Svetlana Royz: If A Child Is Not At The Head Of The School, It Is Unsafe For Him There

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Video: Svetlana Royz: If A Child Is Not At The Head Of The School, It Is Unsafe For Him There

Video: Svetlana Royz: If A Child Is Not At The Head Of The School, It Is Unsafe For Him There
Video: Светлана Ройз: 4встреча клуба "Человек Интересный" 2024, March
Svetlana Royz: If A Child Is Not At The Head Of The School, It Is Unsafe For Him There
Svetlana Royz: If A Child Is Not At The Head Of The School, It Is Unsafe For Him There
Anonim

Source: life.pravda.com.ua

An interview with Svetlana is a deep rethinking of ideas about the upbringing and educational process, an awareness of mistakes, answers even to unasked questions. It's like suddenly seeing a whole picture from the previously scattered puzzles

The first part of the conversation is about the responsibility of the school and parents, about the choice of school, about grades

And also that it is necessary to prepare a child for school practically from birth - but not in an intellectual sense

PERFECT SCHOOLS DO NOT EXIST

- Now many parents are dissatisfied with the school, children simply do not like to study. If a child is uncomfortable, not interested in school, how can a parent understand when to work with a child, adapt him, go to a psychologist with him, and when to change a teacher or school?

- The school theme is fashionable now, and there is a lot of manipulation in any fashionable topic.

There are two tendencies - blaming the parents or blaming the school. Point 1 - no one is to blame. There are simply things that can and should be corrected.

If I discard responsibility only to the school, this is a mistake. If I take full responsibility only on myself, this is also a mistake. Each structure does what it can do at the moment. This postulate is important. Otherwise, we are in the role of a child who says: "All fools."

Some responsibility lies with the parents, some with the school, some with the social environment. But the parents bear 80% of the responsibility.

There are no ideal schools because children are different. At one time, when choosing a training system for my son, I did not find a system in which absolutely all the facets were observed.

Even in the wonderful Waldorf system, there are things that are not enough for the adequate development of the child.

It turns out that we supplement any school with our own life. And here is the question: do I have something to supplement, do I have a resource inside me for this?

Am I in contact with the child to understand what he needs?

If a child goes to the most unfavorable school, but he has a sense of the fullness of the family, an "oxytocin pillow" - then he will perceive any school difficulties more easily than a child who does not have such a "pillow".

What is Oxytocin?

It is a hormone of intimacy, tenderness, a hormone that creates a sense of security in the world, no matter where the child is.

Often, parents transfer the feeling of their school life to their child. And when we immediately transfer a feeling of tension and fear to him, we wedge it into the child's program.

But when a parent asks himself the question: "Maybe there is something wrong with the school?" - Yes, you need to go to school, you need to stand at the door, listen to what is happening there, you need to observe the change in the child's behavior.

And not so much about what the child says - but about whether his eating behavior changes, how he sleeps, whether he complains about bad dreams, how he draws (but it’s not even the color that matters, but what themes appear in the drawing), whether he begins to reject the toys or games that he has been playing.

There are also seasonal difficulties. Now all children are very tired, they often have a nasolabial triangle.

If the parent sees a manifested nasolabial triangle, from the nose to the chin, this indicates that the nervous system is now in tension.

And the appearance of the nasolabial triangle suggests that any load - psychological, emotional, intellectual - will now be excessive, and the child will break down.

And he will fail either in failure, or in some kind of emotional leaps, or he is simply preparing for an illness, right now his body is fighting the virus.

This is the time when it’s not up to school at all.

This is the time when you need to open the windows, go for a walk, write a note to the teacher that we will not go to school today.

- Then let's take turns examining what depends on the school and what depends on the family. What should you look for when choosing a school?

- The first is, of course, reviews about the school, but reviews from real living people. If there is no security at the school, you can walk along the corridors and see if the children are alive or they are marching in formation.

The most important thing is that the child does not lose the sparkle in his eyes. Because if we see burned out children, then they are scared.

So, we still need to look.

