to me that the client was not breathing at all, in any case, I was definitely tense at some points in her story and did not breathe. There was a feeling of Tatiana's detachment, complete immersion in her experiences, sharing them with me as facts, while emotionally moving away from me. I shared my experiences with Tanya, asking her the question, what is happening to her now? What feelings and experiences does she encounter? Judging by the fact that Tanya lowered her gaze and froze, it was evident that she was confused. Some time later, Tatyana said that she did not understand what was happening to her. Tatiana, obviously, was moving away from realizing her feelings. Listening to myself, I caught my reaction to this and how Tanya said, it was accompanied by a feeling of longing, behind him I felt loneliness, which I shared with Tatiana. Her subsequent reaction did not surprise me. Tanya burst into tears, having calmed down a little, admitted, perhaps even more to herself than to me, that these are the feelings that she has been experiencing for quite a long time and perhaps avoids them with the help of excessive concern for others. After a while, he pronounced aloud the feelings of sadness and loneliness, the realization of which caused Tatyana to have rather emotional stormy experiences. Her seemingly frozen body began to show signs of life, smoothness appeared and hand movements became more frequent, her face became more expressive. She said that the saddest thing is that, despite her full dedication to these people in these relationships, she actually feels lonely, she just realized it just now.

CHAPTER 2

Fear of loneliness in codependent relationships

This work is about a client's codependent relationship with people close to her. She tends to perceive other people's needs as her own. Striving to please others in everything, thereby controlling the perception of others around. Tanya's story was filled with unsuccessful attempts to avoid the anxiety associated with the fear of loneliness, which for her is unbearable due to the force of experiences and unconsciously pushes her to "run away" from them into dependence on others, where in close connection one can feel safe. Here, difficulties begin to arise associated with the awareness of their own needs, feelings, the difficulties of realizing oneself in the surrounding world. Thinking about the possible ending of a relationship triggers bouts of anxiety, and the only way to deal with this anxiety is to return to the relationship and increase dependence on the partner. Tatiana, apparently, in fact, is quite painful to deal with the feelings associated with these experiences, as evidenced by her constant evasion of my questions.

Codependents do not test where their boundaries are and where the boundaries of another person begin: they either try to immediately "merge" with another person, or stay away from him, preventing the possibility of self-disclosure. This could be seen in the previous session, when Tatyana kept me at a decent distance from herself and did not allow me to access the sensual side of experiences. And so psychotherapy is often the only experience of establishing relationships with clear boundaries.

CHAPTER 3

"Relationship to yourself and others"

It was important for me for our further psychotherapeutic work and better progress in understanding Tatiana's own interests and needs, to clarify how her own image is formed, how she sees and feels herself. In a codependent relationship, it is difficult to see yourself as separate from the other. In working on the client's complex relationships with her partners, it was obvious that the client was eager to learn and meet their needs. She reads her self-image from their reactions to her behavior and thereby, adjusting to their ideal image in her opinion, so that, as it turned out, they would not be disappointed or lost. It seemed to me that the client spoke about herself in a rather derogatory manner. It was very difficult for Tatyana to give her own description, she turned all the time for my help, it was much easier for her to agree with my idea of her than to describe her own, she was constantly confused, confused, pronouncing one of her qualities, looking for my support and confirmation of the correctness of her words. Tatyana, describing her image, was embarrassed, pronouncing good qualities, and was ashamed of the bad ones in her eyes. I gave her homework, where I offered to describe on paper my positive and negative qualities in her opinion.

At our next meeting, it was evident from everything that this exercise was given to her with difficulty, the only idea of herself was as of a strong-willed, nature, sacrificing her own interests for the sake of others. I wondered where Tatyana got the idea that a woman worthy of attention should have such qualities. In response, I heard a story about Tanya's mother, who possesses all these qualities, about the powerful potential of this woman, to which, in the eyes of the client, there is no limit. According to Tatyana, she herself does not have enough of such qualities and she is ashamed that she could be weaker, she accuses herself that she has moments of cowardice.

It should be noted that, in the course of psychotherapeutic work, the most accessible feeling of codependent clients becomes obvious - this is self-hatred in its various forms: self-flagellation, “self-criticism”. Self-hatred is formed from early relationships with parental figures, the so-called syndrome of "parental alienation", the absence of a warm emotional relationship to the child, the maintenance of the behavior desired by the parents and the harsh suppression of the unwanted. I felt sad, and I asked Tatiana, and if you are different, will you be worthy of attention? Tatiana thought, and tears appeared in her eyes.

From this it is clear that the ideas about a woman, perhaps assimilated in early childhood, the message of the mother to her daughter about strength and masculinity, served as a good basis for Tatiana's stable stereotypes, and a certain idea of a woman worthy of attention. She was very sorry for her mother, Tanya wanted to constantly help her, to work instead of her, thereby taking care of her, giving her rest. Translating, thus, anger into pity. Anger here could serve as a resource for Tanya to restore the border between her mother's needs and her own.

CHAPTER 4

Taking responsibility for changing your patterns of behavior, and your own image

The chronic suppression of their aggressive feelings and actions causes the subject's constant refusal to make decisions to change the situation in such relationships, which leads to the freezing of the subject in a depressive-sacrificial position with hopelessness and hopelessness. I asked Tatiana, if you show yourself, in care and devotion, then the mother, perhaps, will consider you worthy of her attention and praise? Tatiana did not find what to say to me. Only after several meetings had expired, she admitted that such behavior annoys her, she wants to allow herself to be different. But what does she want to be? Indeed, in her experience there is simply no other example of self-treatment. And then it is important to start looking for internal landmarks in the form of sensations, images of desires and fantasies. And when these images are formed into a clear picture, then you can begin to move further towards the appropriation of those.

As it turned out later, Tatiana wants to be less responsible, make rash decisions, think about herself, and not about others, impudent, selfish. What prevents her from being so, she cannot understand. Then I asked, maybe someone is stopping her from being like that? To which there was an answer, my mother interferes, she will not accept me differently. Tatiana admitted that, constantly in need and seeking support and approval, she always met with the alienation of her mother. In the view of the client, the mother, she only wants certain qualities, she does not need another daughter. After a long and painstaking work on Tatyana's awareness of similar situations in her life and taking responsibility for herself, Tatyana stopped speaking derogatory about herself, she gained confidence in herself to be different, with less fear she was ready to experiment with other images.

A codependent person vaguely feels his need - closeness, love, care, it is generally difficult to say anything about feelings. There is no freedom of contact due to the interruption of the contact cycle of experience. The inability to define your feelings, desires, to separate them from the feelings and desires of a partner.

Throughout the work with Tatiana, one can trace the hidden, but strong enough figures of needs. The first figure is obvious - an unmet need for attachment, behind it is an unmet need for security, they can alternately change places, each leaving each other to be more important, but not losing their significance. Without satisfying these needs, it is not possible to freely manipulate the environment and develop.

For Tatyana, this path was not easy enough, but as it turned out, it was very important in gaining oneself and inner freedom, for building close relationships in the future.