Punishment By Silence

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Still, it would "help" ….. What, apart from physical pain, can be more unbearable than moral pain when your own, warm and cozy parent looks right through you ?? You are not! You are dead! No, I'm not exaggerating, this is exactly the feeling that settles inside the little "criminal" who violated the family charter and ran into "I'm not talking to you!" from dad or mom, and sometimes from both parents together. It no longer exists, it does not exist. The neglected child is deprived of parental support. The parent reflects the child's feelings, the child looks in this reflection, as in a mirror, and suddenly only emptiness appears in the mirror. No reflection, no me.

And he is also deprived of protection. No attention - I am defenseless in front of the world.

Yes, next time he will think over and over again whether to do or not, so as not to run into this wall of cold silence again.

Let's look at the reasons for the misconduct that happened. No child is born with the intent to harm their family. Usually a misconduct is an experiment or an outburst of emotion. If a child does something wrong once, then a boycott will in no way help him not to repeat mistakes. Even if, after a period of silence, the parent communicates again, the child is so excited by this circumstance that it is difficult for him to perceive speech. If the offense is repeated many times, then this is a sure sign that something is happening in the family, the child is a weather vane, it is worth thinking about what happened in family relations in general.

They do not talk to the child in order to show their position of dissatisfaction, maybe resentment, to point out his guilt. Many people call it: "Let him think about his behavior."

He thinks, reproaching himself many times that he did something that cannot be returned back, and acquiring the fear of being wrong. Or seething with anger, because he does not think that the punishment was just, and they do not want to listen to him. And he also acquires a number of life lessons that will unconsciously torment him for many years. Now he knows that there is no reliable parental figure in life. A kind and supportive parent can instantly become cold, alienated, "quit". The parental image can also be perceived as weak, unreliable in the future. When real disaster strikes, the child will not come and be saved.

Abandoned, trampled is the same pain as from a blow. This means that in life one must always be good, otherwise they will leave, because only so they are ready to accept him. You don't have to be yourself, you have to be good to others. This is a powerful internal conflict: you want to be yourself, but it's dangerous. It is difficult to predict where this conflict will lead.

He will remember the sensation when the parent looks through him. Yes, a powerful tool that helps … Helps to make at least a neurotic, but rather a borderline patient for the analyst's office. What is the borderline patient? In very simple terms, this is the one who cannot combine the image of himself and the images of significant others, each person is split in half for him and at each moment of time he perceives his loved one differently: either very good or very bad, completely forgetting about his second representation. In addition, a person with borderline mental functioning has problems with expressing emotions and building relationships: he wants and does not want to be close. And it's very hard for him. Any words spoken nearby, he perceives as spoken in a negative way and addressed to him. He will repeatedly build and destroy relationships, get confused and suffer a lot.

Italian passions with smashing dishes are a very childish solution to issues, I do not call for it, but it is less traumatic than intelligent silence. And less sadistic. In the first case, everyone shouted on equal terms, especially if everyone argued for himself. In the second case, the child was in an ice hell, deprived of support and approval.

He learns to behave well, but this training consists in the ability to put on the mask of a good boy / girl, hiding emotions, in fear of telling the truth. And such patterns will remain. And I would like to expect completely different behavior from an already grown man or woman. In therapy, situations with "non-speaking parents" emerge in such phobias as fear of being attacked from behind, falling something on the head and other incidents that suddenly and sharply cause pain. Note, this is the fear of physical sharp pain and destruction, although they just did not talk to the child.

Children react differently to not being spoken to. A child who is more confident in loved ones will resist, try to speak, cry, draw or write notes to mom or dad and slip them under the door, may continue to be rude or commit a new offense - he is fighting for attention, as he is scared, but he still believes in reliable object, he is even ready to receive a series of screams, if only attention, if only not the feeling of his absence. When a child shrinks, hides his eyes, calms down, tries not to be seen, resigns himself to punishment, he experiences wild torment. And he's already traumatized.

Especially inventive parents wait for the child to ask for forgiveness. And they may not immediately forgive. The desire to apologize is a voluntary act, when it is squeezed through the threat of alienation, it is humiliating, especially dishonest when a child came to ask for forgiveness, but he was not forgiven.

To convey the importance of a misconduct to a child, you need to talk to him. Not enough strength, they broke into a scream, barked … It happens that we are all human. If the scream is not outrageous (is that something you can control?), Then this is just a minor problem compared to beatings or silence. It is important to stay with your child when he is wrong, whipping or ignoring turns you into a stranger, deprives the child of confidence, makes you hide emotions and actions, makes you seem good even when you really need to be a little bad, and even this is really necessary sometimes … next to it, it's so simple. And it's so hard. Parents themselves sometimes find it difficult to understand and convey what they feel. Not talking is also to hide your confusion and inability to cope with your child. No need for assurances that everything is fine, no forced smiles. Nearby is emotional openness, you are angry, but you are available for contact, you are still the same, even though you are angry. And then talk and discuss, listen, answer, and not read lectures. The child learns by looking at you, support him in different situations. And be there when he's wrong. How will he become himself if he does not allow himself to try and make mistakes? Well, the parents themselves can sometimes be wrong, how can we go without it? The ability to admit your mistakes is much clearer than forgiveness, forced through silence.

A short summary.

So, yes, the punishment by silence works great: the parent gets an obedient child, and after years we are patients in the office. Will you continue?