2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This question was raised in the last marathon “How to become an egoist”
But it’s true, when a person is used to feeling helpless, unable to create comfortable living conditions for himself, completely dependent on all circumstances and people, unable to withstand these circumstances and people…. Then it is difficult to feel what it is like to allow yourself to be vulnerable in closeness with another person.⠀
After all, there is a great fear of falling into addiction even more, to open the hidden corners of the soul and allow yourself to be hurt.
Step into vulnerability - when with open eyes I enter a situation where I may be uncomfortable, scared and painful - it means to take this step consciously, with the hope that the loved one will accept and become even closer, even safer.
But at the same time, it is clear to yourself that it will hurt there. And it will hurt not because of a loved one, but because I have a wound there.
And you can only step into vulnerability with the equally clear realization that you can be rejected. And you yourself, and not someone else, will need to support yourself, although it will be even more painful there.
Vulnerability is incredible risk, intense fear.
Take a step in sacrifice - means to throw responsibility for the pain on another or circumstances. Take a step, being convinced that everyone and everything around is obliged simply because they are obliged to support you, protect you, create conditions so that you do not get sick.
It hurts too. because the world is so arranged that, even not wanting to hurt, people do it. Because our inner wounds are not visible from the outside. ⠀⠀
But beautiful words are one thing, but real, understandable examples are another.
I will write about myself.
I had a very difficult attitude to being late, especially to the lateness of my husband, for whom this is the credo of life. Although, I am cunning, it is not easy for me to live with them even now … ⠀⠀
When he is late, I can scandalize and accuse him of being unnecessary, irresponsible, letting me down. I can say harsh words.
Aggression. There is a lot of it at such moments. Because it hurts, it's scary - you need to protect yourself. But to protect in such a way that the responsibility for my feelings falls on him. Hurting him as much as it hurts me now.
The illusion that if I throw the same amount of pain on him, it will make me feel better. Illusion. Because it doesn't hurt less. BUT the distance between us grows with every word, look and gesture. And in the end, I also feel loneliness, a vacuum around me that seems impossible to break through.
This is the position of the victim
She demands security for herself from another, does not try to do something for herself.
Also, when he's late I can open up … To tell that now it hurts me, because I feel not important, not valuable - I am scared and sad about it. It is as if I become invisible, according to my own feelings.
This is a dirty condition. It's scary to talk about this, because you are afraid that the words will be confirmed … And then there will be a black hole where I am not needed.
But it is by opening our own wound honestly, without embellishment, no matter how stupid it may seem, that we get a chance to become even closer to this person.
Because now he knows where it hurts. This does not mean that he is obliged to always take care of my wound. This means that now he is able to help me to relieve pain.
He does not need to defend against the attacking fury - he can comfort her. ⠀⠀
The vulnerability and the position of the victim are close, there is only a step between them.
At the same time, they are at opposite ends of the bridge.
To allow yourself vulnerability in a relationship, you need more than just willpower and awareness - you need support inside, the confidence that everything is fine with you now and will be fine tomorrow
Anastasia Platonova,
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