How To Break Free From The Captivity Of Codependent Relationships?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Codependency is a need for another person and a characteristic of one's well-being through an attitude towards us. For example: "I cannot live without him", "I miss you", "I will die if he does not return."

People often talk about their emotional needs. In fact, these very needs are too often dramatized. All we critically need is water, air, food, warmth, and occasionally a friendly hug. Everything else is desires.

Let's go deeper

We create reality around us by deciding what to pay attention to. If you are hungry, then you will come across shops, if you cannot have a child, then you will see babies around. This selective attention is especially acute in relation to loved ones.

Your habits determine what to notice, what to feel, and what to hear. If there is an emotional hole inside, then subconsciously a person will strive to fill it. The easiest way to do this is with the help of another person. This is the trap of the stereotype that salvation comes through something outside of ourselves. If you get sick, you need to take medicine. And even though the medicine is often bitter and unpleasant, it relieves pain and alleviates suffering. In human relationships, a magic pill has the characteristics of a "placebo effect": we ourselves endow other people with superpowers, super-significance, and we believe in it.

There is codependency

Everything that you focus on begins to grow and grow. We do what we do because we enjoy it. External actions are performed for internal purposes. Nobody taught us to love ourselves, listen to our desires, so we are looking for love in the outside world. Surely you often heard phrases in childhood like: "You want a lot, you get little", "He rolled his lip", "A fool grows rich in thought."

Codependency occurs in relation to spouses, parents and children, work colleagues, etc. This is a ubiquitous phenomenon, a surrogate for love, attachments that have nothing to do with true love.

How to recognize a codependent bond?

If you, being in a relationship, constantly expect something from a partner and are tuned in to consumption, not to give, then this is a clear sign of codependency. And often it is disguised as sacrifice. For example, a wife who has surrounded her husband with overprotection and who thinks that she sacrifices all of herself to the family actually expects that her husband will feel great gratitude on this occasion and will never leave her.

Or the example of parents who enroll their beloved child in all sorts of sections and take them to tutors and say that all this is for the good of the child, in fact they want to look like such correct parents in the eyes of those around them, feeling pride in their "product of upbringing." Maybe this is not bad, but when the child is not interested in all this leapfrog with learning and development, then we can confidently say that we are talking about parental ambitions.

Why does codependency arise?

• Ignorance of the meaning of one's life and, as a result, violation of the value system.
• The presence of such a relationship in the family of parents.
• Moral attitudes and traditions of society.
• Feelings of pity.
• A sense of ownership.

Analyze your relationship. Take a piece of paper and make a list:

• "What makes me happy in this relationship?"
• "What is more in them: contribution or consumption?"

Honestly. How honest you are with yourself depends on how sober you look at your relationship. You cannot improve anything until you acknowledge that what is now is not working or is leading you in the wrong direction.

What if you find codependency in your relationship?

• Adjust your value system … It is a mistake to give all of yourself to another person as a sacrifice, forgetting about other areas of life. Children, spouses, colleagues, parents are only part of your interests, but not everything in the world. You must have your own personal territory, hobbies, hobbies, desires, etc. Otherwise, then there will be a classic: "I have the best years for you, and you …" Live your life! No one has ever told us about the correct system of values: in the first place you yourself, in the second - your partner, in third place - children, fourth place belongs to family and friends, in fifth - work and creativity, in sixth - everything else.
• Develop and improve … It is a mistake to stop developing, learning new things, and improving yourself. Our world is constantly changing, and if you stopped, then there will be those who will be ahead of you. You need to be interesting to others, and the best way for this is to always learn new things, live with interest, etc. What does not grow and develop - that dies.
• Create your personal space … It is a mistake to bind a person, depriving him of his personal space and hanging his expectations on him. Each person must develop, and everything else is forced. You need to have some freedom and live your life, not just relationships. A person is interested in the life of others when there is nothing interesting in his life. A fulfilled and happy person vibrates with the energy of abundance and love. A person with inner emptiness and without personal space vibrates on low-frequency vibrations and energies of scarcity. The quieter a person is on the inside, the clearer it is on the outside. Learn to hear yourself, rejoice at loneliness, in the end, only one person will not betray you and in whose actions you can be 100% sure - you yourself.

Every action that we perform in this world is aimed at creating inner balance. We want to feel beauty on the inside and look for it on the outside. We want to feel peace, so we strive to build a peaceful world. When you realize that all you need to constantly work on is yourself, then you will begin to feel at ease with life's ups and downs.

I would like to end the article with a quote from the book by Robert Kiyosaki: “I am reminded of a story about a guy sitting with wood in his hands. on a cold, frosty night, who shouts at the big stove: "When you give me a little warmth, then I will put some firewood in you." When it comes to money, love, happiness, trade deals and contacts, all you need to remember is to give first what you want to receive, and a hundred times more will come back to you …"

With faith in you, Tatiana Sarapina