Ideally, when they just choose or change a school, so that the child himself walks along its corridors. It is important whether the child's body is accepted by the school.

If he comes to school and says "it stinks here", if the smell of the school does not suit the child, then he will feel uncomfortable in it. Of course, if he has to go to this school all the time, he will get used to it over time, but it will be violence.

The smells of the garden, for example, are remembered by many adults.

The second is when they get to know the teacher, to check how the child perceives his voice and psychotype.

We cannot change the teacher, but we can hint to him, for example, that the child is not used to loud voices.

And the child must be told that people are different, and this person speaks loudly not because he is angry, but because he needs everyone to perceive the information.

Then we teach the child to use the toilet, show which toilet is at school. Because if a child is afraid to go to the school toilet (and they are different), then he will endure the whole school day, and he will not have time to study.

You also need to take care of whether there is water in the school, and whether there is, especially for first-graders, where to roll around.

There should be a rug in the classroom.

You can also pay attention to the color of the board. Children with a dominant left brain are more likely to perceive dark board and white chalk, while children with a dominant left brain are more receptive to white board and black marker. This, by the way, can be corrected - to make two boards in the school by the parents' committee.

The next factor is the number of children in the class.

For sensitive children, a class of more than 15 people (at least at first) will be a big burden. This means that everything possible should be done so that the child's brain, at least after school, can rest. Such a child after school can be either more active or neurotic, or completely tired. And this is the time when it is better to remove the load from other circles and everything else.

Ideal if the school has few homework assignments. Because it has already been proven that homework does not affect the assimilation of the material and does not affect the success of the child. On the contrary, the more homework assignments, the less desire the child has to go to school.

Yes, the program is now overloaded, sometimes the teachers do not have time to go through everything in the lesson. But if a child does not have the opportunity to "breathe out" at home, if the child's whole life turns into a school, then he may cry because he lacks freedom, his personal territory.

How do adults "carve out" their personal territory for themselves? They get sick, they start drinking or go to social networks.

And what is the opportunity for children? They go into games or get sick too, or they just have tantrums.

The child must have some kind of territory outside the school. Up to the point that you can negotiate with the teacher to skip some days in order to catch your breath.

- If the parents have a choice, does it make sense to take the child somewhere far away to a private or alternative school, or can they be sent to the nearest school under the house?

- If we see that the child is safe at school, that he is comfortable there, if the teacher is in the zone of authority, if the child is interested (and for us the alarm signal is the loss of interest), then it is better to let him spend less time on the road and sleep more …

But there are schools with a certain bias. And if the child likes it there, he can get up earlier and drive further for this.

It is important to remember that when we choose a particular educational system for a child, we must proceed from the potential of that particular child.

- Are there any schools you would not recommend going to?

- I have a negative rating of schools in Kiev, which I do not announce to anyone, but when clients come to me and say: "We want to send a child to such and such a school," I ask you to think many, many times.

This rating was created over many years of practice from the number of clients' requests from these schools. And these are not just some intrapersonal aspects - this is what is caused by school neuroses.

If a school is focused on success, on ratings, then the attention is not paid to the child, there is a number at the head.

And if the child is not at the head, it is unsafe for him there.

Modern children do not allow themselves to be mechanisms - neither in the family, nor in school, nor in society. They are different, with them it is already so impossible.

And in Kiev there are a lot of such schools that are in the anti-rating. At the same time, more and more schools appear in which children are comfortable.

But again, flirting often occurs. One extreme is a rigid system, and the other is schools with full democracy, where there is no teacher's authority.

This situation can be compared to how a person first restrains emotions, and then begins to throw them out all at once - the pendulum swung in the other direction. Then he will come to balance, but this takes some time.

Unfortunately, this generation of children falls under an educational experiment.

A CHILD CAN MAKE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE ONLY AFTER 14 YEARS OLD

- It turns out that too much freedom is also bad?

- We must remember that up to the age of 14, the inner core of a child grows stronger.

