Needs: How To Distinguish Yours From Others

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Dear Readers!

Have you ever thought about what constitutes the basis of everyday happiness? Not complex everyday arguments about the essentials, about love and devotion, but about simple structural elements of happiness? No? Then I invite you to think together!

If we summarize everything, tangible and intangible, that will make us happy, then we can safely say that satisfaction of needs there is a key to happiness. But are we always happy? No. Why?

There are only two options:

1. We are not meeting our needs.
2. The needs that we are used to meeting are not really ours.

Interesting? Then let's move on!

Let's talk about the needs

Needs - the concept is broad. But let's look at it from the point of view of psychology that is relevant to us.

A need is a lack of something (physiologically or psychologically) and a state that arises after it. Do not confuse desire with need.

Let's take an example. Is it a necessity to buy a car? No, this is a desire. Why? Because physiologically we are able to exist without a machine, psychologically - too. But at the root of this desire is need. The need for recognition, comfort, adrenaline, communication, conformity, and so on. Guided by the needs, we buy a comfortable car that does not "eat" a lot of gasoline, is not too easily soiled and is feasible to repair. Guided by our desires, we will buy a white sports car and will regularly ruin it on bumps, ensuring old age for the salon director.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow was actively involved in the study of need as a psychological phenomenon; it was also studied by Eric Berne and described by Henry Murray. To understand a little more, I propose to briefly review their versions.

Abraham Maslowis known for being able to build the needs in a hierarchical pyramid according to the level of development.

According to the theory Maslow needsthe higher levels cannot be satisfied as long as there is a shortage at the lower levels. And that makes sense. If you think about it, even a non-poor student is not up to theory when the sutra does not have breakfast:)

But seriously speaking, happy is the one who knows how to satisfy all categories of needs. Or who knows how to enjoy what he has.

Eric Berne approached more structurally and less pragmatically. He identified only three psychological needs that hold our personality. E. Bern called them "hunger". Initially, he focused on the three famines.

1. Sensory hunger is the need for physical contact with other people.
2. The hunger for recognition is the need to be noticed and accepted in any form available.
3. Structural hunger is the need to organize and structure your time.

Some followers of Berne singled out stimulatory and sexual hunger in separate types, and the sexual act was called almost the only way to satisfy all hunger. This has its own truth, if you think about it.

Why know about these "famines"? Yes, if only because the chronic dissatisfaction of these hunger is the real cause of neuroses - depression, neurasthenia, phobias and others. This is where the cause of almost all psychological problems lies

Judge for yourself, a person whose hunger for recognition has not been satisfied since childhood, for example. He will, on a subconscious level, look for the environment that gives this recognition, and the search methods are not always safe. A person who chronically does not receive recognition of his existence will not ask for help, will be sure that no one needs and cannot be loved by definition. What will be the result of such lifelong confidence!

Another researcher of the needs of the human being was Henry Murray.

Needsin his view, they are initially psychogenic, that is, they are associated with the desires of the soul, not the body. Murray also divided needs into those that are of secondary importance and primary. Primary needs according to Murray- these are those that were originally necessary for survival (food, water, sleep, and the like), the secondary ones always have a psychological connotation.

If everything is clear with the primary, then psychogenic needs- a separate conversation. There are 5 of them:

1. Ambition - this is a lack of exhibitionism (this is attracting attention, a desire to impress), in achieving and setting goals, in recognition, that is, in certain statuses and roles.
2. Material need (possession of material goods, structuring and organization).
3. Strength needs (in aggression, domination, in avoidance, in self-deprecation, in respect).
4. Need for gratitude includes the need for belonging, for care, for help, for emotional response.
5. Information - this is the need for the acquisition and return of knowledge, the exchange of experience (both intellectual and emotional).

Murray believes that it is precisely the needs and the ways of their realization that form the basis of what is called the personality. Both are most influenced by the environment.

All this can be used in order to realize the need after the fact. Understand the difference between "want" and "need".

External and internal

What we do, how we behave and even the thoughts that we are used to thinking are in most cases focused on approval. Yes, yes, not to satisfy your needs, namely to:

1. To get approval
2. Don't get condemned

See what are the two polar criteria. They are of a scenario nature. Like this? These are childhood habits. From what we are accustomed to expect in response to our actions - approval or lack of condemnation.

Let's say a little girl Katya, five years old, drew a picture for her mother on March 8th. Katya's mother could react to this either with approval and joy, thereby showing Katya how important her efforts and the very fact of her attention are. Katya's mother could also take it for granted and not react in any way, the main thing is that Katya did not paint the walls and did not get dirty. In the end, Katya's mother could begin to criticize her daughter for a sloppy drawing, dirty hands and an untidy room.

If these patterns of mother's behavior were lifelong and accompanied Katya's communication with her mother all her life, how could Katya grow?

