2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Both partnerships and co-dependent relationships can be natural at a certain stage in a person's life. A co-dependent relationship between mother and child during intrauterine life and a fairly long period of helplessness after birth is a natural need for the survival and normal development of the latter. During this period of life, they can be comfortable and satisfying.
The transition from co-dependent relationships to partnerships is one of the main signs of adult maturity. At the same time, a distinctive feature of partnerships is the ability to easily establish and destroy unsatisfactory emotional ties with other people. Maintaining a co-dependent relationship in adulthood is one of the most common problems that interfere with a full life of people and seeking psychological help.
Typical examples of co-dependent relationships are families where one of the spouses suffers from alcohol or drug addiction, single women living with their adult child who does not have a family; women, the so-called eternal lovers who cannot and do not want a stable relationship with a man.
HOW DO YOU FEEL THE FINE BOARD BETWEEN CO-DEPENDENT AND PARTNERSHIP RELATIONSHIP?
To do this, I use the idea expressed by Heinrich Rucker in his 1953 article "The Meaning and Use of Countertransference." In it he wrote “That countertransference reactions are governed by the laws of the general and individual unconscious. Among them, the LAW OF TALION is especially important. Thus, for example, every positive transference situation is answered by a positive countertransference; each negative transference is answered in one of the parts of the analyst's personality by a negative countertransference."
WHAT IS THE LAW OF TALION?
PRINCIPLE OF TALION (lat. Lex talionis) (retribution) - the principle of punishment for a crime, according to which the measure of punishment must reproduce the harm caused by the crime ("an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth"). TALION is a rough expression of justice, accessible and understandable already to primitive man.
The manifestation of this law can be found in different spheres of human life. The first thing that comes to mind is usually the Penal Code! and in general the area of law. School experience prompts - Newton's III law "The force of action is equal to the force of reaction!" In business - an Agreement that prescribes the rights, obligations of the parties and the measure of responsibility for its violation.
Considering the relationship between the analyst and the analyzed person as a special case of the relationship between two people, it can be assumed that the LAW OF TALION acts in any interaction of two people and applies to all feelings, not only aggressive, but also to feelings of gratitude.
When a person is loved and admired, he wants to be grateful, and he automatically responds with love and admiration. When a person's desires are frustrated, aggression is shown in his direction, or when he is deprived of the opportunity to repay in return, devaluing words of gratitude with expressions such as: "Thank you a lot, 100 rubles is enough!" or "Thank you for bread you can't spread!" If a person could not respond to the topic with the same feelings to another person, then an unconscious attachment remains - in the form of a need to return them.
In this case, it can be assumed that the observance of the LAW OF TALION in the emotionally-sensual sphere of interaction between people is a fine line that can allow differentiating co-dependent and partnership relations
REASONS TO KEEP INTER-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP?
A person learns to observe the LAW OF TALION from early childhood in relationships with their parents. In my opinion, the main reason a person may unknowingly succumb to the temptation to violate the LAW OF TALION is that, having made the decision to start a family and have a child, he has not yet completed his own process of growing up and building partnerships with his parents. Evidence of this is the promises that a person may make to himself as a child, find himself a better marriage partner, or never treat his children in the same way as he was treated, which are nevertheless violated. Finding this in therapy shocks the analysand. It turns out that they do things and say phrases when raising their children, which they heard from their parents and which were very painful for them, and the partner is very similar in character to a mother or father.
WHY DO CHILDREN BECOME THE MOST CONVENIENT OBJECTS TO VIOLATE THE TALION LAW?
If a person has not completed his mental maturation, separation from his parents and is not able to accept himself as an equal when interacting with them, then psychologically, in some of his part, he will feel like a child dependent on his parents, for whom, as before, the possible loss of the parent's love, will cause fear of death. For this person, the marriage partner and children will be less significant objects and in conflicts that threaten him with the loss of a parent's love, a person will easily abandon himself, his desires and promises given to a partner and children, in order to reduce the fear of death. If, at the same time, the marriage partner still has the opportunity to make a decision to dissolve the marriage and thus a relationship where it is not appreciated, then children do not have such an opportunity due to their real age dependence on their parents.
HOW DOES A MECHANISM WORK TO RETAIN A PERSON IN CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP?
This mechanism is beautifully described in Alice Miller's 1983 book, In the Beginning Was Upbringing. Alice Miller writes that a person remains connected with childhood and continues a co-dependent relationship because:
- In early childhood, his feelings offend and do not notice his offended feelings ("What else do you need, well-fed, dry, and you still yell and yell a little, the egoist is not grateful!";
- He is then told not to get angry when he is bullied. (“Mom can't be offended!”, “Don't you dare contradict your father!”);
- After that, he is forced to show gratitude to those who offend him, since they had good intentions, they did not want to offend him ("I gave you life, and you are not grateful, you do not appreciate what we are doing for you!", “This is for your own good, when you grow up you will understand!”, “Then you will say thank you again!”);
- Then he is told to forget about what happened (“Don't start again, I forgot, and you forget!”);
- And finally, he is shown how to get rid of the accumulated anger by using violence and insults towards other people who are younger or weaker than him, or they are told to direct his anger on himself (“It is (a) himself who is to blame, so get mad at yourself!”,“Aren't you ashamed!”).
It is important to remember that, in general, parents love their children and try to give them the best, using the skills and knowledge that they have. The cruelty they show is caused by unconscious processes
HOW CAN YOU SEDUCE A PERSON TO UNKNOWNLY CONTINUE CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP AND PROVECT OTHERS TO MANIFEST AGGRESSIVE FEELINGS IN YOUR SIDE?
