2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sometime in my student years, curiosity led me to an esoteric session. It was in the late nineties. There was a hall with velvet crimson curtains, lots of candles along the walls, smoke from mismatched incense sticks. The gray carpet covered the parquet flooring. People were sitting on the parquet in Turkish. It was supposed to be lotus position and meditation. Oommm! It cost some money.
Back in the ashram (I don't remember exactly what it was called) there was a certain guru. She saw the past and based on it she modeled the future. She denied the time "here and now" and urged to replace it with meditation. Oommm!
For money about my monthly stipend, she went into a trance, right on the spot, and without leaving the trance, she sipped coffee, so to speak, read out the past. The family then diligently removed from me the "crown of celibacy" and "unsuitable gentlemen", the guru undertook to help and doubled the price. The lady rolled her eyes and explained that all my torment was from a past life. The second year psychology student in me demanded details. The details were disappointing: I was the daughter of a landowner near Kiev and drowned myself in love right at the headquarters near my father's hut. I was ordered to forgive my cruel father, who did not let the lady (me) into a legal marriage to a blacksmith. The philologist in me sarcastically asked why the guru had mixed Gogol's works in a heap and what did I have to do with it. Madame choked on the coffee, omm didn’t happen. Instead, she looked inside herself again and said that before that I had been a landowner and had tortured many peasants and had to forgive and repent. So we got to Nero. (Which flattered me a lot).
There was also something that wounded me then. I was rolled out a list of people (from this and past lives) who needed to be forgiven. After forgiveness, paradise should have come in my soul and new suitable people would rush to me in droves … I was very sad then that I was not able to forget that way. "Oommm and all the bad things are gone."
Throughout my life, I have occasionally come across the topic of such violent forgiveness. For me, this is when they demand “to let go and forget right now”, “smile and forget the bad”, “do not hold evil”, “drink whiskey and don’t think about it”. Forgiveness is demanded, forcibly and arrogantly. Examples are given of how happy those who have forgiven are and how badly those who have not attained the Zen of forgiveness live. Behind the counselor's demand are his personal motives, from the desire to "rescue by force" to the narcissistic "I enlightened myself, but you are not" and much more, including the desire to sell you meditation.
It is impossible to forgive such requirements about violation of borders by order. It is also very easy to get into a feeling of guilt and shame - "everyone has already forgiven and enlightened, I alone attract bad karma to the toadstool."
It is difficult to forgive someone who has injured on the order of another. This is a delicate matter and the order "forgive immediately" hurts rather than helps.
Forgiveness, I would substitute the word "awareness". It is closer to me to understand the reasons for the actions of a person and to realize why he did this, what are the motives of the offended person. This process is not quick: to live and realize, wait for the pain and begin to subside. When distrust diminishes, and there is enough resource in the soul to go further and understand the hurting one. Everyone has their own speed of this process, it is impossible to pull awareness from a person and speed up his thoughts. Understanding will ripen like an apple in its own unique time and is not worth rushing a person. Someone day, someone years.
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