2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I fall into the same pit. I was worn out and exhausted and outraged. I am amazed at my own inability to recognize this street and get around this notorious pit. I fall again, I hurt myself and swallowing tears, I am angry with myself at this damn pit and at the one who left it. I want to see, understand and learn to stop in time …
We all carry a certain baggage from childhood. Someone has neatly arranged resources, what will be spent on promotion and development, someone has accumulations chaotically thrown into a suitcase. Only over time, the owner of such an inheritance will begin to find out the suitability of the content: he will refuse something, but will fold something back, appropriate it and call it his own.
It is in childhood that we learn to feel, to appropriate something, to give up something, we learn to treat ourselves and others.
A person goes through the most important stages of development from birth to 3 years. The quality of our future life depends on how these phases are passed. If the mother was warm enough, sensitive, was able to provide the child with care and presence, as the child grew up, supported his independence, then the child gradually gets to know himself, gaining and deepening ideas about his own Self, learns to use his resources, notices and accepts his limitations.
This is the perfect scenario. Life is easy and free for such people. They take into account the opinion of the other, do not lose the ability to hear, but also do not depend on him. The value of relationships for them is in maintaining their individuality next to that of another. In such a relationship, there is an opportunity to take and give, to agree and refuse, to live the whole gamut of feelings, only without the admixture of concentrated shame, guilt and fear.
Life according to a different scenario is significantly different and the point is not at all in drama and despair. It's just that you will have to spend more effort, energy and time on a quality life.
The child is very sensitive to approval, needs unconditional love and acceptance. If the parents could not provide him with the vital importance of being loved the way he is, then the child unconsciously forms an image for which he will be loved and praised. This is how the “false I” is formed for the sake of the environment. Growing up such a person has no idea who he is and what he really wants. He has learned well the "lessons" and "instructions" of the parents, these guidelines support a growing child a little, give an imaginary sense of predictability and security. Such a person becomes dependent on the approval and opinions of others.
How are codependents recognized? These are people, as a rule, with low self-esteem, it seems to them that they do not deserve love, and since they strive for it, they begin to "serve", doing everything possible to be needed. These are typical rescuers, they always have an idea of how everything should be, they are fanatical in the desire to "do good and do justice." This irrepressible desire to be needed and irreplaceable leads to sticking and lack of freedom in relationships. It is very difficult to break off a relationship with a person who does so much good to you, although already from this “goodness” he starts to feel sick.
When people feel sympathy or fall in love, suddenly there is such a desire that your partner guesses your desires with a slight hint, and they take care of you, envelop you with love and attention, or there is a desire to “guess” the desires of another and get pleasure and a feeling of closeness and need from it.
It is only in childhood that the inability to declare one's needs is physiological, and in adulthood, it is imaginary. Such a person chooses manipulation, instead of a direct request, respectively, the partner corresponds and is included in this game. Very often you can hear something like this: “You couldn't guess what I wanted, you are an insensitive, inattentive person and you don’t love me …”
What do you need to do? Some do not need to do anything at all, if they already feel good together and are happy with everything. Now, if one is not satisfied, then … serious and constant work on oneself is ahead. Systemic psychotherapy will help support your efforts and speed up the healing process, but what you should not hope for is the support of your partner and loved ones, most likely they will return you to their usual image. Your recovery will be like a dance: two steps forward, one step back, one step forward two back, and that's fine. Many people remain in codependent relationships, not everyone can do such "tests". Others, in order not to waste time and energy on old relationships, break them and soon build new, unfortunately similar ones, in order to build full-fledged relationships, it is necessary to heal.
Steps to Healing:
Increase knowledge about yourself:
Who am I? What is interesting to myself? How am I against the background of another person? Who am I with another? What do I do to make this relationship live? What do I get in it, what do I give? 2. Learn to listen to yourself, determine your needs and desires. Learn to express requests directly. Refuse to manipulate.
3. Try to avoid being a lifeguard. Allow the other to learn to rely on themselves and their resources, as well as directly ask you for a favor.
4. Avoid passivity, this awakens activity in others, which is not always good.
5. Increase your sensitivity. Feelings are the only marker of the qualitative and quantitative presence of ourselves in our lives.
6. Forgive parents, thereby getting a ticket to adulthood. Stop expecting others to do what you can do for yourself.
7. To be able to discern the Inner Child in oneself and make his childhood dreams come true.
8. Learn to take responsibility for the quality of your life. Only you can provide yourself with what you need.
The path to the other lies only through oneself. If you know yourself enough, you fully trust yourself, then the other person will become more understandable. Then there is the possibility:
· Choose a distance. "There are no good and bad people, there are wrong distances"
· To make a choice between want and do not want. Learn to say "no" when you understand that it is not for your own good, but for the sake of someone.
· Be active and responsible for your own comfort.
And living all this it will become clear that the hole into which I fall again and again has been dug with my own hands. Only I myself will be able to further develop, multiply what has been given to me, I will be able to independently find a way to myself.
We wish you to find a way to yourself, your desires, your happiness. Let your relationship be full of love and respect.
Alekseenko –Strukova Natalia gestalt therapist
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