To understand the mechanism of seduction, you first need to recall the properties of the unconscious, which Sigmund Freud wrote about in his works, and refer to the results of research on the importance and necessity for a person of emotional communication with their own kind.
The processes in the unconscious are regulated by the principle of pleasure and pain avoidance, which consists in the release of emotional tension. Emotional stress can be caused by internal unconscious needs and desires or interactions with the outside world. Accordingly, the higher the emotional stress arises in the unconscious from the action of internal or external factors, the greater the pleasure from its discharge.
Another important characteristic of the unconscious, for understanding the process of seduction, is the absence of denial, that is, for the unconscious there are no good or bad feelings, for the unconscious it is absolutely not important to show love or hate to a person, only the degree of the received emotional charge is important.
The work of the unconscious can be compared to the work of the human digestive system. For the stomach, all food is a set of fats, proteins and carbohydrates, and only its volume and the ratio of these elements matters whether enough energy is produced for normal life. If the senses are blocked, then a person will not be able to smell, taste, appearance, temperature of food, and he can be fed with almost anything. Likewise with emotions, this consciousness of a person can appreciate being accused, hated, or loved and admired at the moment of interaction. For the unconscious, only the degree of the received emotional charge is important.
The results of numerous studies show that young children die with emotional deprivation, and adults go crazy. It is not for nothing that the most terrible punishment in childhood is isolation (boycott), but solitary confinement in adult life.
Based on these features of the unconscious and the results of scientific research, the following conclusions can be drawn about its work:
- Receiving emotion from another person is as vital as breathing, drinking or eating.
- With emotional hunger, a person will not care whether they show love or hatred. The most important thing will be, in principle, to get an emotion from another person.
- The stronger the charge of the received emotion, the more pleasure from its discharge, which means it is more preferable for the unconscious.
Now, to look at the seduction process, let's go back to early childhood. At the beginning of a long and difficult journey from a co-dependent relationship to a partner relationship between the child and his parents. At the stage when a child's research interest awakens and he tries to perform his first independent actions and deeds, approval or censure, which forms ways of interacting with other people.
If the child did something good or right, and the emotional response of the parents is minimal, “And what's wrong with that, it should be so!”, Or the maximum dry “Well done!”, The child's psyche (unconscious) remains hungry. For the unconscious, it’s like eating a fruit for our stomach - sweet, but the feeling of satiety does not occur, we want more!
If a child did something wrong, climbed, for example, into a trash can, and the spoken words of censure of an act are loaded with a powerful affective component, then this can be compared to the fact that a fat overcooked table cutlet was pushed into the child's stomach - she did not tasty, from her heaviness in the stomach, but for some time, in principle, it discourages the desire to eat! So in a child fed up with negative emotions for a while, exploratory interest in life can fade away! Parents, on the other hand, may feel that their parenting methods are working.
In fact, this can create a trap when the unconscious of a child, who still has a weak self, will push him to perform such actions that are maximally affectively loaded, so as not to remain hungry from dry praise for his good actions and to feel the emotional presence of the object. A parent, considering that his method of upbringing works, may, unconsciously, intensify his punishment next time!
SUMMARIZE
The LAW OF TALION in the emotional-sensory sphere of interaction is a fine line that allows you to differentiate co-dependent and partner relationships
Partner relationships can be called those relationships in which partners in their actions adhere to the rules - the desires and feelings of the other are as important and valuable as their own
Unfortunately, it cannot be seen or touched, it can only be felt as a subjective feeling of inner harmony, that is, the absence of tension, measured as the potential difference between the psychic energy received from another person and returned to him, taking into account its polarity, love or hate.
Compliance with the LAW OF TALION in the emotional-sensory sphere of interaction is a guarantee that the co-dependent relationship between parents and a child, caused by a long period of helplessness of the latter, will gradually develop into a partnership between two adults and independent people.
The transition from co-dependent relationships to partnerships between parents and children can be hampered by emotional attachments caused by the prohibition of the manifestation of anger and aggression against the parents, and the devaluation of the child's feelings of gratitude.
For the normal course of the process of transition from co-dependent relationships to partnerships, children need unconditional acceptance by their parents and repeated pronouncement of negative or positive feelings of the parent in relation to a particular act of the child. In this way, a skill or character trait is fixed, which ensures in the future receiving an emotional response from another person. In this case, the degree of intensity of expression of their feelings by the parent is very important.
In order for socially acceptable forms of interaction with other people to take hold, and children did not provoke their parents to aggression towards them, praise should be maximally affectively loaded, and censure should be emotionally dry, but firm! A person must be loved unconditionally, as a source of emotions, and praise and scold, you need a person's actions!
In order to continue the disturbed process of transition from co-dependent relationships to partnerships, one of the main tasks of the psychoanalyst is to help the analysand to realize and feel (the key word is to feel) the properties of the unconscious and the laws operating in it, and to understand the influence that they have on reality.
The goal of therapy is to strengthen the analysand's self, through working out and breaking existing emotional attachments, so that he can feel equal to his parents, and learn to freely express his feelings of love and hate that he may have in relation to the actions of other people., without the fear of losing another person's affection for oneself and feeling worthy if his gratitude is not accepted.
The gradual adjustment of all life processes in accordance with the LAW OF TALION allows the analysand to get a chance to build partnerships with other people.
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