These are the features of psychophysiology. Until this age, in most cases, children need external support - a daily schedule, a well-built nutrition system, a lesson schedule, but which is modeled taking into account the biorhythms of the child himself, a school uniform.

- Do you think that the form is needed?

- It is desirable that she was. But the attitude towards the school uniform should be introduced in a different way. Now it is being introduced as a restriction, and initially the school uniform means belonging to a certain class, to a certain group.

The word "we" is a word that provides important support. But in order for the school uniform to be accepted by the child himself, he must be proud of what he belongs to. This is also a matter of authority.

School uniforms should be comfortable and modern. It does not even have to be a standard uniform, it can be some kind of badge or beret, any distinctive detail that could give the child the feeling of "we are a gang".

This is what we see in Western college movies proudly wearing sweaters and so on.

- Should the child be able to choose the subjects he wants to study? If so, at what age?

- This is a very important question. The fact is that only after the age of 14 does a child form such a basic number of neural connections that allows him to make his conscious choice. Until then, we give him the opportunity to try different things.

I believe that in elementary school there should be a set of basic knowledge. Then, from the 5th grade, general specialization can go, but not on the basis of Eysenck's test, but on a more multifaceted approach. And there the child would choose different electives for himself.

And then, after 14 years, when there is a couple of years left before graduation, this may already be a specialization.

- What do you mean by a more multifaceted approach?

- Eysenck's standard test scans only linguistic and symbolic intelligence, IQ - and a person is very versatile.

Howard Gardner put forward the theory of multiple intelligences.

According to her, we have a logical and mathematical intellect (the outstanding representative is Isaac Newton), verbal and linguistic (William Shakespeare), spatially mechanical (Michelangelo), musical (Mozart), bodily-kinesthetic (athletes or sculptors), interpersonal and social (Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi), intrapersonal intelligence (Victor Frankl, Mother Teresa).

Now imagine that we are growing up a person with a genius manifestation of intrapersonal intelligence.

By the end of the second quarter of first grade, he will know that he is an idiot by school standards.

The task of parents is to observe their child, while preparing him for school, to say: "You can be different."

But this does not mean that we are developing only one type of intelligence; we need to develop different facets.

- Do you have any ideas how the school could reveal these different sides in children?

- Until the teachers themselves have revealed the versatility of their potential, it is difficult to implement.

Probably, over time we will come to this. At a minimum, the school should have different circles and activities, and not just sharpening the ability to read and count.

And you need to evaluate a child not from the position of one type of intelligence and one type of temperament.

Because modern education is aimed at extroverted children who are quick to engage in information and provide quick feedback.

In general, the system should be aimed at the formation of the personality, and not at the memorization of information.

Ideally, when the school teaches the child to use the information.

The task is not to keep everything in mind, but to make the child feel that this knowledge I can find right there, this knowledge is right there, and I can apply it.

What do I like about project camps, project schools? The fact that knowledge remains in memory only if it is fixed by action.

And the difference between the modern generation is that they do not do what they do not consider useful for themselves, to which there is no answer "why?"

This also applies to home, completely household, and global things.

I TOLD MY SON: "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR STATES HAVE"

- What do you think about school grades?

- The first thing to pay attention to is that, unfortunately, our assessment affects self-esteem.

When a child receives, for example, a C in other educational systems, in other countries, he does not cease to feel good. In our culture, if a child gets bad grades, he becomes bad a priori.

- And in other countries it does not?

- No. Because the focus is not on assessment, but on personality. You remain initially a bright creature that has different facets.

Our classic grade is if you make 6 mistakes in the text, you get 6 points. What if the child started with 20 mistakes, and to make 6 mistakes, he put in a huge amount of effort?

And comparing him with a child who was initially successful in this, because it fell into his leading type of intelligence - is it really inadequate for either one or the other?

Of course, it would be nice if teachers were personalized and provided less standardization. Evaluation is an individual assessment of the child's own investments, his efforts, diligence.

It is also desirable that teachers first pay attention to what the child has already acquired.

There is a rule called praise zero.

For example, a child is writing something. A teacher or parent might say, "This is awful, rewrite it."

