Break Up Or Stay?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I overloved him or her - we need to part.

You, probably, like me, were interested in the question: how people who have been together for so many years, lived together day by day, put their emotions, strength, energy into a person, have experienced so much, have a whole mountain of memories, then, suddenly, once they became lovable each other? They leave and do not want to see a partner.

This often happens with a long period of scandals, quarrels, misunderstandings. And sometimes, it happens that at some quite ordinary moment in life, not necessarily sitting on a mountain in the lotus position, quite possibly even at dinner, bringing another spoonful of soup to your mouth, you discover that everything is the end.

And go, and sometimes don't go. So living with this person, but at the same time looking for a replacement for him.

So why do we stop loving?

We always treat love as something uncontrollable, mystical, intoxicating. We have no control over this feeling - it comes and that's it. We also relate to it when it leaves by slamming the doors. We pack our bags and move on, expecting that this feeling, 100% will return, and with it the object that will evoke it in us, just the person was wrong, but the next one will be different, "suitable"

Isn't it strange that we succumb to the power of LOVE so much, although at the same time we try to control absolutely everything in our life?

Love, yes, indeed, is really a feeling, and love is an ACTION that we carry out to the object at which this emotion is aimed at the moment, in order to express it through active manifestation of ourselves.

Why is it so important for us to express it? Let's go back a little.

The first time we encounter love, while still in our mother’s belly, when she sings us a lullaby and sends us an impulse of love. This happens through the hormonal system - the oxytocin arc, we feel loved, we are safe. Therefore, such children, as a rule, have the correct prenatal development and the factor of normality is easy and simple childbirth at a time when the hormonal system of the mother and the child work in synergy.

Already there, without the formed higher nerve centers, we already know what love is.

That's why:

• Love is always security, it is always warmth, comfort, acceptance.
• Love is always about our needs and about survival.

Mother-child contact is as much a self-preservation instinct as eating.

And we are looking for this contact, this warmth, carrying through our whole life the desire to feel this oxytocin intoxication and at the same time balance, tranquility - this inner synergy that makes us whole.

And then the very moment comes, you find a couple and you feel good with her, you feel love, you live together month after month, year after year, and suddenly there is a crisis. You do not cope with your emotions and leave, expecting the enchanting magic of love to flare up again.

But why did it die out at all?

And now we come to the main thing that will be difficult to understand for many who still dare not read this paragraph.

The person is truly monogamous. A warm, intimate relationship with love and care is essential for its full development both in infancy and in adulthood. A person needs this contact, this is the memory of happiness, which is written in our DNA.

But the mistake of the majority is the infantilism of their personality, by which it is necessary to understand the transfer of power over their lives to their emotions. Love, the same emotion as fear or anger - it is evolutionarily necessary for our survival, it fuels us to fulfill our needs in order to survive.

And when we stop feeling it for someone, it only means that this person has ceased to satisfy our needs: for safety, for care, for understanding and support, etc.

But in fact, love, as a feeling, does not go away unexpectedly, and then suddenly appears again. It just is in us. It is absolute and not objective. It belongs to us by birthright. We need to be honest with ourselves. And only with this honesty, we will be able to admit that this person, at this stage, simply cannot satisfy our desires and therefore we decide to "overlove" him. And it's not about a person or magic love - it's about us and our needs.

Thus, the other side, who has been overloved, should not endure the pain of not being loved anymore, because it just happened, for no reason, nothing can be done about it, love left this union and will never return. Such a worldview takes control of the situation, making the partner not a subject of relations who is active and can influence, but an object who is not asked. In fact, love is not a perfume that evaporates over time. This feeling is realized through an action that anyone can evoke in himself at any time to any of the people.

Couples also drift apart because they cannot trivially distinguish between crises and how to deal with them. They accumulate a sufficient number of grievances on both sides until these grievances overflow the vessel and, as a result, can no longer be suppressed. They start to go outside and people take banal strategies to cope with their already uncontrollable feelings: they run away (breakup, betrayal), attack (quarrel), close (addictions), etc.

Naturally, the first manifestation that something is going wrong is bed and sex. When we are offended, we cannot relax, we cannot give or receive.

Another misconception is that when creating couples under the intoxication of oxytocin (falling in love), we also think that we will naturally live to a ripe old age, neither investing nor working on them. And while everything is fine, there is simply no reason for us to think about the relationship, but why? Why do it better if it’s good enough? But you really need to love every day. It is also necessary to periodically evaluate both yourself in this couple and the personality of your couple as a whole.

The union of two people can really be seen as a separate person. And it also undergoes changes: goals, objectives, ambitions, desires, motivation. The climate is also changing, and as it grows, crises set in. This is normal for any living system.

But if we do not treat our couple as a separate system unit, sooner or later unwillingness to observe its development will lead to the moment that we will miss a breakdown in development and concentrate on the negative, and then it will be difficult to cope with emotions and the brain will make a decision "DO NOT LOVE" to protect your vessel from unnecessary psychological overload.

And a person will childishly believe that love will come again, that the same or that one will come and everything will be fine again. Yes, it may come, someone may be lucky, but without work, a systematic analysis of the reasons for the previous failure and all of the above understanding, the next relationship will also end sooner or later.

It is also necessary to realize that we are no longer in the world where couples were held together by a party, society, religion - that is, external attributes. We are at the stage of creating inner values and without them, without understanding that love is not magic, but a state of being and that no one controls it, but only me, that when I stop feeling it, that this is not because she disappeared with a wave of a magic wand, but because I feel that my partner does not satisfy my needs and I am angry, offended and at the same time afraid, and I just need to analyze my needs, what I want, and then it will be clear how to achieve them, because no one owes anyone and I am offended not because the orchestra is bad and doesn’t do it, but because I don’t know what I want. And with such awareness, then it is realistic to move towards the creation of an equivalent union based on common values, which can undergo any crises.