2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Psychologist, Family EMDR
- He became a dear person. So many years together. I know all his cracks. It's convenient with him.
- I understand, I understand, it is difficult to part. Maybe it's better to stay?
- Yes you! I don't see any development with him. Our paths diverged long ago. Hanging "on the tail" as a burden.
- So, then, your choice is to leave?
- The difficulty lies in the fact that I cannot make a final decision …
It's scary to endure, but leaving was even worse
E. Gilbert
Outside the window of a high-speed train, multicolored summer cottages float, squat like boletus, resting with their hat-roofs against the pale blue sky, all in feathers. She peers into the distance, devouring donuts in powdered sugar. On Valentine's Day, at the end of winter. Now alone, without a man, as it seemed to her, her whole life. Rushing over the horizon, leaving the phone in a rented Moscow apartment. Solo life. I decided … But it was so difficult to make a choice: to leave her husband or stay.
Their relationship developed rapidly. Everything is like everyone else. After a short period of candy and bouquet - marriage. So it was accepted in her family, it was so dreamed of. And at twenty she jumped out for a decent, calm. My husband was lucky. That's what everyone around said. Before her years, a smart girl from the Russian hinterland, it seemed, found her happiness in the capital. Her equally nimble girlfriends, who could only dream of moving to a metropolis, secretly envied their more successful classmate. "I entered a prestigious university, graduated from graduate school, and even grabbed a Muscovite guy!"
From the diary: “He is good. I have no reason to hate him. Native. But every day I move further and further away from him. I do not see him as a father for my children, who do not yet exist. But I want to become a mother! If I stay in this relationship, I will die. To leave is ashamed and scary. It's not easy to take a step."
The sunbeams jump over each other, flash on the next cloth seat of the REX, then jump onto the travel bag, then kiss their hands. One can feel the approach of spring, it is getting warmer outside the window … She thinks that she does not want to cry and it is somehow strange, I suppose. After all, she left her husband yesterday. At parting, she said to him: “I am grateful to you for everything. You are a great man. But our paths diverge. I see myself on a different plane. Remember, at the very beginning of our relationship, we talked about children. You said that you were not ready to become a father in the next ten years. Seven years have passed. I've made a career. But I still want a child. Only for my man to want it too. More than once or twice I have been offered tempting job offers abroad. You refused to go. I always said - decide for yourself. And so I decided. I'm leaving. Perhaps I'll start from scratch. Let's part as friends, if possible."
She tries not to think that her relatives will condemn her for such a "rash" choice. Her inner critic is silent. Maybe because he broke his teeth on the steel shell of her mature, healthy, adult part, which has recently been able to rebuff the stinging remarks addressed to itself. Apparently, it was not in vain that the young woman worked hard on herself for several months and visited a psychologist. It’s hard to believe that before the personal “study”, she suffered for a whole year with remorse from the fact that she wanted to leave, feeling that life in marriage no longer suits her. At the same time, there was always a bunch of excuses why it was inappropriate, untimely, and stupid to do this. And now it happened.
“We want everything to remain as it was. We put up with pain because we are afraid of change, we are afraid that everything will fall apart …"
E. Gilbert
Leave or stay? A life-long pause and doing nothing instead of answering, or new chords, albeit timid, barely audible, poco o poco (from Italian, little by little)? She chose change. Time has passed. Now he lives on the other side of the world. A plane followed the train. Successful work in a scientific center in your specialty. A new marriage and the birth of a baby after a couple of years of her adaptation in a new place. From time to time they correspond with my ex-husband. Remained on friendly terms. Was it worth it to be afraid?
The period of choice is always a very important time in the life of each of us. Having found a dead end in front of you, you can rest against a concrete wall as much as you like - not to budge. After looking around and realizing that there is no point in waiting any longer - maybe it is worthwhile to start acting, experimenting, changing the habit. The famous American psychologist R. May notes: "Personality is dynamic, not static, its element is creativity, not vegetation." A creative volitional act will undoubtedly lead to a “new, constructive redistribution of tensions” and a decision in a state of choice. Perhaps it will be some kind of third, fourth, twenty-fifth option, and not one of the two possible.
“But I looked around, imagined how these places managed to be reborn from complete chaos, and I calmed down … Ruins are a gift, ruins are a path to transformation. We must always be ready for endless waves of change."
E. Gilbert
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