What then does the child feel? "Whatever I do, it will still be bad."

A perfectionist child will gather courage, will try to the detriment of rest, and will get sick in a week.

And the second child will generally say: "I will not do this. I do not feel the result."

The child must rely on the result. Physiologically speaking, he should receive dopamine reinforcement, pleasure in achievement.

You can say: "This wand turned out wonderfully for you!" - and say really sincerely. In any line there is always something that turned out great.

- It is similar to the "green pen method", when instead of underlining errors in red, green highlights what turned out perfect.

- A wonderful method. It looks like him. It is necessary, at least, to start with what is good, and then show what needs to be worked on.

And in the grading system, it is important that when the teacher gives the grade, the child has a sense of fairness.

Because children react aggressively to assessments, or even stop paying attention to them if they think that this assessment is unfair.

It is also important for children to feel that what they are doing is important. I remember how my son burned out for grades, when in elementary school, perhaps mistakenly, I suggested to him that a lot should be invested in each of his actions. And every task he had was creative, we came up with something.

And then he said: "Mom, why? They don't even check, they don't even pay attention." This is a rule - if the teacher has set homework, he must check it.

I told my son right away, and he always knows it: “I don't care what your grades are. Of course, I am glad when these grades are high, but they do not reflect you for me. It is important for me that you keep your interest. I do not require you to be a 12-point success in all subjects. There are things that just have to stay with you as a general idea, and in some you will go deeper."

Here the question is, on whose side the parent is - on the side of the child or on the side of the system. Until the system is formed for the child, the parent must be on the side of the child.

In general, assessment is the hardest part of not only school life. Because we are confronted with an assessment all the time: Facebook likes are also an assessment.

Unfortunately, we have grown up addicted to approval and encouragement. Because if my inner support is not formed and is not stable, then instead of my own fullness I try to put an opinion about myself there.

Do you know when this fullness is formed?

Up to 4 years old, up to a maximum of 7, in preschool time. And if a child becomes dependent on assessments, it means that until the age of 7 he did not have the opportunity to strengthen in his maturity, in integrity.

IF WE FORCE SOME SKILLS OTHERS SUFFER

- How can you help a child to form this wholeness before school?

- First of all, you need to understand that each age has its own tasks.

From birth to 2 years of age, a child forms a physical developmental contour. At this stage, everything that concerns his physical body is important and relevant for the child. He sniffs, gropes. And he forms self-esteem based on the attitude towards his needs.

From 2 to 4 - the personal development circuit, this is the maturity of the "I". At this time, "I", "mine" appears, "no" appears in the child's life. And the time when it is better to go to kindergarten is closer to 4 years. Because when the "I" has matured, the child is ready for the "we".

From 4 to 7 years of age, an interpersonal developmental contour is formed. And from the age of 7, the child goes into the social development circuit, that is, to school.

You need to understand that some functions in a child appear when his brain is ready for this. And if we force some skills, others suffer.

If, instead of forming the child's body contour until two years old, crawling and sniffing with him, his parents taught him letters and numbers, then at the age of 7, when he goes to school and faces a new load, the first thing that will not stand is this bodily step. And he will start to hurt.

Or the parents decided: "We have an only child in the family, we can afford a nanny, he will not go to kindergarten."

Namely, the only children who are not used to a large number of people nearby, who are not used to tactile contact at all, need a kindergarten more than anyone else.

- That is, you are in favor of kindergartens, but it is better not to give to a nursery?

- Each family has its own characteristics, there is no norm. If the child is safe in the nursery, and when the mother comes, he sees an adequate mother who gives him intimacy and tenderness - then this is better than an inadequate, anxious mother at home.

But in general, kindergarten is important for most children. Development courses and circles are few. When a child is in kindergarten, he sees how children eat together, how children go to the toilet together, he learns a completely new interaction.

If this does not happen, then when he goes to school, he will have to fill that interpersonal circuit instead of studying.

- And this could be one of the reasons that he is uncomfortable at school?

