"Nice Guy Syndrome". Reflections Of A Psychotherapist

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today, about good boys who have even received a whole syndrome, "Nice Guy Syndrome", a detailed study and recommendations on what to do about it. Girls, keep in mind that a lot is here about us, although we know how to do it differently.

Who fits the definition of Nice Guys? Maybe even some of you, dear readers, if you:

• are seriously concerned with always looking good in the eyes of others and doing everything right.
• truly happy only when you have succeeded in making someone else happy.
• avoid conflicts like the plague and are ready to get out of your skin so as not to upset anyone.
• believe that if you are good, sympathetic, pleasant in all respects, caring, then in return you will become happy, loved and satisfied with your life.
• at some point, you realize that you get insultingly little for your "goodness", but you are not trying to change the paradigm, but simply trying even harder.

What's the problem with the good boys? Why do their care and efforts remain unclaimed?

1. Man without borders

You don't know where it starts and where it ends. It’s as if it’s not there. It is like a fog or a cloud - like, you can see it, but you can't grab it. The easiest way to check is to ask: Where are we going today? I can predict with almost one hundred percent probability that you will receive the answer "Where do you want to?"

In general, there is nothing wrong with that when it happens once. And if always? If every time he tries to take your shape like plasticine? How do I determine who I am communicating with? Further it gets worse. A really good boy studies you diligently, or rather, thinks that he is studying, because for him reality is a set of frozen forms or rules that he hopes to master. O! Do you like tartlets with butter cream (once ordered for dessert). You will now receive them regularly. And a terrible resentment in response to the remark that today you want strawberries. A terrible insult because he has already "cut the chip", and you are so ungrateful.

2. Five stars - candy

This is another good boy ambush. They give you flowers, cakes, lend you a shoulder, and fix your car, not to help or please you. They look forward to being rewarded. Usually it's sex. There are few altruists in this world and, as you wish, I treat them with suspicion, and therefore it is quite legitimate to keep in mind the reward for good deeds. But our Nice Guys are a special case. They believe that you can only love them if they are nice enough, helpful, understanding, etc.

They differ from just good and kind men in their firm conviction that there is nothing more to love them for. By themselves, they are "still a treasure." At least women cannot accurately assess their complex inner world. This means that women need to be "bought".

3. Madonna, she's a whore

Good boys don't see a living woman in front of them. For them, she is not a subject, but an object. And they enter into a relationship not with her, but with their fantasies. The more inaccessible the fantasy, the better, because it again confirms the thesis "women love only villains." They simultaneously coexist two equally unrealistic ideas about women - she is a Beautiful Lady, who must be deserved by a hundred feats (and brings her seven dragon heads - what is the present?), And she is a bitch who needs only these damn feats, and she will "give" everything equal to the first bummer that she meets, who will not only not bring her treasures, but will also beat her up. HM are very concerned about this "give" or "not give", because for them it is a trophy, and not a natural continuation of communication with a living woman.

4. Not fair

Good Boys have a keen sense of justice. They always strive to do "right" in everything. And with all the passion available to them, they believe that this "right" exists somewhere. From time to time they find their "right" and begin to obey it earnestly. It can be religion, the code of the builder of capitalism, some kind of higher justice or some kind of "balance in nature." Everything is very logical in this system. Our Nice Guys often look to logic by suppressing their feelings and trying to keep them under control. They don't trust these emotions. They find it safer to analyze something than to feel it.

At the same time, they, of course, demand … No, they do not demand, of course, good boys do not demand anything and do not demand from anyone. They expect that the Dear Creation, in response to the correct behavior, will turn over a dump truck with toffee on their street, and other people will by default reward for good behavior. They themselves are not in a position to reward themselves for anything. What is there to reward, at least, just say what they want in this life and somehow protect their own interests. Can not. You remember, they expect this from others, and since others do not know …

5. Passive aggression

Exactly. Since the Dear Creation does not even think to pay with good for good, a natural anger accumulates inside. The one that protects us and often gives us the energy for change. But good boys also have a gag. They are not angry. It's completely wrong to be angry, jealous, envious, or God forbid, somehow openly conflict. The main thing is not to rock the boat, otherwise you can upset someone or seem not good enough. Then others may get angry with them, swear at them, or even turn around and leave.

But anger and aggression do not go anywhere and still crawl out from under the sofa, where they are pushed all the time. Moreover, in a much more unpleasant form. Good boys punish partners and colleagues with alienation (guess yourself), they all the time "forget" about requests, provoke the other side to a conflict, are late, "screw up" in serious matters and again and again enrage others, despite the vows "never again" … They can do most of this unconsciously, but who makes it easier?

6. Watch your hands

Good boys are often secretive, insincere, and manipulative. Manipulation, of course, is just a tool no worse than any other, but for them it is almost the main way of communication. After all, what is manipulation? The fork between intention and statement. For example, I want you to close the window. I can say bluntly: Close the window. And I can do it with overturning: Don't you think it's cold here? Or, I want to be given a light and instead of saying so, I ask, "Do you have any matches?"

Since a good boy cannot openly defend his interests (what kind of HM is he after this?) And is not able to directly ask for what he needs, he very often feels powerless and hopeless. And complex manipulations seem to him the only way to get at least something from this world. All this secrecy and insincerity is also often unconscious. Because in the picture of the world of these men, they are not real to anyone, somewhere they are even shameful. Therefore, all skeletons must be tightly locked, open conflicts must be avoided, and what they think they want to hear from them is to say.

7. Sex

Good boys tend to be at odds with sex, although they often deny it. Either they don’t want or don’t want them. They "do not want" more often because:

• they have already convinced themselves that sex is "too expensive" for them - they have to fuss too much before
• in sex, the element of aggression that is forbidden for them is quite strong - to poke a living person with this?
• this is a very unpredictable and unsafe process, like everything related to emotions,
• as an honest man and, in general, a decent man, he should immediately marry.

They do not want them, because in sexual attraction with them, the male pole is quickly exhausted (or, at all, does not turn on), to which women are drawn. And this is not at all about the fact that women love "bad guys", I hate statements like "every woman dreams of being raped."Glory to our times - no. And I hardly dreamed so much before.

This is about the fact that sexually attractive men have aggression inside, yes, it is present and manifested in resistance to this world (and not in physical violence). This is a person who is clearly felt in a relationship, declares himself, argues, expresses his desires, is dissatisfied with something and even insists that he is dissatisfied. The better a person (and men are not particularly different from women here) contact with their own aggression, the more chances that he will be able to express it not with the help of violence.

Sometimes Nice Guys have erection problems and premature ejaculation. By the way, some sexologists attribute premature ejaculation as well as unstable erection to signs of passive aggression. Such sabotage. And in the case of good boys, I would not rule out such sabotage. Occasionally, our nice guys are driven in the opposite direction - into chaotic relationships. There are such "bad-good boys". In general, there is always some kind of fuss and hassle with sex. Simple and earthly joys are not for them.