2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Self-esteem is an assessment of yourself, your appearance, your capabilities, actions and the results of these actions. An adult can rate himself highly as a good specialist, but understand that he is not very good in relationships with people. A sense of self-worth is the foundation for self-esteem. Value is the primary category, it is the Recognition of the Right to Be, to be unique, such as I Am. And everything may not make sense if I am not there…
In order to feel like a valuable and worthy person. It was very important to have such an experience - so that your merits were recognized by those you loved,
And on whom he depended. First of all, parents. If parents are able to rejoice in the uniqueness, the uniqueness of their child, considering him an interesting person with whom they are happy to communicate, recognizing the beauty and femininity of their daughter, the masculinity and strength of their son, the right to personal territory and their space. To have the right to be different from what the parents would like, and so that they can admit it.
Only those who have given themselves these rights and learned to appreciate, have given themselves the right to be Himself are capable of recognizing rights. This "appropriated" never leaves, it always remains as the original feeling of its value and its dignity, something unshakable that is almost impossible to drop, waste, destroy. Even if there are attempts to humiliate and devalue these virtues, a person with appropriated rights, first of all, will start from his own idea of himself. And build your self-esteem on this foundation.
And when your parents didn’t recognize, didn’t “show” what you are valuable for, you seek recognition of your value in the world, from a partner, a team, from a boss … you deserve … you curry favor. The main parenting message of a person with low self-worth is: You are not what I need. Be different, convenient to me. You have to please, adjust in order to get at least external evaluation…. And then we devote our whole life to deserving, following other people's ideals…. Where are you in this with your uniqueness? Where are you?
Of course, true recognition of one's own worth does not happen at once, it is a whole process. After all, our “non-value” and insignificance have been hammered into us for years: “I am the last letter in the alphabet”, “If you want a lot, you will get little”, “Has not yet grown to your opinion,” “Did not deserve …”, “You have to be more modest etc. For years and decades we have been taught not to value ourselves, to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of other people's goals, condemned for minor offenses or did not recognize our achievements.
Own your value. She is! appreciate yourself. You are unique, individual, interesting. Do you want to hear about it from others? But how will they know what a wonderful person you are, if you yourself do not know about it and do not quite believe in it? To appreciate yourself, you need to know yourself. And who knows us better than ourselves? Our parents, and what to do if they did not value us just for what we are? Then it is very difficult to live to become.
But an adult has a choice, to continue to blame the parents and stay in the same place and wait for a good mother to come and appreciate me, in this case we give responsibility to external figures and remain in a childish position.
Or take responsibility for appropriating your value. In order to remove all these "blockages" and release the flow of your energy and happiness, you need a certain determination and mental work:
This is work on building your boundaries so that “value does not flow out and disappear out of nowhere”, This is based on the feedback of the resource environment until your own support and self-confidence is formed, This is work with a sense of guilt and self-condemnation, Healing your inner child. Live this experience in therapy.
And often my job as a psychotherapist is to help see and appropriate this value. Breathe life into it. The value of oneself - it is inside, it can be under the rubble of disappointments and resentments, guilt, self-claims and negative experiences, but it is always there, real, its own.
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