"Letters Of Forgiveness Do Not Help " Why And How To Change This?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In working with psychosomatic pathology, our symptom is very often associated with the experience of some negative memories that we cannot let go of. Once I already wrote about the neurophysiology of this process, today I want to write an article aimed not at logic and algorithms, but at introspection of my mental experiences. It is no secret that in dealing with the problems of letting go, psychotherapists often recommend the so-called "written practices", in particular letters of forgiveness. However, often when asked to write such a letter, clients say that they say "I wrote, I got relief, and then all this is not it, nothing helps", etc. Why is this happening? Most often, because the pain that they caused us so hurts that by doing these techniques we strive to do everything as quickly as possible, without giving ourselves the opportunity to delve into the essence of the issue.

If this topic is relevant for you, I can offer a deeper algorithm, however, due to the fact that introspection techniques have one drawback before real work with a psychotherapist (lack of timely feedback and lack of correction for your self-awareness), to achieve a real result, you will need observe a few rules.

1. If you feel that your feelings are so strong that it is difficult for you to control yourself - do not write, seek support from a specialist.

2. Before engaging in introspection, ask someone close to help you if necessary (if emotions are overwhelmed, with whom you can talk about it on the phone or in person).

3. If, on the contrary, you are experiencing an emotional stupor, creating a special atmosphere can help you: dim lights, music evoking memories of this person, viewing photos, etc.

4. If there is a feeling that you are "stuck" in some emotions - discuss it with your psychotherapist.

And once again, pay attention to the fact that strong emotions are not the best assistant in introspection techniques, if the topic is significantly traumatic, it is better to trust a psychotherapist.

Another important point is that we always need a sufficiently high level of self-discipline to work with introspection techniques. In this case, this is important, since each new stage of the exercise being done is effective if it is unexpected, if it catches us by surprise and makes it possible to act spontaneously. This is difficult to achieve if you read the entire article at once, so I suggest saving it to bookmarks and returning to work according to the instructions, each time reading only your new step.

If this form of work suits you, then choose a time and place when you can immerse yourself in your thoughts and no one will interrupt you.

STEP 1

Once you are comfortable, write a letter to your abuser, express what you think about the situation that you cannot let go. I always tell clients that they will not show it to me, therefore they can write absolutely everything, from obscene language to intimate details that only the client and the addressee know about. Sign out as much as possible, do not try to be logical and consistent.

When you feel that there is nothing more to write, you do not need to tear anything, burn anything, etc. You need to hide this letter in a secluded place and open this article again after 1 week.

So, if you want to use this technique, don't read on, but go through the first part of the article first, save the bookmark and come back after.

STEP 2

The second step, in a week, I propose to write a response letter to your on behalf of the offender. This part of the instruction often provokes resistance - "How can I know what he thinks about this?" or "He didn't care, then and now, he wouldn't have answered anything," etc. Then, in this situation, the option of "secondary benefit" is possible, ask yourself the question "How is it profitable for me not to let go of this situation? What do I get by living it over and over again?" It is important to understand here that the problem of "not letting go" is yours, not the offender, and we do not have the task of finding out as accurately as possible what he really thinks about this, on the contrary. Our task is to study our vision of the situation and influence it. If we use this technique with the no-forgiveness mindset, then it is doomed in advance. Therefore, if the answer from the offender does not come, give yourself the opportunity to dream up, ask yourself the question "if the offender in your subconscious mind did not resist, but went to contact, what would he answer?"

If, nevertheless, your psychological defenses are stronger than you, contact a psychologist for feedback. Accumulating negative experiences, we only worsen the work of our immunity and provoke various kinds of psychosomatic disorders and diseases.

If the process goes on as usual and you were able to respond to yourself on behalf of the abuser, postpone this letter for a week.

STEP 3

After another week, as you may have guessed by now, you will also have to write a new letter to the offender, taking into account the fact that "you learned about him from the previous answer."

STEP 4

After a week, do the same thing, just the opposite. This continues until we feel that the topic no longer dominates us. Thus, there is a kind of correspondence between you and the offender in your perception.

The ultimate goal of the exercise can be expressed in several effects, depending on the degree of complexity and importance of our case. Sometimes people get tired or simply understand the meaninglessness of their resentment and let go of this topic as boring. Sometimes they find that other emotions are hidden behind the hurt and they can work them out in other techniques. Sometimes, on the contrary, clients get the opportunity to build in their minds their attitude to what happened and find replacement options (what really touched me and how I can compensate for the lost on my own). In a global sense, of course, we strive to relive emotions and leave them in correspondence. Usually, closing letters are in the nature of relief and the absence of a subject for discussion, the feeling that nothing is left unsaid in this topic.

If you cannot stop this "correspondence", i.e. go in circles and don't give up your positions - understand that the problem is not in technology, but in the fact that your decision to let go is not made, which means that some needs continue to be unmet. Analyze this with a therapist, separate your needs from specific people.

What to do with emails after?

It is believed that letters are part of our personality, our I, therefore, in the process of working on them, it is important to preserve them. You can return to them, re-read, correct, etc. Only when we feel that the topic is exhausted, that it does not carry any semantic load, we can hold them a little longer and … Making sure that the topic is above us is no longer powerful - to get rid of them in any convenient way (burn, tear and dispel, "bury" along with some things reminiscent of the event, etc.).

If we are talking about our work with a person who is not alive, then the algorithm changes and we will talk about this in another article.