Perfectionism As A Slow And Brutal Way To Commit Suicide

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Perfectionism as a slow and brutal way to commit suicide

How often do we hear from others or / and say to ourselves: "Everything should be right!" And the other one is better. What is it better for me or me than for him?”Well, and as a consequence:“What will people say?”.

A perfectionist is an eternal evaluator and interpreter, a person who compares himself to others. He lives in constant tension in order to be always correct and good. He does not allow himself to "go off the rails" of the correctness and beauty of behavior. But the trouble is that not only the perfectionist treats himself this way, but also everyone who surrounds him. He will not allow himself to deviate from the correctness, nor to another.

A perfectionist is essentially a person with a narcissistic character structure, narcissistically traumatized in the process of development by significant others. He tried to be comfortable and beneficial for those whom he loved and loves, he became so insensitive to his needs that he forgot that he is, and he will never become someone else, although he always wants to be better than he is. … But what he does all the time, comparing himself to other people - he is giving up himself. Comparing himself with various "standards" and losing to them or even winning, he tries not to be himself in this comparison. Moreover, he chose "standards" completely subjectively, it could be anyone. But most often they are successful, rich, beautiful people.

Comparison is an attempt to be different, not yourself. He just once upon a time, trying to be better than he is for his loved ones and trying not to lose their love, to deserve it, forever abandoned himself. In essence, he hates himself, so he always tries to be better, more perfect than he is. And his main feelings are shame that I am still not perfect enough and fear that someone will see my imperfection and envy, constant burning envy of those other standards that turned out to be better than him. And he always looks at himself as if not with his own eyes, but with the eyes of others, from the side. And such a person is always puzzled by the result of his action much more than by the process. Sometimes from a good result, he gets such pleasure, almost comparable to orgasm, and from a bad result (bad in his opinion), he gets frustration akin to death. Process and creativity in this case become impossible. Since dancing the dance, he is already thinking about the result to which he will come, about the last beautiful step, while singing the song, he thinks not about the joy of creativity, but about the last note: "If only it sounded beautifully!" And this is an unreal tension that kills the creative process.

It is unrealistically difficult to live and build relationships with such a person, because the requirements that he makes to himself, he also makes to those who are in close proximity with him

The suffering of such a person also lies in the fact that he is so afraid of failure that he may even stop himself halfway so as not to survive an imaginary collapse and defeat, he may not even take a step forward at all, and thus he kills life in himself and transforms his existence in stagnation.

A perfectionist can start doing something, but in his picture of the future there is no room for error, and how often do we see such people who give up what they started because they are sure that they will not succeed. They don't settle for little. They seem to want to do the editing and jump from the bottom step to the last stellar step, but they do not agree to go through the path of mistakes and trial, because on the way there is a risk of discovering their imperfection and insignificance. But those who manage to get through the pain of failure can be so stubborn in achieving heights, status, success and wealth that, like stubborn, with blood-wounded foreheads and feet, knock to exhaustion on locked doors, walk on glass clenching his teeth through thorns to the stars. And this half of the perfectionists are more successful in achieving success, but they also subject themselves to incredible torments on the way to social success - which is vital for them.

Yes, perfectionists have the greatest chance of being successful.… But they are so vulnerable to the slightest failure that they can execute themselves from the inside for the smallest blunder. It seems to me that creativity is impossible with such wild tension and commitment to structure, rules, instructions and protocols. Creativity dies where there is limitation. The perfectionist at some point becomes a machine devoid of feelings and emotions. And his whole focus is to live right. He is passionate about evaluating and devaluing himself and others, and he cannot even imagine that there are people who live without evaluating and that pictures can hang in their houses, there can be a mess on the table, they can cry in the middle of the street if they suddenly feel sad, they can be spontaneous and imperfect.. But such people are subject to strict condemnation of the perfectionist.

Why did this happen to him? Psychoanalyst J. Stephen Jones describes this character structure very vividly and calls such a child "Used." By whom? Of course the parents. These are the first people in his life who tried to train him like a circus monkey and sharpen him for correctness, convenience and perfection. They made the child their narcissistic continuation: “You are obliged to achieve in your life those successes that I did not achieve. If you do not meet my expectations, I will deprive you of my love! " And the love of such a parent lies only in pride in the achievements and in those high standards taken by the child that the parent has set for him. In its simplest form, it is love for evaluations, love for washed dishes, for good (comfortable for a parent) behavior. The child has to spend all his life trying to prove to the parent that he is worthy of his love. But how difficult is it to prove when a child brings 11 from school in mathematics, and the parent instead of praise says: "Why not 12?" Over and over again, the child feels bad and inadequate, feeling ashamed of being so imperfect. This is how a passion for excellence is born in him, in pursuit of which he can lose a lot, and most importantly, himself.

When such a person turns to a psychologist, the first thing he discovers that he is not, there is only a lifelong race for success and proof to himself and significant others that he is good.

How can you help here?

1. I suggest to such people to start the path (process) of parting with the “Perfect image of themselves”, to give themselves the right to make mistakes.
2. Look at the mistake as a useful experience that develops, teaches something.
3. Try to surrender to the creative process without thinking about the result.. Of course, this is the path of very long and painstaking work in psychotherapy, in which the client discovers not only his imperfection, but also the imperfection of the therapist - and this is the second part, when he sees that the therapist is alive a person, not a guru, gives him the right to become a living imperfect person himself.
4. It is very important here to move from the pattern of assessment and depreciation to questions and requests. Any devaluation of yourself and others can be rephrased as a request or a question. If you start to devalue yourself, ask yourself the question: "Why am I so with myself, what gives me such cruelty towards myself (others)?" Or “What am I dissatisfied with now? Can I now ask myself or someone else for something? " In general, harmful patterns should be gradually replaced with healthy ones. Learn to track and stop them.
5. Trying to accept the fact that you did not come into this world in order to meet the expectations of others, however, others do not have to meet your expectations - this is the most difficult place in working with perfectionism (narcissism).