The Psychology Of Infertility

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently I wondered why many couples, being happy in marriage, without any material and housing problems, do not have children. Does not work? Do not want? Or do they want to live only for themselves?

Indeed, the most common reason for the absence of children in a couple is the unwillingness of one of the spouses to acquire offspring due to lack of willingness. One person in the family (no matter whether a man or a woman, more often she) is forced, in this case, to submit to the decision of a partner, despite his desire to have children.

Some couples have animals instead of children. It seems that this factor alienates spouses from the birth of a child and removes responsibility from them. In fact, this is not an avoidance of responsibility, but her first experience. Pets even contribute to the readiness to have a baby. But there are other reasons why a married couple cannot or does not want to have children.

In my opinion, the roots of "unwillingness" to have children lie in the parental family of each of the spouses. It is very difficult for a person to decide to have children, and sometimes to get married (get married), because, most likely, he grew up in a dysfunctional family. I am not writing now about a mother who deprived her child of warmth and love, about a father who abused alcohol or drugs. Although these reasons can be initially resistance to parenting, as well as the absence of one of the parents.

I believe that the most important reason for not wanting to have children is childhood traumas received at an early age in the parental family. Incestuous relationships, physical, psychological, sexual abuse. Let me give you one example: “My father was always a tyrant. He humiliated my sister and me, he could hit or put a knife to the throat. He constantly beat his mother, threw it on the coffee tables, and did not give her a divorce for many years … After watching and experiencing all this, I do not want to have my own children. " Most likely, this girl was still "stuck" in her childhood, which was very painful for her. And this unfinished situation of the past does not want to have children, showing great resistance. Unwillingness to have children can also be associated with "freedom" that people do not want to lose, being over pressure, pressure from society, duty to parents, etc.

Many couples, despite the difficult relationship in the parental family, still decide to have a child. Forget past wounds, find support in friends and husband / wife. And here some surprises await in the inability to get pregnant. Even those couples who grew up in a prosperous family were not deprived of the love and affection of their parents, adopted the best qualities from them, relied on them in difficult moments, cannot get pregnant and have been trying to conceive a child for years. They pass dozens of doctors, take tests, but all in vain. Many are diagnosed with infertility, and it sounds like a bolt from the blue. As a rule, such an official diagnosis has a prehistory (several miscarriages in a row, or one, after which pregnancy, abortions, etc. do not occur for several years). Such a "background" for many couples has an unfinished situation under it, which provokes stuck on it, which forces people to return to this situation again and again. In this case, the trauma of the loss of a child was not lived, the severity of the event was not recognized.

Many couples, indeed, have health problems that can be corrected with medication, but in most cases, the inability to get pregnant lies at a subconscious level, that is, in our head and in our thoughts. The main psychological causes of infertility include:

• Fear of pregnancy. This can include the fear of pregnancy itself, both of a physiological state, and fear of childbirth, fear of pain, fear of toxicosis, fear of encountering something unknown, new, uncertain, which causes the birth of a child.
• An attempt to tie a partner to yourself (fear of being alone, abandoned, anxiety associated with this).
• Fear of a possible bad outcome: hereditary, genetic diseases in an unborn child, complications, illnesses, fear of losing a child, not carrying it out.
• Subconscious negative attitude towards pregnancy or to the specific sex of the unborn child: “I can't imagine if I will have a daughter. Her husband will keep her in such severity, he will not let her go anywhere, I don’t know at all how it is necessary with the girls, what I will do with her, with the boys it’s easier somehow …”.
• Difficult relationship with mother. It is important for a woman to explore her relationship with her mother, her attitude to motherhood, to her husband, because during pregnancy, there is an identification with the maternal origin. A psychotherapist can help with this.
• A passionate desire to have children. It happens that the desire to have a child becomes an end in itself, an overvalued idea. And all other goals and objectives pale before this. Nothing interests in life anymore, nothing else matters. Such a fix idea can postpone a serious imprint on the whole family as a whole, since a man can be perceived as a means of conception and lose his former attractiveness, namely human.
• Stress and depression. Disorders of the nervous system have a particularly negative effect on the female body, causing disruptions at the hormonal level.
• The reason for infertility may be the partner's unwillingness to accept the other as a father / mother. “My husband and I have been married for 12 years, we have no children. At first, somehow I really wanted to live for myself for a couple of years, and then, when I wanted to have children, my husband refused. Despite this, I decided to give birth for myself and it still does not work out. Maybe this is some kind of hidden insult, but now, many years later, I do not see him as a father. He is largely irresponsible, he is often lazy …”.

Talk to your partner sincerely and do the following exercises to help you understand the reasons for your inability to get pregnant.

Exercise 1. Tell each other what you have from your father and from your mother. What can you pass on to your child?

Exercise 2. Think about what you see in your partner? What kind of father / what kind of mother?

Exercise 3. Draw with your partner your pregnancy, discuss how you imagine it. Next - how do you imagine parenting.

Some issues may seem difficult to you to discuss, but the main thing is trust in your partner, the ability to honestly and openly discuss and listen to each other, without being offended or angry. Give the couple an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings. If you cannot talk openly, answer the questions in the exercises, you can contact an experienced specialist, family psychotherapist, who will help you in this situation. Wish you luck!