- Yes. Please note that "I" is formed up to 4 years old. If the child did not initially receive a sense of his uniqueness, his potential, his own task, then he will be crushed "we": he will become either very obedient, or, conversely, always opposing.

If a child is understaffed on a certain step, the parents will say that this is a bad school. But in fact, from any moment, from any age, we can complete it, it just takes more time for something.

And at every age there is a focus of authority.

Up to 2 years old, this is a mom, from 2 to 4 - mom and dad, from 4 years old there is a transition to other adults, for example, to a kindergarten teacher, but also mom and dad. From the age of 7, this is already more of a teacher than parents.

And then the question arises - how will the parent survive?

Because even when a child goes to kindergarten, a parent can develop so much jealousy that he will start butting with the authority of the teacher. And if the parent butts with the authority of the teacher, then he devalues the teacher. Will the child learn from this teacher?..

- So when you have a child, you don't need to criticize the teacher?

- You can't criticize. You can't talk bad about school. If there are questions, they are discussed behind closed doors. Either good or nothing about the school.

But at the same time, the child should know that if something destructive happens, if the child complains, the parent will not say: "Go solve your problems yourself."

The child should always know that at any stage the parent is his advocate. He should know that at home the child will be responsible for everything, but for the world a parent is always the personification of security.

- You are talking about not speeding up the child's intellectual development. And if he himself is drawn to this? For example, he sees how his mother reads a book and says: "Tell me, what are these letters" or asks him to study with him?

- There is a big question here. This is now often shouted by neuropsychologists. For a child, attention is important in any case. And the child will do everything possible for the mother to be present with him entirely.

If my dad or mom is completely present with me not at the moment when I ask to play, but only when I read or study, then I will stimulate any action that guarantees their presence to me, up to doing homework for 10 hours in a row.

But this is not a question of the child's intelligence - it is a question of the parent's presence nearby.

- How then to determine whether a child is ready for school or not?

- The first sign is a change of teeth. If at least a few teeth have changed, this means that the child's body is ready to withstand the new load.

One of the signs is the appearance of a whisper in speech, "secrets", this indicates the appearance of inner speech.

Another sign is the ability to jump on one leg.

It is also the ability to step over the stairs. A child who is not ready for school puts his foot against the step, and when he is ready, moves it over the step. This speaks of the consistency of the parts of the brain.

Or when a child, saying hello, takes off his thumb. And children who are not ready for school, if they have not been taught to shake hands, greet them with a pressed thumb.

The thumb symbolizes "I" - I am ready to distinguish myself in society, not to fall apart under the influence of society.

- Doesn't a child know how to jump on one leg or step over steps before school?

- He can start everything earlier, you need to look at the totality of these signs.

In general, now all these stages often pass earlier. Children in a crisis of three years are about two years old. Everything starts earlier for them, and we do not have time to prepare for this.

Now adolescence begins at the age of 9. In modern girls, menstruation can begin at the age of 9, in boys, wet dreams begin earlier. This is their feature.

- Are the stages that you named - taking into account this acceleration or not?

- These are average rates. Maybe a little earlier.

But it's better to go to school by the age of 7, because certain parts of the brain mature by that time. At least those who are responsible for holding in one position and for non-play perception of the world.

Up to 7 years old the child plays. If he goes to school at the age of 6, then school turns into a game for him. And the game is "according to my rules": I want - I get up, I want - I eat, I want - I sing.

Only after 7 years can he perceive it as part of the system.

THE CHALLENGE OF A TEENAGER IS TO DEPRESS WHAT WAS IMPORTANT

- We talked about age stages before school and in primary school. And what happens then, in adolescence?

- There is an interesting nuance here. In adolescence, the intellectual load on a child is many times greater - there are more objects, they are more complicated. And adolescence is exactly the time when the neocortex is the most unused part of the brain.

During this time, the parts of the brain that are responsible for pleasure and perception of danger are active. Any teenager is in a more anxious state, he has surges of emotions. Fear, aggression - this is all related to the structures of the brain.

