2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The state of loneliness is something that we constantly experience,
and it is important to learn to be friends with him.
Sergey Lobanov
What is loneliness
In today's world, many people feel lonely. And, despite the fact that there are many people around (family, relatives, close ones), a large number of social contacts (personal, professional, friendly), filled with joy, sadness or anxiety events in life, we are still very often alone next to others. We experience loneliness, as a certain state of unsaturation in important and meaningful relationships for us.
When we are lonely
- Loneliness as the need to be alone, to retire, to meet with oneself, to take a break from others.
- Loneliness, which arises from isolation, rejection, unwillingness of people to interact with a person.
- Loneliness due to an overabundance of feelings, experiences, unmet needs, resentment and a tendency to "withdraw into oneself."
- Loneliness associated with the frustration of the need for presence, support, communication, etc.
- Loneliness as a way to manipulate the environment to achieve a goal.
Often a person is in extremes: either he is always in contact and thus does not meet with himself, or he spends all efforts to avoid contact, because it is very scary to entrust something important about yourself to another person, suddenly it will not be mutual. This is always a risk, because it is true that the other person may not meet you halfway and this is his choice. But, it is important to understand that it is not you who are not like that, or that the other is wrong (and now close forever and trust no one else), this means that you are not suitable for each other, but at the same time there are definitely others in the world people with whom a meeting is possible.
Inability to break up and end a relationship is the cause of loneliness. When the relationship has already exhausted itself, when there is practically nothing pleasant, light, warm left, but a person chooses to stay in them and every day, week, month becomes more and more lonely, sad, irritated and frustrated. Choosing not to experience bitterness, sadness, sadness of parting, he thereby remains in a relationship where the experience of loneliness is intensifying more and more. In such situations, it can be valuable to thank each other, if possible, and break up, because together it can be much more lonely than alone. And then, after the end of the relationship and the separation, there are new opportunities for meeting.
Feelings of loneliness can occur when we experience strong feelings associated with an event in our life, and it does not matter what kind of event, sad or joyful, it is important that for some reason we cannot share our experiences with anyone. For example, we used to be told: “don’t please the other with your joys”, “don’t tell anyone that you feel bad or that you have been abandoned, but what will people think about us”, “don’t be noisy and don’t suffer, you must / must be strong / strong "," this is all nonsense, go do something serious "or" you yourself (a) are to blame for what happened. " These are very powerful attitudes that we received from our close environment, and which we are used to following in order not to face one form or another of rejection from people we value. And now, in adulthood, in some situations, we ourselves avoid contact with other people, because we consider ourselves guilty, stupid, or we are ashamed of some actions and choices in life. Or at all, experiencing constant rejection and depreciation earlier in the place of strong feelings, we are not aware of such a need as contact with another person, and we are in chronic loneliness.
Sometimes a person can "use" loneliness as a way to attract attention to himself, to get something in contact with others. This is an unconscious mechanism, when a person really experiences strong loneliness, fear, anxiety, cannot ask for support directly for any reason, but the need for the presence of another is very great. He seems to say: "Don't you see that I feel bad, I am all alone, you have to come and help me." This is a rather aggressive message towards others, but it seems like the only possible way to try to get something in a relationship. Behind such an accusatory form, there is a strong childish need to be seen, accepted, important and valuable. But since this need was previously frustrated, over time, the form of addressing others acquired an aggressive character.
What is the value of loneliness
Being alone is a sign of a person's emotional maturity. This ability is formed by having the experience of being alone in the presence of someone. The earliest experience is such a relationship between a mother and a small child, when she manages to ensure safety and create an atmosphere and a sense of security for her presence, when the child is not yet able to do without her. Over time, he grows up, assumes these qualities and skills of the mother, aimed at supporting him, and gains the opportunity to be alone without frequent recourse to the mother's function.
This loneliness is not destructive. In adulthood, it makes it possible to immerse yourself in yourself, notice your condition, experience, digest some life experience or situation and find a resource. Meeting with yourself alone can be very valuable, because there is an opportunity to notice something new in yourself, something that did not exist before.
Try using loneliness as a pause. A pause, where you can get distracted, where you can turn your attention to what is happening to you, where you can notice what is happening now, what is happening around - these are things that are completely opposite to the usual ways when loneliness is unbearable and is experienced as something - something that destroys us. Try to make friends with loneliness at the point where there is already a guarantee that you will not be left without contact. This is a skill called: "I can be without you, but I feel good and pleased to be with you."
Artist Laura Bifano
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