It Is Difficult To Carry Soul Relationships Throughout Life, And Not Role-playing

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Family in crisis

Generally speaking, the main psychological problem that couples come with can be formulated as follows: "It's bad together, but it's scary to part, it seems that if you run away, it will be even worse." People want to be helped to learn how to live together - more interesting, more fun, safer. And an eventful reason for consultation can be anything, ranging from problems with a drop in sexual desire or disagreements in the strategy of raising children to betrayal and drunkenness. Deep problems in marital communication appear at the "weak link" - money, sexual interaction, children, and so on. Today, different people, representatives of different social strata, with different levels of income, different-sex and same-sex couples, those who have been married for a long time, and those who have just faced the reality of family life, turn for help.

The institution of the family as a whole is now going through a deep crisis, everywhere, not only in Russia. On the one hand, the family becomes a meaningless business (this is no longer a matter of survival), and on the other hand, we now live much longer than before, when people lived together for 20 years and then died. And it is very difficult to carry through the whole life a spiritual relationship, and not a role relationship.

It's more natural for us not to understand than to understand

The main problem in family life is communication problems. Each person lives in his own reality, people do not understand each other well if they do not try. It is more natural for us not to understand than to understand. People are afraid to discuss some things, because they are afraid that in the end they will not find out anything, but they will get something unpleasant - shouting, rudeness, insult, humiliation. It seems to many that it is easier to remain silent. But family life is at least two people, and if the family does not have the opportunity to talk openly, negotiate, come to common solutions, then the problem is very difficult to solve.

It happens that we bring into communication patterns of behavior from a previous life, from the family relationships of our parents, which seem natural and the only possible to us. And that can be a problem. For example, in one family, the parents fought loudly, while in another family they stopped talking. Can you imagine what happens when two such "children" are paired? Those who are accustomed not to talk distance themselves, and those who are accustomed to scandals shout. The one who distances himself is even more frightened by the scream, and the one who yells continues to rage. But both distancing and screaming are only signs of personal discomfort and suffering, not a desire to leave.

If people trust each other, then they agree on which of them emits a signal and who receives it. If I am responsible for understanding, then I check how my partner understood me. If his answer is incomprehensible to me, then without fear I clarify what is the reason for the misunderstanding. And I know for sure that I will receive sincere answers to my questions.

On a deep level of communication, neither gender nor age matters

I am convinced that on a deep level of communication, neither gender nor age matters. Despite the physiological differences between men and women, psychological gender is a socially constructed thing. Gender stereotypes, like any other, limit our options. In my opinion, it is more therapeutic and environmentally friendly when people in relationships do not rely on social roles and the social expectations behind them.

In our society, the difference between male and female roles in the family (and not only in the family) is created by social expectations. In Russia, they are inscribed in the patriarchal model of society: a man must earn money, and a woman must be responsible for the emotional atmosphere in the family and for raising children. Therefore, we do not require a woman to earn much, but we demand from a man. In my opinion, in today's situation, these attitudes are rather inadequate than adequate, since in certain areas it is easier and easier for women to earn a lot. I know families where a woman earns many times more than a man. Recently, I consulted a family where the husband did not know for a long time how much his wife earned - she did not tell him, because she believed that it would hurt him.

Although there are still zones in which there are few women - the army, the FSB, firefighters, officials. And the higher the rank of an official, the more likely it will be a man - this is required by the patriarchal model of our society, which is broadcast at the state level.

How to start building a normal relationship

First of all, you need to talk to each other. If one conversation doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. Talk over and over again, sweetly, tearfully, dancing, whatever you like - it's important to talk. With their communicative poverty, it is especially important for men to learn to speak in a family. I always recommend to my clients the film by Pedro Almodovar “Talk to her”, where the hero brought a woman in a coma back to life by talking.

Second, you need to observe when you feel good together and recreate those situations. I like to eat together - there should be delicious food. It's good to watch a movie together - do not refuse if one offers. I have clients with a child who work so hard that they only sleep at home. And then I see them, and they are completely happy. What happened? The three of us spent the whole day, there was an unplanned day off, and this is happiness. Repeat what gives joy and comfort, do not be lazy.

And third, feel free to accept help. In this regard, the woman is a little easier, her ancestors were in a dependent position for much longer, and she learned to accept help. Yes, and society expects a woman to worry more about her family than a man. But in my experience, if a man did not want a divorce, and the woman left him, he experiences it much more difficult, more painful and longer.

Domestic violence

Domestic violence is not always perceived as “real” violence. A drunken husband does not let his wife sleep because he wants to talk - is this violence? If a woman agrees to have sex, if only the husband does not get angry - is this violence? Or are we ready to admit violence only if the husband, in a semi-delirious state, grabbed the knife?

The scale of the spread of this phenomenon makes it to some extent the norm for many women. Due to the fact that the values of a good life are not formed, it seems to women that their life is normal, because it does not differ much from the life of their friends and neighbors. They tolerate, because there is no understanding that one must live well, live badly - this is not normal. The low value of a good family life is becoming a cultural norm. With all the slogans and calls for the preservation of family values, our society is not ready to see a demonstration of love and normal family relations at a high level. The only head of our state who demonstrated his affection for his wife is Mikhail Gorbachev. But the whole country laughed at him, Raisa Maksimovna was not loved, although, looking at them, it was obvious that this was a loving couple.

The state does not take any systemic actions: there are no shelters for people subjected to violence, there is no punishment for these rapists, the police often do not come to family fights, because it is believed that anything can happen in the family. We know how to calmly relate to suffering. We have someone else's suffering - not an argument.

How to change this situation

What should be done to change the attitude towards this problem in society? To be honest, I don't know. And in each specific family it is necessary to destroy the tolerance to violence, to the bad, to give people the inner confidence that they have the right to a better life. The trauma is compounded by silence.

There is a rule for dealing with violence: if you are afraid of everyone, there must be at least one person you can trust.

Knock on doors, don't hide your troubles.

Source: www.hse.ru/news/community/143306892.html Photo by Mikhail Dmitriev