2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
4 types of dependent relationships.
We are all, to one degree or another, dependent on the person we let into our lives. The only difference is in the territory that he occupies in us.
Or we are in it.
There are four types of dependent relationships:
⦁ Dissolve in the Other.
To become a part of His life, an appendage, an addition to Him. Adopt his values and outlook on life.
To see in the Other a mentor, a teacher - someone who is better versed in life and in what you need, in particular.
Do not understand or feel your own needs.
Do not trust yourself in your choice and do not believe in yourself as a person capable of independently taking responsibility for your life.
All responsibility, plans, goals, important decisions are shifted to the partner.
the other becomes a kind of abode that shelters and protects from the outside world. a mother's womb for an adult
“The meaning of my life is to be with him. He is everything to me. I am nothing without him."
"I can't imagine how you can live without someone who guides you, takes care of you and protects you."
Such people are purposefully looking for a person who would accept them into their world, begin to care and save, raise and guide them on the right path, because they do not feel viable without a caring Parent figure nearby.
The way out of dependent relationships is, first of all, finding oneself as a separate person, the growth of independence and the ability to rely on oneself and trust oneself.
It means becoming an Adult, able to rely on yourself.
⦁ Become a Guiding Star for the Other
Determine the path of life and development of another person and push him hard in the right direction. To become for him a caring Mom, a strict Father, Coach, Rescuer and Spiritual guru all rolled into one.
Take responsibility for his life, his health, his nutrition, his development. Set goals for him, inspire, push, motivate. Be the barge that pushes him forward.
At the same time, the personal territory of the Other is his principles, worldview, desires, a system of ideas about oneself, ways of interacting with the world, an idea of one's own capabilities; goals and their own ways of achieving them, as well as the physical territory - personal belongings, their own space - all of this is being occupied. It is trampled down and dug out like a clearing with weeds in order to plant only the necessary and useful.
The price of such care is the deprivation of another's right to freedom, self-determination, to their own elections, personal territory, where entry is prohibited.
“I know what you need! Listen to me and you will be fine!”
“I raised him, made a man out of him! Where would he be if not for me ?!"
“I am smarter, stronger than him. I know how to do it. And if he does everything that I tell him, then everything will be fine."
“I live for him. I live so that everything will be good for him."
It seems to people that they live for another person, sacrificing themselves entirely. And naturally they expect gratitude.
in fact, they simply absorb the other person, replacing them with their own aspirations and desires. filling a hole in your soul with someone else's life
If all the efforts that are directed at growing out of the Other someone Worthy were spent on hearing oneself, and everything that was grown in the Other would grow in oneself - that would be growth!
But it is very difficult to give up the missionary mission, control and parental position in relation to another adult. From a sense of power and power.
Having renounced life for the sake of the Other, one will have to face oneself, with the emptiness that will be in the place that was filled by another person.
You will have to take a closer look at yourself and learn to distinguish your desires from the desires of other people. Acknowledge your needs and allow yourself to satisfy them without trying to give happiness to someone else. And to recognize the right for another person to be different and independently bear responsibility for their lives.
⦁ To gain complete power over the Other
In this case, some kind of “ideal image” is molded from the partner, which exists only in one's own head.
This happens by completely destroying the inner world of another person.
Another person is perceived as a complete insignificance, a slave, a thing, incapable of anything worthwhile, he must be “educated” and “taught to mind” with the help of constant criticism and humiliation.
Moreover, those qualities in which the other person is extraordinary will be criticized and belittled.
The main task is to make the Other completely dependent. They can buy it with gifts, provide it entirely, the only thing that is not allowed is freedom and independence.
responsibility for the other is declared, but in reality it is not carried out: the partner is only used. on it every day his own ability to rule, control other people's feelings and actions is tested
This is a sadistic type of addictive relationship, built on the principle of the Aggressor and the Victim. The victim is constantly under the weight of guilt, horror and shame. She tries to meet the increasingly unrealistic demands of the aggressor, completely destroying herself as a person. The aggressor plays with it like a cat with a mouse - while the mouse is still alive, it trembles, resists, it is interesting. As soon as the victim has completely submitted, died as a person, all interest in her is lost. And they look for a new victim, often a child.
The feeling of one's own importance, power, the ability to control other people's lives - that's what attracts the aggressor and gives him value in his own eyes.
There is a lot of psychological and physical abuse in these relationships.
If the victim manages to find help and escape from the trap, and not look for a new sadist for himself, but gradually regain himself, faith and trust in himself, then it is possible to build new, healthier relationships with another person.
Use the Other as a Mirror
“My light, mirror! Say Yes, report the whole truth: Am I the loveliest in the world, All blush and whiter?"
The mirror should answer: “You” and tirelessly praise, reflecting only the positive, incredibly beautiful qualities of a partner - his sharp mind, beauty, originality, peculiarity, dissimilarity to mere mortals.
If it occurs to the Mirror to blurt out something like: "You are beautiful, there is no word, but the princess is still whiter …" …
A person, building such a relationship, behaves like a capricious Child who expects only praise and unconditional recognition of his talents from his Parents.
The partner must fulfill the role of not only a Mirror, but also bear the responsibilities of a Parent - to provide, groom, cherish, spoon-feed and bring in a train.
All responsibility for providing, financial security, solving complex, vital issues rests with the partner.
“If he loves me, then he must provide for me. Otherwise, why do you need a husband and a man at all?"
“She should be happy only from the fact that a person like me lives with her.”
This is a narcissistic type of relationship. The other is needed only as a mirror, as a weak reflection, a background against which the owner himself is seen brighter and more effectively.
The recognition of the other as an equal, visible, separate, and not reflective person is the first step in improving such a relationship.
a person's need to build dependent relationships is formed in childhood. the child is looking for a way that will give him the opportunity to receive the love and care of loved ones
The family system itself dictates this method - how to behave so that you are loved, appreciated, paid attention to, admired. Do you need to be unhappy and helpless for this, or do you need to be a rescuer, a hero, a martyr and responsible for everyone, or do you need to be a cruel, domineering tyrant, or the smartest, most beautiful to justify the unrealistic expectations of the family. And often these requirements are summed up, mixed and create a complex system of needs and expectations that a person tries to satisfy in a relationship with the Other.
It should be noted that people accurately find their soul mate, suitable for them in the way of relationships.
By creating relationships, we let a person into our heart, enter his territory and let him into ours. This would not be possible if we did not have a place for it, if we were so complete and self-sufficient that we would not need anyone else. Most people need each other, and thank God.
Two people in love complement each other, feeling better with the other than without. The only difference is in the way of interaction and in the territory that we give to the Other or take from him.
in a healthy relationship there is attachment, but there is also autonomy, the ability to rely on yourself, on your personal resources, not dependent on another person
there is support with respect for the boundaries of the other person
In a healthy relationship, people stay together not because it is impossible without each other, but because together is better than separately.
“A mature relationship of love is a relationship of people who, complementing each other, remain separate, holistic individuals who have enough opportunities for individual self-development and have internal resources that are independent of their partner.”(E. Emelyanova)
"Mature love says:" I can live without you, but I love you and therefore I want to be close. " (I. Yalom)
Whoever we build relationships with, we will create them according to the principle to which we have become accustomed from childhood, therefore, the way out of dependent relationships is, first of all, a change in oneself
Because in every new relationship we will bring ourselves again.
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