Where Is The Line Between Acceptance And Demand?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“The guy said that he has high requirements for people and listed the requirements for me. In response, I said that we do not work for each other and have no right to make any demands, this is rather a proposal. I added in my mind that I needed to accept others as they are, but it seemed to me not entirely objective. How to find the line between accepting people as they really are, and requirements or criteria that will help you figure out if you want to see a person next to you?"

Many of you develop some dissonance after listening to the recordings of psychologists - some say that you need to build requirements for your partner in your head, others, on the contrary, believe that a person should be accepted with all his shortcomings and positive qualities. In fact, this topic is quite painful today.

Returning to the question of requirements, this is behavior that characterizes the narcissistic position (all the more so if the whole list is “read out” to a person - conditionally, you owe me this and that). In addition, in such a situation, one can clearly feel a position of power, a desire to gain power in a relationship, to gain the upper hand over a partner. As a result of such requests, the second partner has a cognitive dissonance - it seems yes, but at the same time no. In fact, the behavior of a person making demands in a couple is a kind of attempt to manipulate (“I want you to be just like that, and I am not at all interested in your real identity. You are not interesting to me as a person, I only care that you are you can give me. If you are not able to give me what I want, I do not need you! ).

What will a more neurotic message look like (in other words, warm when the person tries to get closer)? In this case, the partner will say that your behavior or words hurt him (realizing that there is trauma, the person will at least somehow talk about it). Moreover, if a person understands in what situation his reaction to one or another phrase is inadequate, and can ask to keep his feelings ("I am working on this issue. Could you be more gentle with me and my feelings?"), this will have a positive effect on the development of relationships in a couple. It is important to sit down together and agree ("Let's figure out how we will act if I still have to ask you this"). Relatively speaking, it looks like this - if a person has complaints about your form of clothing, you can express yourself in different ways, both in a devaluating-shameful form, and in a more pleasant one, so that it would be easier for your partner to perceive your words (“Fuuu, how are you dressing! "," Why don't you wear blouses? I like it so much when girls wear such clothes, they look very attractive. Maybe you can try to be even more attractive to me? "). We live in a narcissistic world, and we cannot avoid the requirements of the narcissistic plan, but we need to be able to deal with ourselves and understand where you are ready to yield to your partner, and where not, and set the border in time.

A large list of demands from one person to another suggests that the one who makes demands on you is demanding of himself and does not perceive himself as he really is (on the face of a narcissistic trauma). If we talk about the childhood of such people, we will see depreciating, rejecting and offending parents, making many demands and expectations for the child, sometimes unspoken (but the baby always felt that somewhere he was falling short). Accordingly, having matured, a person will put forward requirements for others, because he himself has similar requirements in relation to himself (conditionally, he will not respect himself if he does not follow a certain style of clothing - for example, shirts, blouses, etc.).). Sometimes such people are even afraid to leave the house in something that is not beautiful enough in their mind.

If a child grew up in a relationship where demand was a condition of the relationship, in adulthood, entering into a relationship, he will bring demands along with him. For him, this is the norm (they demanded from me, which means I must also demand in a relationship, this is the only way we can be a couple). Many people now have such a narcissistic pattern, but this is not a sentence!

How to work with it? What should the partner to whom the demands are put forward to do? The very first and most important point is that the right not to meet someone's expectations should firmly sit in the core of your psyche. Typically, this problem is typical for couples, when partners fall into each other's corresponding trauma. However, if you have just such a partner, this is a signal - work out your internal expectations of yourself (those that were introduced by your parents, and now internalized in your psyche and sound like your thoughts; also, your consciousness may grab new ideas from society that easily catch you, because in fact you are used to meeting someone's expectations). Give yourself the right to love yourself for who you are, to be imperfect, and armed with this feeling, love and dignity for yourself, translate it all emotionally into the relationship. The last point is very important, because further everything that you say will still be perceived by a person, first of all, through the broadcast. The next step is to choose one of your expectations and work with your partner's pattern (for example, you have a strong perception of yourself as a worthy person in any situation and circumstances, in which case you can work with your partner's narcissistic pattern).

It is important to be able to set clear boundaries within your consciousness - what you are ready to put up with, what you are ready to change, and what not. Understanding the pain that lies in the psyche of your partner (provided that the person agrees to be vulnerable next to you and shares innermost feelings) means the high value of a relationship in a couple.

If you are not at all ready to change in something, talk gently with your partner and explain why. It is important to make it clear to the person that you are not opposed to him, it is important for you to continue living in your own style, to preserve your identity (“I love you and I hope that you can accept me so imperfect”). Analyze your partner's behavior - is he ready to negotiate? If not, we are talking about a level of narcissism that would be difficult to work on on your own without a psychotherapist.

For example, you were presented with a list of several points - to change the style of clothing, work and social circle. Sit down and carefully consider the requirements of your partner (I can change something in the style of dress, but I have no work and no friends). Then talk with the person why these requirements are important to him - this way you can figure out whether a person with claims to all people in life or only to you, trying to protect in this way. Firmly but calmly defend your positions, do not try to offend, humiliate in return, do not get angry.

Do not make hasty conclusions ("Oh, God! He makes demands and claims!") - perhaps a person in childhood was not given the right to speak out, and indeed to have a negative opinion, so now he is training for you, but is afraid to receive rejection in return. If your partner's goal is to protect you, to take care, why not take advantage of it? If you are against, defend your opinion ("Sorry, I understand that you are doing all this for me, but it is important for me to go this way, making mistakes. I have every right to do so").

So, let's summarize. First, find out if the partner is making demands for himself or for you. If for himself, what kind of pain does he feel at the same time (or has a stereotype just formed in this place)? Think about whether you are ready to change and adapt to your partner, will it not hurt you too much? If it hurts too much for you, ask your partner to come to terms. Make concessions, be sure to ask for a concession in return - so you will have an equal relationship. If you cannot give in - be prepared for the frustration of your partner, the manifestation of difficult feelings and emotions, resentment, anger towards you. Your task is to withstand the flow of reverse emotions to a firm "no", while maintaining the relationship. This is how you can help a loved one, because in childhood pain was always not due to the fact that you set boundaries and said “no” without emotion - you did not live it emotionally with the child (“Yes, I understand, you are in pain and would like to to another, but the world is arranged like this, so now you have to put up with it”).