The Roots Of Codependent Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-18 02:26

Most relationship problems stem from a lack of healthy psychological boundaries. Love is often confused with codependency. “I can’t live without you”, “We are one whole”, “I am you, you are me”, “If you are not there, there will be no me” - under this motto we are presented with love in films, songs, novels. Even fairy tales and classical literary works form from an early age the idea of love as a kind of swing - happiness when the dear is near, and the abyss of suffering into which the hero plunges in moments of disagreement. But if love gives a person a joyful and calm background mood, then codependency is just the opposite - a bright emotional swing from one pole to another.

Relationships can be called codependent, in which the main value and meaning of life is the relationship with a significant person. Such relationships are characterized by emotional, physical or material dependence on a partner, excessive immersion in his life and a desire to keep everything in control. People who are inclined to build codependent relationships are characterized by the following features:

• inability to break off relationships, even if they bring very strong discomfort;
• intolerance of loneliness - a feeling of emptiness alone with oneself, another is necessary for the feeling of "being needed";
• … and at the same time the impossibility of building long-term harmonious relationships;
• anxiety;
• low self-esteem;
• tendency to idealize and devalue;
• an obsessive need to perform certain actions in relation to other people (to patronize, control, suppress, reproach, criticize, accuse, etc.);
• they are not aware of their area of responsibility - either they shift responsibility for their life to someone else, or, conversely, consider themselves responsible for others;
• the need for approval, praise, the dependence of one's self-worth on the opinions of others;
• difficulties with understanding their own and others' boundaries - a person either does not feel his boundaries, merging with others, is not aware of his desires, or, on the contrary, his boundaries are very rigid, he is inclined to ignore the boundaries of others, does not understand what a compromise is (the word “no »For him is tantamount to an insult);
• difficulties with assertive behavior - inclined to suppress their desires and passive aggression, or to overly aggressive defending their interests;
• is more often in the ego state of the Child or Parent than of the Adult.

People with a dependent personality structure, which is formed in early childhood, when the stages of development of the formation of psychological autonomy are violated, are prone to codependent relationships. According to the developmental theory of Margaret Muller, there are 4 such stages, they are interconnected and a violation on each of them leaves an imprint on the next.

Addiction stage or symbiosis (from 0 to 10 months) - the formation of basic trust in peace and security. During this period, the baby is completely dependent on the mother, and it is very important that she is in an emotional connection with the child, feels, differentiates and satisfies his needs - both physiological and emotional. Tactile contact is very important - the baby feels mother's warmth with his skin, hears her voice, and this calms him down. The psychological state and involvement of the mother in emotional contact with the child is very important. during this period they have the same psychological boundaries for two - she very well feels the state and needs of the child, and he feels her mood.

If at this stage the child's needs are frustrated (he cries, but the mother does not approach him), substituted (for example, as soon as the child cries, they try to feed him, ignoring other needs), the mother is emotionally detached or absent, then basic trust in the world is not formed, and in adulthood, a person may be unreasonably afraid of the world around him and any changes in life.

Separation stage and the formation of "object permanence" (from 10 to 36 months) - the main task of this period is the gradual separation and knowledge of the world based on parents. When passing this stage, it is important to give the child the opportunity to move freely in a safe space and explore the world around him. The father becomes an important figure, encouraging research. It is important for parents to observe the golden mean - to give freedom, but to be near in a situation when their help is needed (the baby fell, hit, cries). During this period, the child develops the concept of "object constancy" - "good" parent and "bad" merge into one image - parents can be good, even when they are not around, the child understands that they will return, they have not abandoned him.

If at this stage the parents did not give freedom, overly patronized the child, then in adulthood he will have an excessive need for freedom, which he will win back. In every question he can see an attempt to control, an encroachment on his freedom. If the parents were not reliable support, the adult may avoid close relationships for fear of rejection. If the constancy of the object has not been formed, a person will be prone to idealization and devaluation, to swing into polar states from "everything is fine" to "everything is terrible", in a relationship it will be difficult for him to withstand normal periods of approach and distance - the possible options for him are merging or rupture …

Independence stage (from 3 to 6 years) - zoom in and out. At this stage, the child learns to make a choice, he can already act independently, but also in connection with his parents. At this stage, it is important that he feels respect, recognition of his personality, he should have the right to choose. It is important for parents not to compare the baby with their peers, to separate the child's actions from his personality - he must understand that having committed a bad deed, he continues to be good, loved, that while scolding him for his deed, the parents continue to love him. During this period, the child forms a single image of himself - good, despite the mistakes.

If at this stage the parents suppressed, did not give the opportunity to choose, in adulthood it will be difficult to differentiate their desires and needs. There will be a need for someone to lead, indicate what and how to do. If the image of a “good” self has not been formed, then an adult will not give himself the right to make a mistake, his assessment of himself will depend on external factors.

The stage of interdependence (6-12 years old) - at this stage, the child practices the ability to move closer, move away, be alone and be with another. With the successful passage of the previous stages, a person feels comfortable both in a relationship and in loneliness. He learns to find a compromise between his desires and the desires of others.

With a dysfunctional passage of the first stage, a person will be inclined to codependent behavior - does not feel his own boundaries, is not aware of his feelings, desires, goals, the desire of a significant other in the first place. Attachment, relationships are needed for safety and feeling alive, whole. Not able to break off relations, even if they only bring suffering, because loneliness is simply unbearable for him. Outside of relationships, he does not feel the fullness and meaning of life, therefore he tries to be comfortable, necessary. The reason for his mood is always different, therefore he is inclined to sacrifice his own interests in order to avoid conflicts. High tolerance to discomfort, low sensitivity to pain. He is inclined to blame himself for the problems of other people, he often apologizes, even if he is not guilty.

In case of violations in the second stage, the person will be prone to counterdependent behavior - his boundaries are too rigid, he is inclined to ignore the boundaries of another, or to break them. There is no compromise for him - there is his opinion, and there is a wrong one. In a relationship, he is inclined to the position "either in my opinion or in any way." Can't stand criticism. The otherness of others causes aggression. Tries to control everything. He believes that he knows best what the other needs. Low tolerance to discomfort, high sensitivity to pain. He tends to blame others for his problems, it is difficult to admit his mistake and apologize.

In case of violations at the third stage, a person can move from one pole to another. He wants freedom, but at the same time needs nourishment from the outside.

Most often, a relationship is formed with a codependent who is at the other pole - the codependent and the counterdependent attract each other as a plus and a minus.

Often people deny that they have problems, believing that if their partner changes, then their relationship will become happy and harmonious. Therefore, the first step towards changing the existing situation is to admit that you have a problem and look for a solution.

At the beginning of psychotherapy, codependents often talk not about themselves, but about their partner, his feelings, motives, and it takes a lot of effort to find the reasons for his behavior. At the same time, it is very difficult for the client to talk about himself, his feelings, goals, plans. Therefore, the initial stage of therapy is to restore the client's sensitivity to himself. And in the future, this is the process of "growing" the deficit of self-sufficiency and integrity of the individual, the formation of new, more constructive ways of interacting with the world.

Everyone knows that it is easier to prevent than to fix. It is important to know and understand the mechanism of the formation of disorders in childhood in order to consciously help children in mastering the tasks corresponding to each stage, and thereby contribute to the formation of healthy boundaries of the child's personality and his ability to build harmonious relationships.