In the first case, Katya would grow up to be a confident woman in her value and her abilities, who is able to notice and respond in a timely manner to her needs, because she does not expect an inadequate reaction.

In the second case, Katya would be neutral, and most likely a woman who is somewhat “blind” to her needs, because when she does what she wants, there is no reaction at all, so why think about needs?

In the latter case, any of Katya's needs would be accompanied by a background feeling of guilt, insecurity, and even anger towards herself.

This simple example showed how important it is to realize the value of your needs. No matter how independent we are, from the very childhood we are focused on the reaction. We learn to respond to our thoughts and feelings by noting the reactions of the earliest significant people to them. And this begins from the very birth, when the child is able to grasp only the emotional state of the mother. This is a proven fact.

How does this help you distinguish yours from others?

As mentioned above, the value of a challenge depends on a learned internal response to satisfaction. Sensitive to the reactions of others from childhood, we learn behavior that will cause either a positive reaction or a negative one. It all depends on whether we had enough love.

If the recognition from the parents was enough, then we will learn to react in such a way as to feel approval, and if there was little love, then we will provoke any reaction. As a child, it is important to get at least some recognition. It gives us the feelings on which we depend. Either satisfaction (mom praises), or just getting recognition (mom drew attention).

As we grow up we are focused on the expected (memorized) feeling.

For example, our Katya got used to expecting praise for something and she felt satisfaction and joy. The same feeling will arise at the age of 30, when she will think about satisfying her needs. If Katya was expecting condemnation, then she could feel fear and resentment, thinking about her needs. As an adult, she will subconsciously associate her needs and desires with the fear of judgment.

All this inevitably leads to the fact that "pleasant" expectations from needs will be learned by heart as their own, and unpleasant - as unnecessary, strangers.

Now let's talk in more detail about how to distinguish our own needs from those of others.

Write down some of your basic needs or desires on a piece of paper. Let half be those that you satisfied, and the second - dissatisfied. Take a look at the list and think about what you expected in each case.

To understand who owns a particular need, you can ask yourself the following questions:

• What will the satisfaction of this need give me personally?
• How do I feel thinking about her?
• What will happen to my feelings if she is not satisfied?
• What is the basis (if we are talking about a desire - you need to find a need)?
• How else can I get this feeling?
• Who else will benefit from meeting this need?
• Would I be uncomfortable if I now satisfy this need?
• What happens if you don't do it now?

Of course, you should not think about every need like that, but if the thought of something causes you doubts or background feelings, do not be lazy and do it. To understand the benefits, consider an example:

Katya wants to deliver the project to the firm ahead of schedule. At the same time, there is no urgent need, but she feels uncomfortable at the thought of "tightening". She understands that there is nothing wrong with timely execution, but at the level of feelings she is uneasy. Having come to a psychologist, Katya fulfills the above recommendations and answers these questions:

1. What will the satisfaction of this need give me personally? - Satisfaction, calmness.
2. How do I feel thinking about her? - Tension, anxiety, readiness, anticipation.
3. What will happen to my feelings if she is not satisfied? - Anxiety, fear, as if expectation of punishment, oppression, inferiority.
4. What is the basis (if we are talking about a desire - you need to find a need)? - The need for recognition and structure.
5. How else can I get this feeling? - If the assignment is completed on time, ask to evaluate the efforts, ask the opinion of colleagues and relatives regarding the conceptual elements of the project.
6. Who else will benefit from meeting this need? - Boss
7. Would I be uncomfortable if I satisfied this need now? - Yes, I would be alarmed.
8. What happens if you don't do it now? - Nothing but inner tension and a sense of one's own "failure".

It is clear from the answers that there is no objective need for a "five-year plan in three years". But the mere thought of doing everything just on time causes Katya's strong discomfort, anxiety, in other words, fear.

Obviously, this need to be faster, higher and stronger does not belong to her. This is an oddly scripted, childhood experience, when it was possible to get approval, and therefore safety, only by doing everything better and faster.

What can be done to prevent Katya from experiencing this discomfort? Teach her to analyze the feelings that have arisen, to help her build her own structure and boundaries. Katya should have come to psychotherapy.

Everyone can do this exercise at home and learn a lot about what belongs to him and what is from his past experience. This will be the first step.

So, I hope you understand what shapes our needs … To morning the above, I have combined all this into three criteria of "my needs":

1. There is an objective need to satisfy the need.
2. Failure to satisfy the need does not lead to unpleasant consequences for the inner state.
3. Satisfying the need brings personal benefits here and now.

Further, it is important to understand what actually exists - a desire or a need. Knowing what the needs are, you can understand what is behind the desires and find a comfortable and acceptable way of satisfaction.

If this material turned out to be useful to you - write your impressions below! If you have understood something about sabot and want to understand yourself even better - come for a consultation. Knowing yourself is always interesting and useful!