2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Separation from parents is the basis for the formation of a future full-fledged human personality. Co-dependence between parent and child is very useful and important for his development, but you also need to understand the boundaries when merging can be harmful. Consider the stages of development of parent-child relationships:
- from 0 to 3 years old - codependency, the child at first accepts his mother as a whole world, as a part of himself. It depends on her presence, mood. Thus, the child's expectations from the world are formed, if the child received enough love and care at this stage, then he will expect the same from the whole world around him - that others will respect his feelings, emotions, help him, the world is safe.
- from 3 years - complete biological separation ends, the child begins to study the personal boundaries of the parents. At this age, the child makes demands, throws tantrums, says "no", "I will not" and in other ways shows his disagreement with the parental rules. Thus, the child wants to check whether he is loved with such a character, whether he will not be abandoned when he is mischievous. He wants to separate, move away from his mother, but be sure that she will come to the rescue anyway. Here it is important for parents to show the child that they are his back and support in any situation.
- preschool and school age - the child gets even more freedom of action, can learn new skills, expand the social circle, parents still act as an authority.
- teenage rebellion - this is where the important stage of the final separation begins, the child finds himself in a situation where his desired social position does not correspond to the reality. That is, the child already wants to feel complete independence, wants to be a full-fledged member of society, to contribute to this world - but so far it cannot be banal. And therefore, he tries to show his parents and those around him by all means that he is already an adult and can do whatever he pleases. Or, more precisely, everything that parents forbade. It is protest - the movement not "to" but "from" that characterizes this stage.
What happens if a person has not lived through some of the stages of separation?
- If, during the crisis of 3 years, the parents did not allow the child to separate in any way, they wanted to detain him at the stage of codependency, to enjoy this happiness of love for a smiling baby - the child will not be able to make independent decisions, most likely, it will be difficult for him to live alone, he will be addicted from parents, their approval. Such an adult can also have a relationship in which he remains with codependent ties - transferring the image of a mother to a partner. He will look for himself in his spouse for a person who will be the prototype of the parent, in order to be safe with him and to know that everything will be done and arranged for you. Men looking for older, hyper-caring, and bossy women are perfect examples.
- A teenage riot can also drag on. And this is manifested in this way: a person often changes work, place of study, argues for every oblique word, participates in radical movements, in general, there is a rebellious spirit in all its manifestations. And the most important difference from ordinary activism, perseverance is that such a person will choose not the job that he has dreamed of all his life, but the one that his parents did not approve of.… He will get a tattoo not because it is his true desire - but because his mother forbade him to do it. Any hint of possible dependence on parents will cause such a person to protest. This is a sign that the separation has not been lived through.
It is easier for such a person to be in a job that his parents vehemently hate than to be in a place that they would approve and accept - because for him it means giving in to them
What to do about it?
- To grieve, for a long time and until victorious. We often condemn the need to pour out feelings, but in this situation it is very important. You need to suffer enough that your childhood was not what you would like, and that you will no longer be the ideal child for parents, just as they will not change. And this is a fact. It is very bitter to let go of the hope that you can still compensate and fix it - but this is inevitable.
- It is important to realize what you can rely on besides your parents - social connections, your work, financial independence (almost the most important part for separation), your personal values and life plans that are not tied to the opinion of your parents about them.
- Learn to see parents as individuals. Evaluate them objectively, as people you don't know, a liberator from your expectations and resentments, and look at them as they are.
- Accept them and your past. As soon as you stop experiencing vivid negative emotions when remembering the connection with your parents, this will mean that acceptance has come.
I wish everyone a successful separation, do not rebel 😊
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