During this time, stress inhibits the part of the brain, the hippocampus, which is responsible for long-term memory. Therefore, they can sit for hours over a textbook and not memorize information. And you need to memorize more and more.

If we speak in the language of physiology, at this moment they have a zinc deficiency. When zinc is deficient, the hippocampus does not work. If they were given any supplements or products containing zinc, it would be easier for them. Or if instructors took a little longer to put them in a safe state.

And adolescence is also a time of shifting authority. To whom is the focus of authority shifting at this time?

- To classmates?

- Yes. Not just classmates, but a group of alpha males or alpha females. And he completely leaves the teacher.

And the task of adolescence is to move away from mom as much as possible. And who are our teachers?

- Women.

- And they fall under the projection. And not only is the child's brain unable to cope with the load at all, but also the projection of the mother, who demands something - and I come home, and the mother becomes a continuation of the school.

If the topics of family life revolve only around what happened at school, homework and "why are you such a slob?" - then the parent ceases to be different from the teacher.

And then the child does not have a safe environment, his brain and nervous system cannot rest.

Adolescence is already the age of guilt, the age of tremendous fear in almost all children. And happy are those children who grow up with their parents who understand this and do not aggravate the feeling of guilt.

The task of a child in adolescence is to devalue parents, devalue what was important to them. If up to that moment study was important, then favorite subjects are devalued. This is a pattern.

This is not because "something is happening to the child." For some reason, many teachers forget about this or do not know, and they react to it personally.

I was touched by the teachers at my son’s school, who approached his parents and said: “Just don’t scold him, you can see that he is a teenager. Maybe he is in love now, or maybe he has hormonal surges now.”

- There are such teachers …

- Yes, and there are more and more of them. But these are the teachers who have the meaning of life not only in teaching, and those parents who have the meaning of life not only in children.

I had a very interesting job with one generally ingenious teacher.

But children and parents complained that this teacher yells in the classroom, humiliates children. When I talked to her, she says: "What are you? I put my life into this subject!"

And investing your life in something is very dangerous, because then a person has more requirements. If I put my life into you, you owe me.

Likewise, when a parent has nothing in life except the child's success - the child will either try to match this and it will grow into perfectionism, which is actually a diagnosis, neurosis - or such a child will resist and demonstrate failure with amazing intelligence and abilities.

HOME LEARNING CAN BE RUNNING

- Now many are transferring their children to home schooling, the number of homeschoolers is growing every year. Is this a kind of escape from reality or is it really the best solution for a child?

- Here it is important to answer the question of why parents choose distance learning for their child.

If a child leaves for home schooling because he has not developed a relationship with the teacher or with the class, this is flight.

If the parents have the meaning of life in the child, then sometimes it is beneficial for them that the child was homeschooled, because this is an excuse for being busy.

And also, if the parent is very anxious, then it is beneficial for him that the child is there. Or if you take your child far away to some school, it is beneficial for him to be at home.

Homeschoolers' tutors tell us that many of them are not social children who initially leave contacts, say, into the virtual world.

So this is not about the fact that the child does not fit into the system - but about the fact that it is important to pull the child out of addiction and teach him to function in society. We will not be able to create such aquarium conditions for him before retirement.

But there are options when a child needs distance learning - when the child's potential really goes far beyond the school curriculum, parents are aware of this, and they have enough resources to provide him with social contacts with other children and learning.

Indeed, there are many children who, having become homeschoolers, became more alive and wanted to learn. For me, this is more important than all the certificates at the end of the school year.

Some homeschooling groups are very good when children not only study the general education program together, but also engage in other activities. They do not go to school, but they study in a group in a comfortable atmosphere, on the floor, in pillows.

But just a dance club in the evening is not enough.

- What is more important for a child in general - an individual training program or to do everything together, amicably, with the whole class?

- What an important, completely "unanswered" question!..

There is always a balance "I - we". If a person is faced with the choice "either me or us", it is a failure.

It is important that a balance is maintained at all times: focus on the child's personal trajectory and, at the same time, on interpersonal communication.

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