2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There is a common idea that if you are offended, you need to forgive. In reality, people who have “forgiven” more often receive not relief, but a deterioration in their psychological and physical condition. In this article, I will explain why this is happening. I'll tell you about what is real, sincere forgiveness and imaginary. How to distinguish between them, so as not to deceive yourself. And what to do to make forgiveness real and bring real relief.
How to distinguish between real and perceived forgiveness?
The fact is that in life (and at the reception) I come across a huge number of examples of imaginary forgiveness. I will give 2 cases from my own practice. The names have been changed.
Example 1.
Woman, 32 years old, 3 months after stroke. She came with complaints of depression, anxiety, apathy, irritability. I ask what she had before the stroke. She says that her husband cheated on her. After the betrayal, they parted and did not live together for six months. Then she "forgiven" him and they decided to get back together. A week after that, she suffered a stroke.
Example 2.
Mom applied for a child of 3, 5 years old. Dima has been flatly refusing to go to kindergarten for 2 weeks now. At the mention of kindergarten, he throws a tantrum. Again I ask what happened 2 weeks ago. The situation was simple: one of the children beat Dima. The educators settled the situation by asking Dima to forgive the offender. Dima said that he forgives. After lunch, the same child beat Dima again. The teachers again suggested that Dima forgive the offender. Dima refused to the last, but what can a little boy do against a persistent teacher? Had to "" again. As you probably already guessed, Dima was beaten a couple more times that day. And every time they demanded forgiveness.
The examples show that in reality there was no forgiveness. There were only words. Pain, and a sense of injustice, and fear that the situation might repeat itself, and humiliation remained inside. That is, the resentment remained.
This is the essence of the whole article:
as long as the resentment remains, we are not talking about any real forgiveness!
As long as we are offended and have not received compensation, forgiveness will be imaginary, not real. This means that it will not help, but only make it worse.
What happens if there is no real forgiveness?
After an imaginary forgiveness, there are several options for the development of the situation, and they are all bad:
- Unconscious (sometimes conscious) revenge. For example. I'll stay with my spouse who cheated on me, but I won't trust him. I will remind him every day and make him guilty. I will be afraid of emotional closeness. I will refuse intimate relationships.
- Outbursts of anger, irritability. The irritation has not gone anywhere, it boils inside and periodically breaks through.
- Fears, phobias, panic attacks. Fear that the situation is not over, that there may be a repetition and again I will not be able to defend myself.
- Psychosomatics. Exacerbation of chronic diseases or the appearance of new sores. Imaginary forgiveness drives emotions deep. They find no way out, stay inside and become destructive.
What to do?
The best option is to claim compensation. It doesn't have to be money or anything tangible. Although it also happens. But it can be an admission of guilt, and special attention or care.
The meaning of compensation is compensation for damage. If the damage is material, it is ideal to compensate for it with material means. If a chicken is stolen from you, have it compensated with chicken. Or return its cost.
If the damage is moral, compensation can be both moral and material. Here it is necessary to think, and in what, in fact, the damage. What exactly did you lose and how to recover it. What is your need violated and how to satisfy it. In example # 1, the wife needs to think about what her husband can do so good for her so that she can trust him again. Perhaps discuss this with a psychologist. If there is no such compensation, the relationship is doomed.
You can truly forgive only when the damage is compensated.
The essence of compensation is exactly the opposite of revenge:
- Revenge: you did me bad, now I want you to feel bad too.
- Compensation: you did me wrong, now I want you to help me do myself well.
And the most important thing!
The compensation should be such that you can complete the situation for yourself and never remember again.
It doesn’t mean forgetting. This means not returning thoughts every day. This means not to remember and not to blame. Don't blame that person.
If compensation is not possible
Sometimes it happens that there is no way to get compensation. The abuser may not be available. Or disagree.
In such cases, too, there is no need to rush to “forgive”. You need to take care of yourself first. That is, independently (or with the help of other people) compensate for the damage caused to yourself. Recover.
If the spouses from example # 1 did not agree on compensation and nevertheless divorced, then the wife's resentment and anger will remain until she finds another partner. Someone with whom she can have a trusting relationship again. Only then can we talk about real forgiveness.
And yes, she will have to do it herself. Because no one else will solve this problem for her. Maximum - you can use the help of friends or a psychologist.
How to check if I have sincerely forgiven a person or if I am deceiving myself?
Any reader can do this right now. You need to ask yourself:
- Is the damage caused to me compensated?
- Can I sincerely, honestly thank the offender for the good that we had and wish him happiness in future life?
If both answers are yes, then the forgiveness is real and the situation is really over. If at least one answer is “no”, then the situation is not over for you and it is still far from forgiveness.
In conclusion, I offer you a simple psychological test, consisting of just one question.
Which option best suits your situation today:
I loved you so sincerely, so tenderly, as …
A) God bless you to be different
B) God forbid you beloved to be nobody
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