2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I am a field covered with mines,
You can't go there, you can't come here.
I'm not supposed to touch mines
But I explode sometimes"
Valentin Gaft
Irina in her 30s is afraid of one word. It spoils the mood, interferes with concentration, and leads to conflicts.
And today, having heard him, I felt strong irritation.
Customer: "It is important for me that it was done like this"
Irina's thoughts: “It is important to him, you see! I'm also a VIP person. Jump in front of him now, try. And I?! What am I worse than him or what ?! We got it with our "important"
She, barely holding back her anger, sits through her teeth through her proposal.
The interlocutor, outraged by the tone, was getting ready to leave. I had to apologize and offer a bonus in the form of a significant price reduction so as not to lose a regular customer.
Such a short and so explosive word "important". As a catalyst that triggers experiences that a woman cannot handle.
Where do "legs grow" from? Unlived Heartache
Irina's mother had no time for her daughter. A single mother in a leadership position spent most of her time at work. There was neither time nor energy for a daughter. The girl often heard:
- It doesn't matter what you want. This is not part of my plans.
- It doesn't matter what your mood is - you must immediately do what I say.
-I don't care about your opinion! When you grow up, you will then have a voice. And now - shut up!
- What importance: she wants it! Do you want to!
These words hurt and hurt, they made me feel unnecessary, insignificant.
To be not important and unnecessary for the closest person is unbearable, scary, painful. To keep mom from getting angry, several habits were acquired:
- not talking out loud about your desires, especially if they relate to people around you
- do everything myself, and if it doesn't work, then ignore your needs, suppress them
- try to be in a good or "normal" mood
- do not complain, do not show fatigue, feeling unwell, upset
- it is advisable not to draw attention to your person at all, except for well-done tasks
Irina learned to behave with herself as she once did to her: she learned to ignore her needs. The drama that took place outside has happily moved inward.
Explosive word
Irina has been living separately from her mother for more than 15 years. But until now, when he hears the word "important", he remembers his own insignificance, it is stifled by resentment and irritation. Scraps of memory of rejection float up, which she struggles to forget, from which she wants to hide. And hides all his life.
Hiding behind diligence and responsibility - she is a wonderful web designer and clients are happy with her. She hides behind an understanding smile in relationships with men - she is ready to forgive a lot so as not to be left alone. Wears understanding and patience as a shield when communicating with the mother, turning a blind eye to her bad mood and claims. Hiding behind diligence and, again, patience in contact with the authorities, not daring to say anything. Behind the detachment and the mask "I_me_all_in_order_I_sama_can_" in relationships with friends.
Only outbursts of uncontrollable irritation give her away, when what others say “is important to me” destroys the defenses built over the years of her life. As if these few letters hit a mine, which is unknown where it is planted and when it will explode.
Why does a common word have such consequences?
Everything that happens during life does not disappear anywhere - it remains in the memory. If some traumatic situation was repeated over and over again, it remains in the psyche in the form of suppressed emotions, desires and impulses for actions. The more painful the memories are, the more energy is expended to keep them deep inside.
A word spoken at the wrong time, someone's awkward act, facial expression or intonation reminiscent of the past revives and intensifies the inner drama. Pain and resentment emerge from the depths of the subconscious. The heartache comes to life. The tension is increasing. The defenses do not hold up. There is an "explosion" of the once laid "mine".
How to neutralize an internal minefield?
The only way to neutralize "internal mines" is to relive the unlived pain. The main condition for this is an environment of acceptance and security - something that was not there the very first time.
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