2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Have you met people for whom, in any situation - whether difficult, or unpleasant, or accidental - the most important thing was to find the culprit?
Have you noticed that such people have more disappointments than joys, more claims to life, betrayals, unfulfilled hopes, "injustices" than other such mortals? They are very attentive to the affairs of others, but in the end they themselves are the losers.
To be honest, close interaction with these persons is not pleasant. In public they are most often "cute", but in everyday life they are stably obsessively persecuting, obsessively controlling and nagging. Ready to attack and defend for no reason or excuse.
The child has a deuce - necessary find the culprit! The cat got sick - necessary find the culprit, difficulties at work, conflict in the family, default in the state - you need to find the culprit. Not to solve the problem, but to find the culprit!
Guilt
If there are no guilty ones, they are appointed.
Conscience usually torments not those who are to blame. Erich Maria Remarque
Most likely in early childhood, most likely by parents and or other significant figures for educational purposes, the child was taught and proved that he was “guilty”. It is my fault that I got drunk, that I don’t want to finish eating, I don’t want to play with my brother, I made two mistakes in three words, etc. etc. For ease and maneuverability of control, the feeling of guilt is just implanted. And with guilt "as a gift" comes a feeling of weakness and failure. Then take such a person by the hand and lead him wherever you want, mold him what you want, manage as you want.
The feeling of guilt imputed to the child forms his personal position "I'm not ok" those. "I'm not ok, and others (adults) are ok" or "I'm not ok and others are not ok either." He grows with her, partly gets used to, adapts and … waits for when he grows up …
… He grows up and oops! Every time, when something needs to be decided, helped or corrected (that is, to take adequate responsibility), instead, he looks for someone to blame and accuses with prosecutorial professionalism.
We noticed, as if there was a castling, as if it was the other way around “I'm ok, but you're not ok”. “Children get sick because you didn’t finish watching”, “there is not enough money because you spend a lot”, “we do not live together because you argue with me all the time”.
Ostensibly. In fact, this is a facade behind which the learned childish "I am not ok" is hidden. In fact, they are just zealously defending themselves. Because they are afraid to be guilty again.
The best defense is attack ?
Perhaps these people think that this is a good way to "divert suspicion from themselves", because from childhood they are accustomed to being guilty.
Perhaps they believe that whoever blames first wins (this is exactly what their parents did).
Perhaps it is in this way that they imagine how to overcome difficulties and solve life problems (because this is how they are used to - just looking for and finding someone to blame and not actually solving anything).
Responsibility
Responsibility is a test of human courage. Horatio Nelson
Have you ever wondered that guilt is the antagonist of responsibility? A person in a sense of guilt is as weak as ever, feels incapable and helpless. And he simply is not able to sensibly define and accept his share of responsibility, assess the situation and decide what constructive steps to take.
In order to be able to work on mistakes, analyze correct / incorrect behavior, grow, develop, grow smarter and become a truly adult, you need to feel strength, resource, OKness in yourself.
A healthy sense of responsibility appears and develops when a person has the energy of love, support, faith in him or her close significant people. Then the person trusts himself, feels OK, and this helps to accept his imperfection. And in case of a mistake, he does not seek to "disown", but sincerely tries to correct it, next time to make it more literate, kinder, faster, more accurate, etc.
Who is to blame, oh, i.e. responsible?
It is parents who are taught to take responsibility and keep the blows of fate. They support when mistakes happen, inspire to achieve goals.
Unfortunately, it happens that it is adults who have problems with responsibility and instill a sense of guilt in children. The responsibility that lies with them is thrown onto the children. And the child cannot adequately bear the adult burden of responsibility and cope with the problems of adults. Even if he tries, he strains, it doesn't work, he becomes disappointed in himself and remains in a sense of guilt and inferiority. And what about responsibility? And she scares him. He doesn't believe he can handle it.
Case of life. Recently my son and I skated on the Roledrom. There, someone constantly overtakes someone, someone cuts someone off, someone falls, gets up, drives on, etc. etc. As, in fact, in life. Children fall more often because they learn, less experience of maneuvering, less awareness of responsibility. One girl has fallen, is holding her hand and is about to cry. Naturally, I drove up, helped to get up and brought me to my mother. After some time, the mother of this girl called me and with an angry claim “woman, you generally stare where you eat and who you run into” tried to accuse me. Meanwhile, her daughter is crying, holding her hand and it is clear that she is afraid. I had to remind the girl's mother that I helped her daughter. Mom was embarrassed and switched to blaming her daughter for the fact that she had fallen down and that her hand was hurting and that some aunt was putting her in her place.
Instead of pitying her daughter, determining whether everything is in order with her hand or needing an X-ray, reminding about the safety rules at the Roledrome, that is, to really solve the problem - my mother began to look for someone to run over and blame …
- If you feel something approximate, and your parents did something similar in childhood;
- If the abstract feeling of guilt is constantly with you, if you notice behind yourself an unsettling senseless need to find the "extreme",
- If it seems to you that it is the feeling of guilt that is the responsibility
- this note can be a release from the monster of guilt. It is not your fault. And the permission to make quality constructive changes and creative improvements in your life. Be responsible)
Each of us is the author of his own destiny, love, history. Believe me, there is no point in continuing to feel totally guilty or looking for someone to blame in the crowd. You can spend years on this, and in the end, your whole life.
And what if this feeling of guilt is imputed to you? Not to accept. Yes, it's that simple. Not to accept. For this, it is important to be able to adequately define your share of responsibility and, as the saying goes, "do not take the heavy in your hands, but the bad in your head."
Bearing his responsibility for another is thankless work and a disservice.
Feel guilty for the fact that … someone So used to solving problems - not environmentally friendly and harmful to relationships.
Instead, in any situation - whether difficult, or unpleasant, or accidental - it is important to give yourself support … Everyone can make a mistake and an unfortunate accident can happen to everyone. Evaluate your share of responsibility for a successful resolution of the situation - in increasing the child's academic performance, in treating a cat, finding mutual understanding in relationships, solving work problems.
Do what you can (just do not look guilty and do not blame) - help the child with the lessons, take the cat to the vet, brew aromatic tea and invite your loved one to discuss pressing issues.
When we do what we can, it necessarily brings us closer to the goal, gives energy, inspires, motivates and gives strength and confidence in our abilities and our goodness. After all, to be responsible is to be the Creator of your life and destiny. Happy destiny.
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